boy photos.

landon and me before going in for our sonogram.

grayson's first pair of shoes - the first boy thing. we bought them today at old navy.

ellie celebrating her new baby brother with a rousing game of pattycake.
we were at carino's tonight for a "yea! it's a boy!" dinner.

great-priced, super cute onsies i found at wal-mart tonight
while on a diet coke run. i love the "sleepy" one.

i'm thinking if i hurry up and eat all the easter candy, then it will be gone. so i'll stop eating candy.

that is just one of the random thoughts going through my brain right now.

others include:

• a friend of mine gave me a graco duo glider (aka: a double stroller) when i was in dallas last, and i really, really wanna start walking in the mid-mornings with casen and ellie. starting tomorrow, i'm at the halfway mark of this pregnancy tomorrow, and i'd really love to not pack on the pounds too much if i can help it. see easter candy headline.
• i wrote and deleted then rewrote the previous bullet after contemplating whether the admission of already having a double stroller (whining: "it's pale green and maroon plaid and a different brand than my carrier!") would lower the chances of my coming to own a super awesome baby trend deluxe sit-n-stand, which can be a traditional sit-n-stand or a traditional double stroller, that matches my stuff. pathetic. i know.
  
• i had an ob appointment yesterday that sorta got lost in the mix since i also found out i'm having a SON (!!!) yesterday (sorry.. i exclaim that every 20 minutes these days.) i gained a pound. in a month. it's weird because i lost 15 pounds in my first 12 weeks of pregnancy. i gained two back by week 15.5 and then one by week 19.5. so do i not start counting what i gained with this pregnancy until i get to the original start weight?
• be clear, i only lost weight because my body was finally DOING something - making a baby - to burn calories. there is plenty to sustain my SON without gaining much. i'm already in possession of plenty of baby weight. i never gave it back from the last time.
• i'm contemplating a very organized spring cleaning/project completing mission. angela inspired me. i'm thinking of going room-to-room, one room a day, with a detailed list of projects in that room and supplies for deep cleaning. we're talking baseboards and grout here, people. note that i am still just contemplating this. baseboards and ground are typically way out of my league.
• i don't think i've loaded the dishwasher in...a really long time.
• miracle grow truly is a miracle.
• i'm tempted to hoard my $150 freelancing check (oh, so impressive, huh. blah.) from march to buy pretty flowers. i'm thinking of saving it until may so i'll have pretty stuff on my back patio for christal's shower. though miracle grow is a miracle, i don't want to risk buying stuff now and having it all die before the party, which is a highly likely possibility.
  
• i want a vegetable garden. i think i will try one. tomatoes and peppers are what i want most. i would die for a roma tomato and an orange bell pepper right about now. mmm.
  
• i said on this blog yesterday, before i went to the doctor, that i'd just started feeling the baby through really light flutters, and i felt like i should have been feeling more. i told the nurse about it at my ob appointment yesterday, and she said all is well. "don't you have another little one?" "yeah." "how old?" "13-and-a-half-months." "oh, yeah. the baby's been moving. you've just been busy." makes perfect sense. this time last pregnancy, i was staring at my belly so much i could have counted pores. since the appointment, i've been feeling HIM (my SON!) lots more. if HIS sonogram was any indication, i'm in for some excitement this second half. HIS arms and legs were waving like HE was swimming in the olympics. i'm so excited to feel HIM now. simply miraculous.
  

: (

i have been locked out of rhonda's blog. boo.

the sonogram story takes an unexpected turn.

as we sat in the waiting room this afternoon, landon was still acting like i was crazy to discuss whether we'd find out whether or baby was a boy or a girl. it's just i couldn't help but discuss because of this super mischievous grin he's been wearing for the past few days. we went into the ultrasound room with the tech, a large black man named troy. he was fantastic. very descriptive of everything we were looking at and what it should look like. he asked us if we wanted to find out if it was a boy or girl. i looked at landon. "ask him." long pause. "yeah."

what?!?

i grabbed his hand as tears overwhelmed me. we saw all four chambers of the heart, the spine from several angles, hands, arms, legs, knees, kidneys, stomach, nose, eyes, lips, ears. the heartbeat was 150 bpm. it was a wonderful sonogram. everything was very detailed -- down to individual bones. the head was down and the feet were up, crossed at the ankles. prime position for determining gender...

troy slid his instrument expertly across my jelly-covered belly until we were looking at the underside of our cross-legged baby.

