so exciting! except i missed it...

so we were hanging out at kayci and jessie's house last night - halfway watching the bor-ing cowboys game.

ellie was rolling all over the place, scooting around, babbling like a sweet pea while we were chatting. i always set her up, and then she takes off like she's gonna crawl, but she can't yet. she gets on all fours and rocks. she stays up for longer and longer each time.

anyway.. she's rolling around on the floor behind me, and all of a sudden i look at landon, and he has his mouth open. he's looking at ellie. i look at her.

she's sitting up!

she got from laying down to sitting up all by herself!

and i missed it...

an afternoon of purpose.

i will admit it, i've been moping (to use a borrowed term) for the past couple of days. ellie beat her diarrhea, but she's had a fever for the last three days. she's much better now, and she didn't have any other symptoms. i think she's getting a tooth.

but about my bad attitude. yeah. i have one. well, my mood tends to get worse as the day goes on; i hit a deep slump in the afternoons most of the time.

except today.

this afternoon i got an email from our mom's ministry director about a mother moving to the dallas-area with her three-month-old daughter. she has a crib and a car seat, but that's it. she needs clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, spoons, toys, hangers...you get the idea.

well, it just so happens that i had a huge pile of things sitting by my door to go to goodwill. i have had to go through ellie's closet several times and pack away things that are too small. some of those things get marked for donation.

i got so excited about the prospect of giving things to this mom in need that i was pulling stuff from the closet that i wasn't planning to give away. amazingly, i have probably 100 diapers in size 2, the right size. and lots of bottles. and lots of 3 month and 3-6 month clothes. and an inordinate amount of baby hangers. and waay too much baby shampoo, lotion, powder, etc. there are towels, washcloths, pacifiers, blankets, toys...so much.

i gathered it all up and packed it in extra baskets i had from baby gifts and showers as well as in baby gift bags.

i figure if she's having a hard time it'd be nice to get things that look like gifts more than handouts.

i had a great time getting things together for this woman and her baby who need them badly. the massive pile by my door doesn't even make a hint of a dent in all of ellie's things. it seemed i had an endless supply from which to give.

hmm.. do you see where this is going?

i've been moping about things not going my way. life not being perfect. not having what i think i need.

but when i was afforded the opportunity to give to someone, i saw just how overflowing the blessings and resources are in my life.

good one, God.

why do you always have to one up me?

the first day of school.

i'm sitting in my cube at 7:15 this morning. i've been here since 6:40.

i have some things to get done, and i'm most focused in the morning (see me? focusing?). so, i'm here.

this morning is bringing out several different emotions in me.

most profound is sadness with a hint of failure. i wanted to be teaching on this day. for most of this summer, i was hopeful that would be the case. but i have no classroom. no students. no teaching job. i do have some supplies for a super awesome bulletin board, white boards shaped like quote bubbles (how awesome for a journalism teacher!?), a hall pass, some reward stickers, birthday certificates and tons of post-it notes for the ever-effective quick write that i wanted to use all the time. sheepishly, i admit to buying those things after a fabulous discovery at the dollar tree, despite the fact that i never even had an interview for a teaching position this year.

i wanted a job so bad.

but this morning i was praying, and the Lord told me that i should not give up. and i choose to believe Him. i believe with each passing day He is preparing me for a classroom. i don't know when He'll let me in on where, exactly, it will be located or how, exactly, i will get there. but i know He's working on it.

i'm taking a crown financial class at the church, and our wonderful teacher, robert, said something that really struck a chord with me in the financial realm, as well as every other realm in which we walk in this life on earth. if we choose not to lean on God, choose not to seek His perfect wisdom and counsel, and we go about attempting to solve our own problems, we are essentially telling Him that His provision is not good enough.

holy smokes. talk about a smack in the face.

my cheek is still red.

but my feelings about this day aren't all bad.

i also started out this morning texting my lovely sister, kylah, with a prayer for her first day. i am rejoicing with you who have classrooms in which to welcome children this morning. they are so blessed. i pray that you are renewed with energy and passion for teaching. i know you know that you may be the only smiling adult face they see all day. talk about responsibility.

