gross.

i guess it's not that big of a deal that on the right sidebar of my hotmail inbox there are always annoying advertisments. the service is free, and they have to make money somehow. i'm down.

but what i hate with a passion is that the ads seem to constantly be for some sort of acne cream or cellulite-ridding miracle product. because then i'm looking at someone's dimpled butt in a thong bikini or a pulsing white-head pimple magnified 200 times.

who can i complain to about this situation?

nasty.

basketball dreams.

have you seen that kia commercial that says, "supporter of basketball dreams" at the end of it?

it's all these people throwing things -- trash, laundry, eggs into the frying pan -- saying, "three, two, one...." and making a buzzer beater.

it makes me cry 'cause at the end there's a little girl on her driveway saying the same thing, shooting an actual basketball, and right as the ball leaves her hands, her dad drives up (in a kia, of course) and honks the horn. like the buzzer, get it?

it makes me cry because i imagine ellie and landon playing basketball on the driveway someday. i can't wait.

......

lord, have mercy. i am having a most hormonal day. it's really quite ridiculous.

definition of rollercoaster: motherhood.

she just nursed! at 4:30 in the afternoon, after a long nap in her swing, she nursed!

took the shower.

it didn't help.

kylah emailed me, and hit the nail on the head. i didn't even mention it in my previous post, but it's not so much the nourishment for ellie that i'd miss if she stopped breastfeeding, though that is a big deal.

it'd be the connection. the thought that all those precious rolls on her tiny body were not created by me. the knowledge that this is the first step in a future of many that will pave her path away from needing me.

and this afternoon, that hurts.

i'm still sad. worse even, at the concrete statement of the truth.

sad and frustrated.

so i've been back at work for almost two months now. i've been doing my best to pump so ellie can continue to have as much breastmilk as possible. even though i figured out the correct way to use my pump, i can't pump as much as she eats in a feeding. the machine is just not as efficient as her little sucker. this reality means i'm always behind on making milk for her even if i manage to pump every time she eats. i won't even start in on how difficult it is to pump with my job when a very small portion of my time is actually spent in an office. so that being said, ellie gets some formula. and i'm OK with that. before i went back to work, i would have started bawling if you would've told me my baby would be eating formula at three-and-half months old. i don't really know why. i just want to give her the best there is to give, and everyone knows that's breastmilk. but i've realized that life is what it is, and plenty of perfectly well-adjusted people drank formula as babies. it didn't kill them. i didn't have breastmilk after four months because mom had a similar pumping dilemma. here's what's making me sad now. while ellie will nurse beautifully in the middle of the night and at her first couple of feedings of the day, she's gotten to the point where she screams her little head off in hunger but refuses to nurse from about noon until bedtime. it varies from day-to-day, but i'm starting to see a pattern. i'm fairly certain it's because she's become used to the easy flow of the bottle (whether it's formula or breastmilk) when i'm away, and she gets mad at having to work too hard to get the milk from me. books and advice columns and most likely the lactation consultant, though i haven't contacted one, would tell me not to apease her with the bottle, but rather to stop, wait and try again in a little bit after she's calmed down. funny that these lovely book writers have babies that will cry for awhile, then get tired and stop. they don't know my ellie who will literally scream hysterically for hours on end if that's how long it takes for you to figure out how to get her what she wants. so, being unable to do anything but sit and slowly go crazy at the sound of screams of bloody murder, i make her a bottle of formula. yes, i could pump after i feed her that to keep up my supply. but then i'm basically sitting for two feedings back-to-back, and i'm supposed to be working! i don't know why she will nurse just fine in the middle of the night and in the morning, but then turns into a terror after that. i'm just really afraid it's going to compromise my milk supply, and i'm going to stop breastfeeding altogether. i love my job, but it's things like this that make me wish we would've been in a place for me to stay home for awhile. then she never would've gotten so used to the bottle.

i guess i'll go shower now. it's 2:48 p.m., and i haven't made it yet.

i'm sad.

just when?

just when does one move from the perfectly normal desire to entertain and appease the baby to complete insanity?