"oh," he said. "i can definitely tell what it is."

"i can definitely tell what it is," i said, tears forming again. "can you, baby?"

as landon looked, troy said, "this is most definitely a boy."

i have never seen landon grin as big. he grinned and grinned as he kissed my hand he held in his over and over and over.

look at my most beautiful son. at my daughter's little brother. he is perfection embodied, even in his tininess.

profile.

boy-ness.

as we drove off, completely high on joy, landon said, "let's buy a steak to celebrate!" silence and sideways glances. "or a couple of diet dr. peppers with the change we have in the cup holder!" lots of laughing and yummy dr. peppers ensued.

love it. love my husband. love my son. love my daughter. love life. love it all.

thank you, Jesus for your ever-abounding blessing. i cannot comprehend what i did to deserve such a life.

dreams.

i asked the Lord to give me a dream about whether my baby is a boy or a girl on saturday night. that night, my only dreams were that i missed the sonogram altogether. i was in a complete panic.

i didn't ask for it last time, but i had a dream you can read about here.

for the longest time i thought it was a boy when i was pregnant with ellie. but then about two weeks before it was time to find out, i changed my mind. then i had that dream.

lucky coincidence? i'm sure i don't know.

i've always thought it was a boy this time, though i haven't said much for fear of being confused by wishful thinking.

last night, i dreamed a baby boy was born. it wasn't my baby boy in the dream, but it was a baby boy. it was almost like a vision inside a dream. in the dream, i wanted the Lord to give me a dream. i was pregnant. i remember thinking in the dream, "this is how He's showing me. 'right, Lord? this baby boy is a sign that mine will be a boy too.'"

i was convinced of it in the dream.

not to sure how i feel about it now.

guess we WON'T know for sure for another 20 weeks...

tomorrow.

tomorrow is our 20-week sonogram. i was perusing my blog a couple days ago, and, if i'm not mistaken, i'd posted 20 times as many entries about my pregnancy, my baby and the impending reveal of my baby's gender the last time i did this crazy thing called childbearing.

this is an example.

and then we found out. and i posted this.

i haven't posted a lot of the first type partially because i now have the child about which those posts were written running around, needing constant attention. i forget i'm pregnant most of the time. all you two-kid (or more) mommies know about that.

and, as it currently stands at approximately 16 hours to go time, i will not be posting a post like the second one either.

though i have been gently trying to talk him out of it, landon is standing firm on the "it's a surprise" plan for baby no. 2.

there are still 16 hours left so.. a smidge of hope remains.

a small smidge.

really, i'm sure i will post something about the wonder of seeing the tiny baby growing inside of me.

**side note speaking of tiny: i'm nearly 20 weeks, and i am barely feeling flutters. you know, the kind where you wonder if that was really the baby. and it just started in the past couple of days. seems like i felt ellie earlier..**

the day is slightly less exciting since we won't find out, but i know it will be wonderful to see little baby parts. and i suppose because this day will be slightly less exciting, THE day will be even more so.

pray that everything is healthy...

garage sale.

i am pondering the possibility of a garage sale.

i have a HUGE amount of clothes to get rid of as well as some other small ticket items. i could do it on my own, but it would definitely be a small sale in comparison to most i have be involved with in the past.

i am still not 100 percent set on the idea of having one at all, but if i were, would anyone out there have anything they'd like to bring over and sell in my driveway to make the hypothetical affair a bit larger and perhaps more viable?

i've been bitten by a spring cleaning bug as well as have the need for organization and a bit of extra cash.

no pressure. just thought i'd throw that out there.

why i may boycott makeup.

on days when i am in constant communion with Jesus, on days when He reveals blessing after revelation after direction to me as i go about my business, i cannot help but cry all day.

and since it is my goal to have more days than not be in this particular state, i think i may boycott makeup.

it's worthless.

the waterproof kind makes my eyelashes all clumpy.

giving it up seems the way to go.

lessons from a cold easter morning.