i admire all of you deeply.

so here's to the first day of school...it always was a mix of emotions, wasn't it?

some things never change.

thank you.

i'm watching army wives.

i've never seen this show before. i've seen a lot of previews, and thought, "i'd like to watch that." but i never have. until right now.

i just came in at a scene where the wives are kissing their husbands goodbye as they're deployed.

i have no idea what's happening, who is who or anything.

all i know is i'm crying because of how thankful i am to our real life soldiers who fly away in those scary green planes to take care of our country.

and i'm also thinking how i could never, never do it. be one of those wives. i miss landon when he's gone for an hour.

thank you. all of you. so much.

tonight the Lord is saying..

"I will bring it to you when you're ready, you can be sure of that.

"Your job is to get ready."

san angelo is about to be overrun with boys.

jenny's having one. michelle's having one. crystal is likely having one. and now lori is likely having one.

i'm gonna have to bring my girl down there.

talk about choices!

so much happier.

better booties = better babies.

ideas?

i got a great suggestion from la on how to tackle my tragedy of a home -- people like you, la, are my inspiration. SHE has three kids and a perfect house, i can do it too! well, probably not perfect, but a little closer to it than i am now.

even better is the thought of just cleaning the kitchen makes me feel like i could take on some other things this afternoon and evening as well. it's just a matter of breaking it down a bit, and then it looks tacklable. i don't think that's a word, but who cares.

so.. since this is only one example of the infinately wise women reading my blog, i have another one for ya.

how did your kid learn to drink from a sippy cup? i have one that i give ellie with water in it, but she uses it as a toy so far.

i'm not stressing or anything. just wondering if there is some trick to it.

???

a song in my heart.

background: i've been singing since i was five. music has a kind of profoud effect on my mood and my life that i can't begin to explain. during any period of my life, i can tell you the songs the play as the soundtrack.

i can remember walking through the halls of david and delana's church a long time ago -- i can't remember when exactly. either landon and i were engaged, or we'd just been married. but i was walking and singing.

and delana walked past me and said, "you have a little song in your heart, baby?"

she said it in passing, just as she was on her way somewhere else. but it made me think

"was that song in my heart because it was from the Lord, for this time?"

ever since then, i have been more aware of the songs that run through my head. and i'll tell you, i believe the Lord really does give me songs for my current situation. He's always ministered to me through music, but this isn't even a song i've heard lately. and it's in my head. encouraging me. if you look at my post from yesterday evening, you can see how i was amazed to notice these words lifting my head and heart from self-pity, dissapointment and discouragement.

i am continuously amazed at the myriad of ways my God reaches out to me. His love is rich, complex, all-encompassing and pursuing me always. it overwhelmes me.

"You raise me up. i am strong when i am on Your shoulders."

i'm trying to tread water.

"trying" is the key word here. i feel the water creeping. it comes ever-closer to covering my head, sending me sputtering, flailing to failure on the cold, hard bottom of the pool.

***

my veritable lack of posting has been because, for the first time in her short six-month life, ellie is sick. i'd say i'll spare you the details, but i know you don't want me to.

what's worse is i think it's my fault.

after her six-month appointment last monday (aug. 13), the doctor said we could ramp up her solid food eating and spouted off a million-and-one things she could now start eating.

things had been peachy on sweet potatoes, squash, carrots and rice cereal before the appointment. i guess i was excited for the variety so i rushed out and bought 20 different kinds of food for her.

this week, though i gave her a couple feedings of each kind, i think i overdid it on the fruit.

my poor baby has had diarrhea for three days now. add on top of that a terrible yeast infection and killer diaper rash, and i'm the worst mom ever.

i know you all know what these conditions are like, but the screaming at every diaper change is about to send me over the edge. include the fact that diaper changes are coming at least once every 15 minutes, and you can understand my insanity.

needless to say, there hasn't been much accomplished around here.

i will say she has markedly improved since monday. much thanks to dr. smith's diaper rash cream. get it people, it's amazing.

