Aiming for progress, not perfection.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

i'm trying to tread water.

"trying" is the key word here. i feel the water creeping. it comes ever-closer to covering my head, sending me sputtering, flailing to failure on the cold, hard bottom of the pool.

***

my veritable lack of posting has been because, for the first time in her short six-month life, ellie is sick. i'd say i'll spare you the details, but i know you don't want me to.

what's worse is i think it's my fault.

after her six-month appointment last monday (aug. 13), the doctor said we could ramp up her solid food eating and spouted off a million-and-one things she could now start eating.

things had been peachy on sweet potatoes, squash, carrots and rice cereal before the appointment. i guess i was excited for the variety so i rushed out and bought 20 different kinds of food for her.

this week, though i gave her a couple feedings of each kind, i think i overdid it on the fruit.

my poor baby has had diarrhea for three days now. add on top of that a terrible yeast infection and killer diaper rash, and i'm the worst mom ever.

i know you all know what these conditions are like, but the screaming at every diaper change is about to send me over the edge. include the fact that diaper changes are coming at least once every 15 minutes, and you can understand my insanity.

needless to say, there hasn't been much accomplished around here.

i will say she has markedly improved since monday. much thanks to dr. smith's diaper rash cream. get it people, it's amazing.

***

so what with ellie's condition, i have slacked even more in my worst area of slacking: laundry and cleaning. ya'll are so sweet saying things about how leaving the mess is worth it, but i'm not buying it. your mess is like, 14 pairs of socks and a cup in the sink. i'm working with five clean loads of laundry that are really no longer clean because my dog has taken 12 naps on them from the time i pulled them out of the dryer and threw them on the couch. and we're talking 25 more loads to go spread out all over the bedroom floor. and we're talking about four dirty bottles and a half emptied dishwasher and a toilet in desperate need of cleaning and a stove taken apart because i planned to clean it, but i haven't and sticky counters dusted with formula and a kitchen table that hasn't seen a meal in months because it's covered in scrapbooking crap and bills that probably still need to be paid and a dog that needs a bath and the stand mixer that is still out from when i made chocolate chip cookies the other day.

hmm.. how did those FIVE DOZEN cookies already disappear?

***

and i'm eating ramen. because we're broke. and that could be a post longer than you've ever read. but i'll refrain.

***

and the teaching thing. i'm not getting a job for this year. that's for sure. and everyone i talk to says i should get certified in English too because that'd help me get a position since there are so many more openings. and "all i need" to be highly qualified in English is two upper-level literature courses. sounds easy enough. wrong. upper level means i have to apply and be admitted to grad school. community college is not an option here. i want to get a masters degree, but is that insanity with everything else going on? just the application leaves me exhausted. references, recommendations, essays, transcripts, GREs, GMATs. ugh.

and it's too late to be admitted and start classes for the fall semester. but will i be done in time if i take spring classes to apply for English jobs for '08-'09? and can i find any that fit my schedule? masters classes aren't like English 101 that has 25 different section offerings. there is a Master of Liberal Arts at Dallas Baptist University that sounds perfect - only three course are required and the other 27 hours are whatever you want. but each credit hour is $508.

which brings me back to ramen.

it'd be a good weight loss plan, i guess.

***

all this, and my feet hurt.

it's hard to tread water when your feet hurt.

7 comments:

beautiful chaos said...

Peace. I pray peace over you, and your home, your finances, your mind, you little girl's tummy. Jesus calmed the raging seas with an outstretched hand. "Peace, be still" written in red. These raging waters you tread are a part of life. It is not needless for you to take care of business. It's the fretting that is needless. reach out for His hand, the one that calms the water. Peace, be still.
Your answers will come, in due season. Until then, hold on tight to the hand that will raise you out of the murky water. He waits. He is the fighter of your battles, the Divider of the Red Sea (Exodus 14), your source.
I love you!
And as I blog on your blog, hey- it's what I do - Your little girl's bottom will be okay. I remember when my son used to get the most awful diaper rashes. The kind that you can hardly believe are classifiable as "diaper rash"
He bled. It looked like a raw burger. He even has scars from them. Feed her yogurt eith acidophilus. Give her a warm bath with oodles of baking soda in it. it's like 50 cents for a box and it puts out the 'fire' on their little touschie.
Get a yeast infection cream, my son's was called Nystatin (prescription). I'll express it to you if you want me to...
naked booties heal faster, I know, naked booties with diarrhea are no fun, I have been there... but they do heal faster...
Prayers are streaming out to the Father for you and yours tonight.

cassandralynne. said...