God loved on me and punked me in the same service this morning.

during worship i was singing, but i couldn't hear my own voice. you know, everyone else was singing, it was loud...makes sense. then all of a sudden, i could hear my voice separate from the rest. God whispered, "see that? remember that. I can always hear your voice apart from the crowd. you are special to Me."

talk about a sweet thought to which to cling.

the punking part came later in the service and has some background. see, there's a person who is going through a tough time right now. this person is essentially alone during those times we hate to be alone. at night, when it's dark and cold, this person has no one to help. it was suggested that i open my home to this person for a variety of reasons. possibly for an extended period of time. i basically threw a fit. "my house is not clean." "i can't walk around in my pj's." "there's only one shower, and it's in our bathroom." etc. etc. etc.

well, this morning, i heard God saying that i should quit whining and make things ready to welcome this person. "you should always be ready to take in one of My children," He said. "I need you to be Me to XX in this time. I need you to welcome XX as I would, to put your perceived comfort aside for My ministry."

sheesh.

i've said before that i believe God is using this time in my life to help me get my act together. just simple things like keeping a house and running it smoothly, being a good hostess and pastor's wife and mother. basically, growing up and getting my life in order, if that makes any sense.

i think this is another lesson. the ministry to which Jesus has called me does not stop at church or with the youth group or with the nursery. i need to be ready to offer all i have to people in need. my ministry needs to be every day. a lifestyle.

after all, did He not die, as we celebrated today, and rise again in order welcome us to His home?

Lord, help me prepare my home for anyone You send. if i had even a fraction of the fervor that You display as You prepare a place for Your children - just a slice of that genuine hospitality and love - i wouldn't have thought twice about hosting this person.

i want that.

cinderella.

decorator dilemma: the second in a series during which the author complains about things she can't do for lack of money.

anyone know how to get from here...

to here...


oh, and do it with about $100?

third installment coming soon. the author wishes to decorate a large expanse of back patio to feel "cozy" and "homey," but realizes it would requires quite a bit of...you got it...money to accomplish her vision.

i'm having a day.

babies have been crying. cutting teeth and wanting to eat. dirty diapers, spit up, temper tantrums and blantant disobedience. i'm exhausted after running around all day yesterday and cleaning like a maniac until 10:30 or so. i'm wishing i had more brain space to focus on the fact that a baby is coming. it'd also be nice to have more wallet space as well. as i've said before, i'm pretty set on buying a bassinet for our room. only it seems that all affordable bassinets must have a minimum of four tiers of fabric, ruffles and more cutesy detailing than me and my baby can handle. do people put boys in these things? my favorite ones cost anywhere from $400 to $600. right. i also plan to get a very basic changing table (with room for baskets) and some type of rocking/gliding/bouncing chair to go in our room. i love wal-mart and ikea. but there's just something carnal inside me this afternoon that is wishing i could just pick it all out from pottery barn kids and not think twice about the price. i mostly just need to sit on my back porch in the sun and be happy with the day the Lord has made. the kids are sleeping now so i just might do it. i've been feeling like an unshowered, sweats wearing, headache bearing, fatigue fighting cave dweller today. i know there's some lovely sun outside the walls of my cave. i'm gonna go out there and remember that all my baby needs is me. i often reference "the old days" of no doctors or anesthesia or bassinets or closets full of baby clothes. the idea fascinates me. sometimes i wish i'd just get crazy and revert. maybe i won't buy a single thing for this baby, and just sew him clothes out of scraps of dish towels or something. would he be any less happy? sorry. i'm losing my mind again. out to the sun. pray it shines some perspective into my day.

edited later: amid my selfish wallowing, i insensitively made it sound like casen is a burden. that is the farthest thing from the truth. he is really very, very easy. and amazingly sweet. the combination of my teething child and swirling pregnancy hormones were what was threatening to push me over the edge this afternoon. i'm sorry, crystal. i hope i didn't hurt your feelings. it has been a blessing to take care of your son. it makes pretending like i'm not hoping (really hard) for one of my own even harder to pull off. :)

teeth update.

ellie got her first two teeth on halloween last year. she was eight-and-a-half months old.

though her top gums have been swollen for weeks, she finally popped tooth No. 3 and tooth No. 4 yesterday. she's 13 months old. they're barely stickin' out, but they're there. and apparently very sore. she will throw a fit if you try to see or touch them.

she's slow on this teeth thing.

but i'm OK with it.

everything else is going so fast...

because it's monday.

i know how mondays are hardest as a working mom. you gotta give your baby up after a full weekend of cuddling her (or in this case, him) for a whole two days. that's why i thought a little video footage of playtime would be a welcome sight.

it's just casen and i today. ellie went with landon and david and delana to odessa for landon's peepaw's 75th birthday. she looked so stinkin cute when she left. i should've taken a picture.