***

so what with ellie's condition, i have slacked even more in my worst area of slacking: laundry and cleaning. ya'll are so sweet saying things about how leaving the mess is worth it, but i'm not buying it. your mess is like, 14 pairs of socks and a cup in the sink. i'm working with five clean loads of laundry that are really no longer clean because my dog has taken 12 naps on them from the time i pulled them out of the dryer and threw them on the couch. and we're talking 25 more loads to go spread out all over the bedroom floor. and we're talking about four dirty bottles and a half emptied dishwasher and a toilet in desperate need of cleaning and a stove taken apart because i planned to clean it, but i haven't and sticky counters dusted with formula and a kitchen table that hasn't seen a meal in months because it's covered in scrapbooking crap and bills that probably still need to be paid and a dog that needs a bath and the stand mixer that is still out from when i made chocolate chip cookies the other day.

hmm.. how did those FIVE DOZEN cookies already disappear?

***

and i'm eating ramen. because we're broke. and that could be a post longer than you've ever read. but i'll refrain.

***

and the teaching thing. i'm not getting a job for this year. that's for sure. and everyone i talk to says i should get certified in English too because that'd help me get a position since there are so many more openings. and "all i need" to be highly qualified in English is two upper-level literature courses. sounds easy enough. wrong. upper level means i have to apply and be admitted to grad school. community college is not an option here. i want to get a masters degree, but is that insanity with everything else going on? just the application leaves me exhausted. references, recommendations, essays, transcripts, GREs, GMATs. ugh.

and it's too late to be admitted and start classes for the fall semester. but will i be done in time if i take spring classes to apply for English jobs for '08-'09? and can i find any that fit my schedule? masters classes aren't like English 101 that has 25 different section offerings. there is a Master of Liberal Arts at Dallas Baptist University that sounds perfect - only three course are required and the other 27 hours are whatever you want. but each credit hour is $508.

which brings me back to ramen.

it'd be a good weight loss plan, i guess.

***

all this, and my feet hurt.

it's hard to tread water when your feet hurt.

exponential.

i was unable to keep up with the cleaning and washing before i had a child.

it was a problem then.

i think we've moved beyond "problem" now.

so far beyond, in fact, that i cannot even see "problem" anymore.

now all i see is "tragedy."

sleeping alone sucks.

i miss you, landon.

that is all.

just pray.

this is something i just sent in an email to someone who is fast becoming a very dear friend. i thought all of us here in "the circle" could glean some encouragement from it. nothing astounding. something we all know. but it's nice to be reminded sometimes.

"i think our toughest job as wives and mothers is to just let God do it and know that we fight our biggest battles on our knees."

the context was that it's harder to just give things up and pray, which is ultimately the scenario in which God changes things for the better. we'd rather take a crack or 900 at the problem first. we like to fix.

can i get an "amen?"

is it obvious?

can i be pretty sure that "my friend" is coming when a home depot commercial makes me cry?

umm.. yeah.

ridiculous.

vermont moose shirt + tiny khaki shorts = cutie baby.

sleepy boo.

she hardly ever sleeps in this bouncy seat. yes, those are carrots (or sweet potatoes or squash or...) you see on the chair. i cleaned the cover right after this. i swear.

the ever-perfect Answer to my sadness.

"no, i cannot count the ways that You have made my life so blessed.
all i know is that You came and made beauty of my mess.

no, i cannot count the ways that You have made my life so blessed.
all i know is that You came and made beauty of meeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss!

and You MAKE ME HAPPY!"