just a moment ago, i was jogging in circles around ellie's nursery, flailing my arms and legs, shaking my head and singing, "happy, happy, joy, joy! happy, happy, joy! happy, happy, joy, joy, joy!" over and over again in an attempt to get her to stop crying.

also, it doesn't work to eat wheat thins in the shower. they tend to sog.

curves.

those who question our divine creation have never studied a mother nursing her child in the early hours of the morning.

the picture is one of God-inspired curves.

a still less-than-flat belly curves softly to cushion a sleepy, hungry baby.

an elbow and forearm curve to cradle the baby's head, and two hands fit perfectly to cup her head and bottom.

there is the curve of the mother's smile as she gazes at her precious child.

the circle of the nursing baby's mouth is one she forms automatically from birth - searching to find her mother's milk from the moment she entered the world.

and there is the curve of perfect eyelashes against pure, white skin, of a forehead, nose and cheeks that make a most-beautiful profile and the soft flesh rolls that have formed at wrists, elbows, knees and ankles because of nursing sessions like these.

the mother's curves are there to comfort and nourish her baby's body.

the baby's curves are there to comfort and nourish her mother's soul.

a thought.

if spit up was a fashion accessory, i could grace the cover of vogue.

laughter, like peals of the most glorious bell - my ellie belle.

i've discovered a sound that rivals the most beautiful sound to date - the cries of my child seconds after birth. i will never forget those cries. as, for the first time, oxygen entered her young lungs, ellie's cries stole my heart to a place from which i'll never be able to retrieve it.

well, she has come close to beating herself. no quite, but close.

today, for the first time, ellie laughed.

she's been close for a couple of weeks, but this was all-out giggling. she did it over and over. i had her lying on my bed, and i was kissing her under her jaw and her chin. i was being dramatic about it; taking a deep, audible breath and making a crazy face before kissing her nosily.

i did it over and over, though it was hard as i found myself laughing and crying at the same time - the uncontrollably grateful, humble feeling i get when the Holy Spirit touches my heart with something.

what a sweet blessing.

"mirth is God's medicine. everybody ought to bathe in it." -henry ward beecher

this day, bathe in it i did.

aunt lolli: the most wonderful sister on earth.

as most of you know, i'm lucky enough to have worked out a schedule that allows me to keep ellie out of a traditional daycare. landon watches her mondays and friday afternoons. i watch her wednesdays and friday mornings. and tuesdays and thursdays my sister, the reason for this post, watches her.

laura (affectionately known at aunt lolli) is a gift from heaven for so many reasons, but the one we will discuss this afternoon is her baby-watching ability.

the woman is working for peanuts, and drives her pretty little head all the way from denton to my apartment in plano so ellie can be comfortable in her own home. laura is so good with her - i know ellie is beyond taken care of.

here's my favorite part: laura is so good about updating me throughout the day. she never forgets to tell me when ellie's eating (ahem, landon) so i can pump (sorta)consistently with her schedule. she calls to talk to me whenever ellie is fussy. and, this is my super favorite, she sends me picture mail. i'll be sitting at my desk working away, and my phone beeps. i look at it to see my sweet baby smiling or swinging or sleeping with a message written as if ellie is saying it. the one i got today has a way cute picture of ellie with a headband on. it says, "aunt lolli bought me headbands! i love them!!" laura had to run to wal-mart to get some more mylacon drops (ellie has been a bit gassy the past few days), and apparently got suckered into some sweet headbands while she was there.

it just makes me feel so good to have updates -- without even having to ask for them -- so i know my baby is safe and happy.

laura is incredible.

when i stop to think about it, i am amazed at how wonderfully blessed i am with a sister like her.

so wonderfully blessed.

fresh and delicious.

the apartment is awesomely clean. it's beautiful, and to top of the greatness, i got some cute stuff from ikea today. i finally found a three-photo frame for the bridesmaids pictures from my wedding. i got a white one of the same that has our names written in chinese in it. it looks so cool. (you're going to love it delana.) i'm just trying to decide where to hang it. i also got three new pillow for the couch, the rest of the black frames for our black and white wedding pictures, a curly bamboo for the tall amber-colored vase on the shelf over our bed and three super cool, small, white vases for our bathroom.