it's strangely quiet. i keep thinking she's taking a nap.

i might actually go out and look for some things for my super chic, super cheap master bedroom makeover.

more on that compelling story later...

today's goal: as much laundry as possible.

birthday pictures, finally.

this slideshow includes photos from ellie's real birthday/family celebration on feb. 13 as well as her big party a few days later on feb. 16. it's sorta long

the captions should indicate when the party pics begin.

i'm a loser for being three weeks late...

alone.

tonight feels weirdly like everyone has fallen off the face of the earth. i'm not sure why i'm getting that sense, but i am. it is very, very strange.

it could possibly be that we got our hands on season 3 of lost last night, and we've watched six episodes since 11 p.m. yesterday.

ellie is still here though.

at least i know the rapture hasn't taken place. even if i may have been transported to a deserted island, that just happens to look exactly like san angelo, without my knowledge.

(fingers crossed that that statement was theologically sound. babies who do not yet have the ability to accept or deny Jesus as their Savior will be leaving at the rapture, right?)

i should be in bed.

I apparently hit the comment jackpot with my last post. i don't think i'll ever beat 13. just a few words, including references to pooping and motherhood, and mine's the most popular blog in town.

who knew.

_________________________________________

i've had a rough couple of days. mentally, i mean.

the actual hours of the day have been flying by this week with the business of two babies. casen is really a wonderful little thing. he would prefer to eat every waking moment and be held just as often. regretfully, that is not always possible. dumb everything-else-but-holding-the-soft-squishy-yummy-smelling baby stuff.

but regarding the mental anguish -- it's like my brain is in this weird alternate universe, contemplating and stressing over things for which i cannot come up with resolutions.

what's most irritating is i can't really put my finger on it. the "things."

it's just a lot of stuff combining to give me...something.

a headache, mostly.

anyway.. i know this makes no sense. it doesn't to me either.

to top it off, the broken record of God's voice saying, "I want you in My house" apparently has a second track called, "you worry about you." something about quitting the job of worrying about everyone else's problems and flaws and concentrating on my own internal issues.

awesome.

i'm wondering.

is there ever a moment, even when your child has history's worst case of "the mommies," that it is OK to hold her while you're using the toilet? and i do mean, USING the toilet.

apparently, the answer to that question is yes.

3:18 p.m.

the "real men wear pink" edition

casen slept until 1:30, and then drained a 6-ounce bottle. i set him in ellie's (pink...sorry, jerry) bouncy seat while i gave her a bath. he's still there now. he seems to like it. except for the few short moments when he was screaming his lungs out for no apparent reason. some "shh"-ing and his paci helped. right now he's looking out the front picture window at the trees blowing in the way-too-cold-for-me wind. ellie is sleeping again. oh! and see? he even smiled at me. it's 'cause i told him mommy is going to be here soon.

12:43 p.m.

"see, mama? sarah has a swing at her house too so i can take nice long naps!"

he's been sleeping since 11:15. ellie went down then too, and i got a lovely long shower. ellie is up now, and landon is here. he's wondering why they can't stay newborn forever and sleep for hours and hours. i cooked a frozen pizza. we're all having lunch while casen keeps on snoozin'. i'm sure he'll be ready for his lunch soon. he did tell me he misses his mommy lots and lots...

10:59 a.m.

ellie woke up about 2 minutes after i last posted. she's played and wondered, "what's the deal with the new kid.." but she's been quite tolerant.

she is currently eating a banana and cherrios and dancing to jim croce.

mr. casen, was hungry again at 10. i made him two more ounces. surely he wasn't going to drink another whole feeding one hour after the last one, right?

wrong.

he was mad when those two ounces were gone. he's just finished another two. for those of you counting at home, that's eight ounces in a two-hour span.

my one-year-old doesn't finish an eight ounce bottle!

i think he's drifting to sleep in the swing now. ellie's nap is in about 30 minutes.

could it be?

could i get a shower today?

more than i could have ever hoped for...

9:35 a.m.

i got a nap! it was an hour-long nap that included several interludes in which i woke up to see whether the tiny noise casen was making was because he was ready to get up. up until 9 o'clock, every time i'd look at him, he'd already be quiet again.

now we've had a bottle and a diaper change, and he's gazing at my bookshelf in awe. cutie baby.

ellie is still sleeping.

nice.