(sing this song LOUD while making cookies, and tell me you don't start to feel better.)

blah.

i'm at home right now. i stay home on friday mornings until landon gets off at noonish to take over childcare duties. then i go to an editorial meeting and work the rest of the day.

i don't know if it's because it's cloudy. or because my house is so messy. or because landon's going to be gone part of this weekend for a funeral. or because it's 100 percent sure that i won't get a teaching job this year. or...what. but i am not feeling well.

i need to pay some bills. paying bills is boring.

i really want to make chocolate chip cookies. maybe that will help my mood. thing is, i have to clean the kitchen in order to make room to make cookies. and then i will have to clean it again. it's probably worth it. i just have negative motivation to do anything but lay in my bed today. i don't know what my deal is.

i guess i better stop complaining and do something.

my fabulous husband got up this morning and closed the door so softly that i didn't hear. he got up at the first peep from ellie and fed her and changed her and set her to watch her morning session of praise baby. that was at 8. i didn't have to get out of bed until 9. oh, he is wonderful.

the deal was that i'd clean the house LAST night if he'd get up with the baby and let me sleep. yeah, i didn't clean last night. but he still held up his end of the deal, the sweetie.

so..i should make some effort.

it's just that i feel sad. i felt sad yesterday too. and probably have for at least a week or so. i don't know what it is. maybe it's just that weird, beginning of school/transitional thing that always makes you feel strange inside.

who knows.

chocolate chip cookies oughta help, right?

get a tissue. this freakin rocks.

i have bangs! problem is: so do the teenagers in our youth group.

so i got a haircut today. this is it. i like it. i dyed it dark. and it's sleeker than normal, if that makes sense. i'm wanting to grow it out. landon is in the mood to have it long, and it costs less to maintain. it was really needing a cut, and i needed some sort of cute plan for my brother's wedding in three weeks. i don't remember asking for these bangs. i looked at a picture at max's station of his wife and asked, "does michelle (his wife) still have those bangs?" and then he started cutting bangs. i don't know what happened. i think i like them. i just wonder if they look like i'm trying to be younger than i am. i saw my 16-year-old brother, and he said, "i like it. that's how all the girls in my grade have their hair." yeah...that's what i was afraid of. i mean, i am only 24. but i'm a mom. i don't know. what do you think?

this is what the bangs look like most of the time...falling.
the swept bangs.
my "good side."
the bad side.
and the token sexy look.

daddy and baby this morning. is there a question as to who she looks like?

six whole, "sturdy" months.

we took ellie to the doctor today for her six-month checkup. she's 26 inches. she grew two inches since four months. and she's 16 lbs. 11 ozs. she's gained nearly seven pounds since four months. sheesh.

dr. ashworth said she's a champ at sitting up. also that she's ahead on speaking consanant syllables like you saw (sorta. more like heard.) in the previous video. dr. also said it's, "obvious she likes to be in the middle of things." um...no kidding. oh, and she said she was, "sturdy." another no kidding. she had to get four shots again this time, but she cried for only about five minutes (compared to about 15) because her daddy was there to hold her. she loves her daddy. she can eat anything she wants besides egg whites and honey, including soft stuff that we're eating at the table! i can't believe that. she also said we can start her on a sippy cup. my tiny baby using a cup? i can't believe that either.

time flies, man. like faster than a speeding bullet.

i can't believe she's mine. i was holding her before laying her in bed tonight, and i thought, "i have a daughter..."

that realization hits me every now and then like a ton of bricks.

oh, the good fortune.

the photos of her pink dress and the bathrobe are from this weekend. kylah, do you remember buying that dress? and not that long ago? it seemed so big... the rest of the photos are from tonight, her birthday.

i love you, ellie belle. it's an honor to be your mommy.

ellie's soundtrack. yes, she's saying "da da," dangit.

(really bad video, i know. just listen. i never could get her to do it again when i had my camera AND light.)

thirty.

tonight i was reading ellie a book. i have read her a few books in her short six months, but i will admit that i wish i'd been doing it more often. tonight, on the night of her half-year birthday, i committed to read her at least one book every night.

we read a book called 'adeline.' delana gave ellie the book during the san angelo baby shower, i believe. i'd never read it before tonight when i was reading to e. the whole thing rhymes, and it's super cute. it's about a little girl who loves valentine's day, and gets about a million valentines. they all talk about how they love her, but there is one who loves her more. she goes through the day getting so many valentines, just waiting. finally she finds out who loves her most.