but back to the apartment...

i must say that i'm not going to get addicted to the cleaning ladies the way i am to expensive haircuts and pedicures. it's too expensive, and, albeit beautiful, there just isn't the same satisfaction that comes with doing the cleaning myself. i like to feel proud of my clean house. basically today i feel guilty for paying so much to have some else do it. that's why i promised landon i'll keep it up.

i really do want our home to be a haven. whether it's this modest apartment, our dream home (hey, it could happen) or something in between - i want my hard-working husband to be able to relex when he comes home. i want my baby to feel calm here. i want to feel creative here. i want friends to have fun here.

there are so many things i want to do, but keeping the house clean and organized needs to be moved to the top of the list.

it really does make such a difference.

take 2.

so i got the dress for the wedding in the mail yesterday. it's super cute and super small. it's also super pink. it's supposed to be a more dusty pink according to the photo online, but it's much brighter in real life. the lace overlay is actually not at all the same as the photo. the floral pattern is completely different. so..i showed it to kelly tonight, and she's not impressed. i have to return it. but, take heart, i've already found (and ordered) another option. i got a great deal on the first dress, but this one is $36! it's BCBG on overstock.com. love it. tell me what you think.



also good news: this dress comes in s, m, l and xl. i ordered a medium, which should work no matter how much weight i lose before the wedding. anywhere from a half a dress size to two and a half dress sizes, and i should still be a medium. good times.

cleaning for the cleaning lady.

i know someone, maybe everyone, is going to make fun of me for this. but today, between 12:45 and 1:45, I have cleaning ladies coming to clean my apartment.

yes. my apartment. my 867-sqare-foot apartment.

i've been manning the basics since ellie was born, and i've done a pretty darn good job of keeping things straight and organized for the most part. i've gone through quite a bit of our stuff and have a HUGE pile over at mom's for a theoretical garage sale. i'm doing a tiny bit better on the laundry lately. i'm trying to get rid of things to which i do not have a fairly sizable sentimental attachement.

but the apartment needs a deep clean. you know, scrubbing the baseboards. taking apart the entire stove. mopping all the floors. hard-core disinfection of the bathrooms. that type of thing.

so, since i just cannot seem to find four to five hours in my schedule to get all of that done, i hired someone. then the plan is to do great maintenance and keep everything lovely.

i'm really so excited.

tonight when landon comes home, everything is going to be spotless, sparkly and lemony-fresh smelling. i'm going to light candles and buy fresh flowers and i'm just going to marvel for a moment at my perfectly clean (pseudo-)palace.

then landon's massive shoes will begin filling the living room again. the dog will barf or poop or both. the baby will spit up. i'll spill while cooking. and someon, hmm, will pee all over the toilet seat.

and then i will cry.

or maybe i'll just call the cleaning ladies back!

this could be dangerous if i get addicted to the cleaning ladies the way i am to other luxuries like really nice haircuts or pedicures.

no, no. i won't do that. just today. for the deep clean. then i'll keep it up myself.

i think.

*note on the headline: growing up we often had a cleaning lady, and mom always made us "clean for the cleaning lady." that never made any sense to me until now. writing this blog was a short break from the frantic straightening (read: stuffing) i've been doing all morning in order to make room on all surfaces for the cleaning ladies to clean. i can't wait!

*one more note: landon doesn't know i hired the cleaning ladies. umm....yeah.

scary exciting.

yesterday at the church picnic, my friend stephanie asked me to sing at her wedding in june.

the song is "when God made you" by newsong. funny thing, we played that song at my wedding, though it was recording. i also think nat had it at her wedding. it was live at that lovely event.

it's a duet, and i'll be singing it with one of landon's best friends, aaron.

the wedding is outside at the dallas arboretum -- beautiful!

i really love this song, and i haven't gotten to sing in public since ellie was born. in fact, my last special was probably when i was four or five months pregnant. also, i think it'll be super cool to sing a duet with aaron. he's an awesome musician.

but i'm scared! this isn't a church service and there will be another one next week. this is someone's wedding! it only happens once.

practice and prayer starts immediamente.

do it.