7:45 a.m.

ellie just woke up. i made her a bottle, and when i went in her room, she still looked half asleep.

she gladly laid back down with her bottle so i think she will go back to sleep. (fingers crossed.)

casen is making random noises every 10 minutes or so, which makes me scared to try to take a quick nap. if he's gonna wake up in 10 minutes, i don't even want to tease myself.

but i'm sorta dizzy 'cause i stayed up too late.

it is decided within the first 45 minutes of this new charge: i'm adopting a 10 p.m. bedtime.

7:06 a.m.

we've successfully pulled off the switch without waking anyone up. not casen, not ellie, not landon. well, doc's awake and growling from his box. i think he's ticked that he's up this early. i don't think he understands that he'll be going outside if he doesn't cut it out. it's 40 degrees and wet outside. but i'll do it. i will.

baby c is asleep in his carrier making super sweet baby cooing noises. i'm afraid to touch him.

crystal told me she'd be here at 7. "or, it might be a little bit after. i've never done this before." you know, referring to the feeding, packing up and getting two children out the door and to my house by 7 in the morning.

she knocked on the door -- looking stunning, i might add -- at 7:01. sheesh.

6:54 a.m.

it has been a very, very long time since i've seen a "6" on the clock in the a.m. it was not long ago that i went to bed, but the living room is picked up, disinfected, vacuumed and positioned with a baby swing. the kitchen is also clean and free of dirty dishes and foul smelling english-ivy-water and seashells.

the babe is on his way! i'm excited for cuddles.

the trick is going to be getting ellie to sleep until her normal 9 or so.

please, Lord.

what i see.

• toys strewn across the living room.
• a roll of kitchen trash bags that collapses into my trash can at the first hint of trash.
• the wrappings from bar-b-que lunch.
• a snoozing dog.
• a dirty pan of taco meat juice that i still haven't dumped from last night.
• a vase of english ivy that i oh-so-martha-stewartly arranged, anchored by seashells from our honeymoon. oh, it stinks 'cause it's been in there for too long.
• ashes on the hearth because the (very heavy, metal and glass) fireplace cover falls off all the time and strews old ash (not even mine) everywhere.
• stained carpet that i wish i could afford to rip up, even if i am renting this house.
• open dish soap.
• formula dust on the counter.
• bills that need to be mailed.
• my steno notebook with story notes scrawled that i can only comprehend for up to two hours after writing them.
• trash scattered across the back porch and yard because the dog got into the bag that we were too lazy to carry all the way to the cans in the back alley.
• a cowboys day calendar flipped to "tuesday, feb. 26."
• fans whirring 'cause the high is 42 tomorrow so i can't turn on the a/c, but i'm stinkin hot.
• a panic attack coming on if i do not remove my rear from this seat and straighten before a tiny newborn baby (born to a very organized, clean, meticulous mama) arrives at this appalling residence in t-minus 7.75 hours.

(sorry, crys. didn't mean to freak you out. i promise it will be spic and span before your son arrives... remember that whole schpeal about deadlines? how the best work is done when the pressure is on? that applies here. oh, how it applies here.)

screw the bars. this saturday night beats 'em all.

after a slight disagreement about whether or not it would be fun to walk around the fair this evening (can you guess what my vote was?), things have turned out just beautifully.

i got the church cleaned earlier so there is no last-minute, late-night cleaning going on. i was feeling tired and totally wiped after reporting and writing a story and cleaning, but my husband did not get irritated with my whiney-ness. he started a load of laundry, started some taco meat (have i mentioned we're doing really well eating at home? sure, it's only been two weeks, but...celebrate the small victories!) and let me sit out on the patio with a glass of water to regain my composure.

i think i was dehydrated or something, 'cause the water did wonders. or maybe it was the patio. or both.

at any rate, we finished cooking tacos with the back door open and the fans on and music playing. it doesn't hurt that we're still rejoicing over $80 electric and gas bills that have been twice that since we moved in here. we ate in the kitchen with no tv. no matter that bills covered the table and counter and dishes are piled in the sink.

while i was putting away the extra taco meat to eat for lunch sometime this week, my husband wrapped his arm around my waist - you know, the way they do that makes you feel skinny and super protected and stuff - kissed me hard and long on the lips and said, "let's play scrabble after ellie goes to bed."

now he's reading that sweet little girl a book in the living room.

i honestly think i've audibly said, "ahhh..." more than once tonight.

again:

ahhh...