"so adeline cleared off her little pink chair,
and she sat down, exhausted, and whispered a prayer:

'i thank you, dear God, for this beautiful day,
for the thousands of valentines you sent my way.
but tell me, dear God, i'm asking you please,
who could possibilty care for me
more than all these?'

'my dear child,' whispered God in a voice small and still,
'you have asked me to tell you, and tell you i will.

these valentine wishes have helped you to see
that the one who loves adeline greatest is ME!

i gave you your family.
i gave you good friends.
i gave you your hair that curls up on the ends.
i gave you the flowers.
i gave you the trees.
i gave you milk chocolate. i gave you swiss cheese!

all the things in this world i have given with pleasure
to show you, my child, that it's YOU that i treasure.'"

um.. hello. remind me not to read outloud before i know how a book ends. if ellie knew any better, she'd think i was nutso.

***

i've been thinking all day about how to approach this post about david and delana on their 30th anniversary. i really don't think i have words. but after reading that book to ellie, i started thinking about how God has shown me His love by blessing me with them as family. i cannot describe to you the esteem in which i hold them. they have provided for me. supported me. encouraged me. exhorted me. they have challenged me, comforted me and listened to me.

most of all, they have loved me.

from the second i met them, the love of God has radiated through them and penetrated my heart and soul.

there will never, ever, ever be a way to repay or explain the gift i have been given in these two individuals. not only are they wonderful, but all three of their children have blessed my life in incomprehendable ways!

i could ramble here forever.

david & delana,

i hope you are enjoying your anniversary trip. your marriage is an inspiration to me, and i can only hope to someday make a fraction of the difference in someone else's life that you have made in mine.

i love you more than words.

your daughter,

sarah

a very small p.s. here... isn't david stinkin' handsome! still is. man, you're lucky, mama. :)

kjh. i mean, kjk.

i was talking to landon today about something that is happening in my friend amy's life. i don't really know the details of it because she won't tell me. i'm cool with that. i was telling landon about how she told me she did spill her guts to our mutual good friend jeanette -- jeanette is amy's best friend.

landon said, "if amy and jeanette are best friends, who is your best friend?"

i thought for a second.

then i said, "kylah jo henry."

(then i said, "oops, i mean kylah jo kotze...")

he said, "awww.... really?"

then he said, "do you talk to her about me?!"

hehehehe...

rearranged.

i moved the furniture around in my living room on wednesday night. i was sitting with the baby on the floor about an hour before we needed to leave for church when i decided to do it. i put ellie in her exersaucer, got out the vacuum and went to work.

for those of you who've ever been to my apartment, the TV is now where the red chair used to be. the couch is still essencially in the same spot only the red chair is now next to it. when landon came home from the youth activity (at a very nice time of 10 p.m., i might add...), he made the most wonderful face, pleased with my handiwork.

later he said, "you know what my favorite part about this is?"

i looked around.

"that the couch and the chair are next to each other?" (the chair is his; it was a valentine's day present the first year we were married.)

he nodded with a sweet little smile he gives when he's trying to be cute. and succeeding.

i said, "so we can hold hands!"

he nodded again.

***

i was thinking about my living room when it occured to me that its slightly improved appearance is a reflection of what God has been doing in my life this summer.

i'm still me. there hasn't been any completely new change. but He has certainly been doing some rearranging.

there are new, more important things pressing on my heart as the fall draws near. (though you wouldn't know it. the heat index in dallas is 107 degrees today.) i'm going to join bsf - a seven-year Bible study that my mom completed a couple years ago. i long to go deeper into the Word.

i'm going to commit to volunteering at the pregnancy center. i'll be a client consultant who basically counsels young girls who are pregnant and don't know what to do. i long to live out what Jesus commanded in the Bible, that we reach out to those who need Him desperately.

i am longing for excellence in all my endeavors. and for the kind of discipline i've never been able to acheive, but know i'm capable of with His help.

all this time i've been thinking that God has been moving me to change professions. then, when i didn't get a job, i thought, "um, hello? what the heck is Your problem?!" and while He may still bless me with a classroom of kiddos at some point, the stirring in my soul for something new, something fresh, something better has been so much bigger, something far beyond what i was able to comprehend at first.