i know you have all looked. i know you have all read that i need some reassurance.

tell me you like the dress!

tell me i can lost two dress sizes by september.

or tell me you don't. and i can't.

just do what i told you to do, dang it. say something.

sheesh.

in case you wanna see the one i ordered, this is it. do you like it?

super great story.

i have no excuse not to get back into pre-pregnancy shape.

look at this girl.

i think that's such a cool story, but it makes me feel like a slacker. i'm impressed with myself when i've managed to take a shower and get a little bit of work done. wow.

on a related topic, i ordered a dress for scott and kelly's wedding. her inspiration is the photo at the bottom of this post-- we're all to find dusty pink/mauve-ish dresses of our own choosing. the reason my ordering the dress is related is because i ordered two sizes smaller than i would wear if the wedding was today.

i'm training for the 3-day, and the wedding is in september. i can drop two dress sizes by then, right?

someone please tell me that isn't completely insane... i can do that, right?

(oh please, God.)

beauty.

this is aulora and marina. aulora (in the hat) is the third of three belonging to john and lori - the youth pastors at landon's dad's church in san angelo. marina is the second of two belonging to tim and esther - members at landon's dad's church in san angelo. click the photo to make it large, and look at two of the most beautiful girls on the planet. their eyes! incredible.

tonight: this is my life.

• ellie just calmed after about an hour of unexplained, inconsolable crying.
  
• landon is ministering to a family friend on the phone. she's got a lot on her plate, and he is quoting scripture and encouraging her with the grace and humility of a true man of God. he is such a wonderful pastor.
• doc is eye-balling my macaroni.
• i just got done at a super boring pisd school board meeting.
• our apartment is hot. the people at the apartment said they checked it, and it's fine. it's not.
• the pregame show for the jazz/golden state game is playing.
• there is folded laundry all over the living room because my lovely husband did the laundry yesterday. the clothes haven't quite made their way to the dresser and closet yet. hmm...
• i'm amazed at the outpouring of support i've received after sending out my 3-day donation letter. the phone calls, emails, donations and in-person words of encouragment have been truly overwhelming.
• i miss david, delana, kylah and michael.
• my plants are thirsty.
• doc is still eyeing the macaroni.
• landon is still ministering.
• ellie is finally asleep.

for you to whom this means so much. you know who you are.

ta-da! it's framed and up in the office. well, office is generous. it's leaned against the gray cube wall, but let's not get too technical. the point is, it's not still in the envelope in the back pocket of the passenger seat in my car... what a great dad i have for sending me to college. :)

a whole three months old!

i can't believe my baby is three months old already. she smiles constantly, and she's so close to laughing. she babbles like crazy. especially in the morning when landon wants to sleep in. ha. her newest things are sucking on her hands, grabbing the back of her head and holding on to things. sometimes she grabs her pacifier and pulls it out of her mouth without meaning to. also lots of times she gets so excited to nurse that she pinches me. her hands are strong! she still loves her swing - being rocked is her favorite thing. she's not sleeping through the night yet, but is pretty consistent at making it five hours or so instead of just three. some day...

she's just the most amazing blessing. every word out of my mouth could be sent to the heavens in thanks for her, and they would not sufficiently express the waves of pure joy that overflow my heart with each moment she is alive. i am truly in awe.

ready for church on mother's day and her three-month birthday.


a bow switch.

how ellie calls me from her crib.

"i know you're there. why aren't you picking me up? i don't want to take pictures! i'm hungry!"

"i can't believe this, mommy! you're hurting my feelings. hurry!"

"i warned you... now i'm getting mad."

"you gotta be kidding! still taking pictures? i'm about to lose it...."