I thought in Texas, that once you had a degree, all you have to do is "test out" of areas and then you're certified in them. I could be wrong, but I *think* that's what they mandated a few years back. Maybe it's only in certain areas...I'd call TEA and talk to an actual human being and see what they say (you'll be on hold for about 30 minutes, but whatever). It may work out that you wouldn't have to go to grad school, just take the test. Call 'em: 1-888-863-5880.

seph said...

see cassandra's blog about being sad that grey's anatomy doesn't start until sept. 27 for my response to this comment.

La said...

A already gave you some good stuff. I'm sorry sweet Ellie is sick. It's horrible when they feel rotten and you can't fix it. =(

As for your house, I won't pretend that this is a huge problem for me because it's not. I'm a clean person. But, I remember when I started having babies and the overwhelming feeling of not being able to get anything done because I spent my days nursing constantly. My mom gave me some great advice that really helped me through that time. She said - just clean one area a day. After about a week it will become much more manageable. Keeping things clean is way easier then cleaning things.

So tonight, once Ellie is finally asleep spend about 10 or 15 minutes and clean your kitchen. That's not enough time to make it super sparkley but it's enough for now. Tomorrow do your bathroom. Don't get bogged down by ALL of it. That would make anyone cry. The key is to keep it clean as you go, which I know is easier said than done with a baby. But clean is a mindset. Pick up as you go through out your day. Don't leave the bottle laying on the nightstand. Take it to the kitchen on your next trip in there. STOP doing more laundry until you've put away what you've already done.

Cleaning is not spiritual, I know, but it does take a "renewing of your mind". =) Think clean. Having babies just takes time to adjust to. You will get better at all this. I can get as much done with 3 as I did with 1 because I have had practice. I have adjusted to having kids! You will too.

(Was that like the biggest nag session on cleaning ever? Sorry. It's one of my soapboxes....)

cassandralynne. said...

Geez. What a pain. And for only two classes...I know how frustrating this must be. :o(

no_iffer said...

Yes, naked booties do heal faster. Bananas and cheese can help stop the parade of diapers, and you, dear one, are NOT a terrible mom or housekeeper or anything. You are fantastic. I have a pretty self sufficient four year old right now and my house could be described in almost the exact same way you described yours, minus the oven in parts because I have never once considered cleaning it. Seriously.

And you did not cause this sickness. It just happens. Mason got this so randomly and I tried desperately to find a reason, but sometimes there isn't one. You did nothing but try to expose your daughter to all the wonderful tastes in the world and that is great! We all do it!

I would try to say something as eloquent as what A said, but what's the point? I wouldn't come close. His answers will come, ramen will disappear, and you will look back on this time with a smile. You are just growing in faith, which seems impossible to me since you are the most faithful and God Trusting woman I know. But it will work out.

I would seriously look into more options for getting certified, because I really don't think you will have to take any more classes. If I, a person, who didn't take ONE college English class, can teach English, you certainly can. And it will be an easier position to get, especially if you teach Jr. High. They're not so bad, really.

Okay, enough advice and I should have typed you an email, instead of this insanity. Just know that I think you are a wonderful, perfect, fantastic mom who is raising a wonderful, perfect, fantastic daughter and that "this too shall pass." (I repeat that to myself like a thousand times a day.)

Love ya!

marme said...

Thank you sweet Jesus for such precious friends you have given to my girls.

For this I am truly blessed...

Great advice chick-a-dees!