***

on wednesday night, pastor dennis talked about the direction of our youth group for this coming school year. he told us that the boat is leaving the dock, and we're dropping the dead weight. he has challenged the leaders to either jump in with both feet, or get out. and he's not kidding. there is a desperation and passion in the staff -- dennis, landon, jesse and josh -- that is new to me. they are not messing around. dennis talked about how our students do not have small dreams; they have God-sized dreams. he shared with us about some kids who really, truly believe that they will end the suffering in the sudan. and another two who want to go to medical school, believe they will be blessed with the money so they won't have loans and plan to go to poor countries along with dozens of other doctors to administer free health care to people who have no access to it. oh, i was crying. these are 16-year-old kids! some even younger. he told us that these kids have the ability and the vision to, very literally, change the world. but they need us. they need us to tell them they can do it. and to help them get there. the point that touched me most was this:

"without leaders who are gutsy enough to rise to the challenge, this generation will pass quietly into the night having reflected the actions and attitudes of those who led them."

h-o-l-y c-o-w.

oh, Lord, i cannot tell You how much i want to be one of those leaders who makes a difference. a long time ago You placed in my heart a desire to minister to teenagers; to build them up and encourage them in the knowledge that You have more for them than they've ever imagined.

this summer You have been reminding me of that.

You've been changing the order of my priorities, my thoughts and my vision.

please don't stop.

for i have been rearranged. i refuse to go back.

stylin' 'n profilin'

friday morning.

happily playing one minute..


and very ready for a nap the next...

speaking of nicknames..

..why doesn't everybody post nicknames they have for their kiddos. this is always a funny topic. if you don't have any kids, post what you call your husband. i don't call landon anything except for "bubba." and then the normal, "babe," "baby," "hey you.." no, just kidding on that last one. but i know there are some creative pet names for significant others (ahem, kylah) out there. so, post it up!

ellie:
zúca
mookie
monkey
monkey hair
ellie belle
belle
baby belle

sleepy zúca.

my baby must be growing.

on wednesday night she went to bed at 9 p.m. she woke up yesterday at 10 a.m.

then she took at least two naps yesterday with laura.

when i got home from my class last night at 8, she was sleeping in her carseat in her nursery. landon said she'd been asleep since 5:30 p.m. in the seat! while he played basketball!

i finally woke her up at 10 p.m., fed her a bottle and laid her back down. i didn't expect she'd go back to sleep, but she passed right back out.

she woke up at 8:30 this morning.

it's 9:37 and she's currently fading in her swing.

what in the world?

(zúca is short for azúcar, which means "sugar" in spanish. it's one of my nicknames for ellie. say the "z" like an "s" for those of you who don't speak spanish...)

this is really the sweet potatoes.

(i mean, e in the bath...)

once more with feeling... does it work now?

question.

how am i supposed to even fake the appearance of a clean house with this huge, plastic, brightly colored, noise-making circle o' fun (the exersaucer -- a blessing and a curse) in the middle of my living room?

oh, i know this has only just begun.

i need more space.

too many baby things.

a tip.

challenging sermon from pastor gerald tonight about those things that a truly mature person is capable of doing. i'm trying to straighten some before landon and our house guest, greg, get home from a movie with the youth so i won't go over everything. that maybe a post in the near future, however. i will tell you one tidbit gerald threw out that would be helpful to any of you married folks out there.

he said when he used to counsel couples (when the church was smaller, before we had several pastors on staff) he would talk about the 2-minute rule. he said the things you say in the two minutes before leaving the house and the two minutes after coming home are the most important.

makes very good sense to me. and i think the idea is, if you come home and refuse to speak rude, irritated, condescending words in the first two minutes, you will have pushed past most of those thoughts.

i like it. i'm gonna try it. i don't actually know how i usually respond before leaving landon or when coming home to him. but i'm going to pay more attention, and make sure only (well, mostly..) sweetness and light leaves my lips and lands on his ears in those two minutes, at least.

i know how much i like it when i'm greeted with kisses and smiles.

i'm sure the that goes for him as well.

mmmm...

stylin' in a jean skirt and strappy gold sandals.

finally, ellie has an exersaucer!

clarification.