"PICK ME UP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

happy first mother's day to me!

my mother's day was awesome. i woke up to landon singing "happy mom's day to you" to the tune of happy birthday. then he brought me my present. i had no clue what it was, and, to be honest, i was expecting an ipod. i'd mentioned to him before that i wanted a printer, but i didn't figure he remembered. he's so sweet. after church we went to yummy lunch at rockfish. when i came home there was a really nice card from kayci on the door. then i went to get my nails done, bought some new makeup from origins (the cranberry fizz lipstick with wildflower gloss is so super great), bought new flat black shoes (adorable) and then ellie and i watched daddy play basketball. it was a great day.

digging in.

pre-opening with my sweet card.

it's a color printer, a scanner AND a copier! and i can hook my camera or cell phone up directly to print pictures. very cool.

my close up...

this is what ellie was doing during her mommy's first mother's day morning. not for long...

early mom's day.

saturday the whole family was together for my cousin anna's confirmation. we celebrated mother's day as well. it was a lovely time to say the least.

pretty anna.

beautiful roses my gramma gave me from her garden. i also got lots of sweet cards and super comfy slippers from my mama.

gramma opening scott and kelly's silly card. she loved it.

gramma reading our card -- a little more subdued...

mom opening her pink digital camera that we all gave her. scott and kelly also planted her a garden in the back of her new house. it looks so lovely. great idea by scott.

the front of the card i made for mom.

the inside...

...and the back.

photo shoot with aunt lolly.

heard this on the radio this morning. it's a good thing i hadn't put on my makeup yet.

the cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five.

waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"oh mommy please, mommy. can i have them? please, mommy, please?"

quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box, and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"a dollar ninety-five. that's almost $2. if you really want them, i'll think of some extra chores for you, and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. your birthday's only a week away, and you might get another crisp dollar bill from gandma."

as soon as jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. after dinner, she did more than her share of chores, and she went to the neighbor to ask mrs. mcjames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

on her birthday, grandma did give her another new dollar bill, and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

jenny loved her pearls. they made her feel dressed up and grown up. she wore them everywhere - sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. the only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

jenny had a very loving daddy, and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.

one night as he finished the story, he asked jenny, "do you love me?"

"oh yes, daddy. you know that i love you."

"then give me your pearls."

"oh, daddy, not my pearls. but you can have princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. remember, daddy? the one you gave me. she's my very favorite."'

"that's OK, honey, daddy loves you. good night." and he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

about a week later, after the story time, jenny's daddy asked again, "do you love me?"

"daddy, you know i love you."

"then give me your pearls."

"oh daddy, not my pearls. but you can have my baby doll. the brand new one i got for my birthday. she is beautiful, and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"that's OK. sleep well. God bless you, little one. daddy loves you." and as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

a few nights later when her daddy came in, jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed indian style. as he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling, and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"what is it, jenny? what's the matter?"

jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. with a little quiver, she finally said, "here, daddy, this is for you."

with tears gathering in his own eyes, jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet box with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to jenny. he had them all the time.

he was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

happy lots of things!

God has blessed the world with a truly beautiful mother's day. look outside! He loves us so much. it is evident by the sun that shines to light our lives and warm our skin. it is evident in my daughter's coos as she swings. it is evident in the sweet kisses and the rousing rendition of "happy mom's day to you!" i woke up to this morning. it is evident in my darling puppy who is racing around the house, just happy to be alive.

thank you, Lord, for such a wonderful existence. and to think that we have not even a fraction of the knowledge of how wonderful it will be when we are with You forever.

look forward to fun pictures of my mother's day present, what ellie looks like when she's calling me from her crib in the morning. and a celebratory post for ellie's three-month birthday. she's three months today!

"in Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my soul."

PRAISE BE TO THE MOST HIGH KING!

a pondering.

you remember how, a few days ago, i wrote about my poppy picture that landon gave me? and how it represents our love? well, landon is dying for a big-screen, HD, flat-panel, LCD, blah, blah, blah TV to hang on the wall. know where he wants to put it? over the fireplace. in place of the poppy picture.

what do you suppose that says about our love?

ay.

memories, in the corners of my mind.

i remember some time ago when my editor emailed me something at 5 a.m. i can't really remember why i looked at the time on the message, but i did, and i was completely agog. i could not believe that anyone was doing anything at 5 a.m.

oh, those were the days... so sweet and yet so far.

in the words of duane wade, "sexy..."

tonight.

gramie sue + my boppy = sleepy time.

loungin'.

i gave in and bought the onsie. it wasn't even on sale yet.

yo quiero a mi papa.