OK... i totally didn't mean to sound like i was mad at landon and/or saying he did anything wrong.

he just uses the time after wednesday night activities (or has the past few weeks) to hang out with his friends.

i'm perfectly OK with that.

seriously.

i'm not being force to write this at gunpoint.

really.

not at all.

SERIOUSLY! my husband is wonderful. i like that he has so many friends. really, i am amazed at how many people find him and remember him from different times in life.

i don't think that many people remember me at all.

i think i'm getting off topic...

landon is amazing.

that is all.

it seems...

...that my husband has a problem with this statement:

"i get the impression that he takes advantage of wednesday night youth activities. i think the kids are supposed to be picked up or gone by 10. we live 1 minutes (yeah, i said minutes) from the church. hmmm.."

he doesn't "like how that sounds."

stay tuned for a rare first-person post from landon.

thank heaven for tricia.

my lovely friend/coworker tricia just happens to have her personal pc laptop at work so i got to see the ellie photos! almost everyone here has a mac. i have a dell, but it won't let me look 'cause of the plug-in you have to download.

anyway...as expected...they're greatness.

great expectations does really great work, i must say.

decisions, decisions...

four/five-month photos from ge.

i can't see them at work. i can't see them on my mac at home. AHH!

maybe you can see them.

let me know how wonderful they are. i probably won't be able to see them until 9 p.m. or something.

sad.

untitled.

i always have a title for my posts before i start writing. it's kinda weird because i never have headlines for my stories before i write them. i always write the headline last -- after i know how the story turns out.

well, on this post. there is no title.

i don't know where i'm going.

my life in six words right there: "i don't know where i'm going."

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i don't like wednesday nights this summer. i go to church, but then i have to come home 'cause it's ellie's bedtime; landon has to go to the youth activity. it's 10:49 p.m., and he still isn't back. i get the impression that he takes advantage of wednesday night youth activities. i think the kids are supposed to be picked up or gone by 10. we live 1 minutes (yeah, i said minutes) from the church. hmmm.. i just don't like being without him. i'm without him too much as it is.

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i'm praying for a specific phone call tomorrow. will you please pray with me? i'm here trying to figure out "where i'm going." i know, i know, God. i know You're leading to wherever we're going.

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ellie's crying.. hold on.

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OK. back.

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this might be tmi, but my pelvis hurts. ever since i had the baby -- almost six months ago now -- i've had this feeling of being split down the middle. squeezing my knees together takes effort. for awhile i thought it was nursing hormones making my joints loose still, but i haven't nursed (...) for almost two months now. it's worse when i sit for long periods of time.

***

did i mention i'm praying for a call tomorrow? yeah. i am.

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i'm so proud of kylah. she is so beautiful and wonderful. i know you all know, but she got a job in san antonio. northside isd. the school she'll teach first grade at was rated "recognized" by the TEA for 2007. ratings were released today. i'm an education reporter. nerdy, i know.

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he's still not home.

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i think doc is hungry. he tends to skittle about like a spaz when he's hungry. i should get him some food.

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i cannot believe jenny can remember that many details. i remember a lot, but sheesh. the best lines in my love story novel would say, "i see christmases in your eyes" and "would it be crazy if i told you i think i'm falling in love with you?" they're only 13 at this point...this is the longest story ever told. i LOVE it.

***

OK...going to bed.

***

do you ever just have so much to say that nothing can get out?

simon who?

all it took just now to get ellie to stop fussing and fall asleep was a jazzy rendition of "when the saints go marching in" and "swing low, sweet chariot" -- a medley, if you will.

sorta slow, snapping with a little sway and she succumbed.

get a baby. you feel like a star.