sad and frustrated.

so i've been back at work for almost two months now. i've been doing my best to pump so ellie can continue to have as much breastmilk as possible. even though i figured out the correct way to use my pump, i can't pump as much as she eats in a feeding. the machine is just not as efficient as her little sucker. this reality means i'm always behind on making milk for her even if i manage to pump every time she eats. i won't even start in on how difficult it is to pump with my job when a very small portion of my time is actually spent in an office. so that being said, ellie gets some formula. and i'm OK with that. before i went back to work, i would have started bawling if you would've told me my baby would be eating formula at three-and-half months old. i don't really know why. i just want to give her the best there is to give, and everyone knows that's breastmilk. but i've realized that life is what it is, and plenty of perfectly well-adjusted people drank formula as babies. it didn't kill them. i didn't have breastmilk after four months because mom had a similar pumping dilemma. here's what's making me sad now. while ellie will nurse beautifully in the middle of the night and at her first couple of feedings of the day, she's gotten to the point where she screams her little head off in hunger but refuses to nurse from about noon until bedtime. it varies from day-to-day, but i'm starting to see a pattern. i'm fairly certain it's because she's become used to the easy flow of the bottle (whether it's formula or breastmilk) when i'm away, and she gets mad at having to work too hard to get the milk from me. books and advice columns and most likely the lactation consultant, though i haven't contacted one, would tell me not to apease her with the bottle, but rather to stop, wait and try again in a little bit after she's calmed down. funny that these lovely book writers have babies that will cry for awhile, then get tired and stop. they don't know my ellie who will literally scream hysterically for hours on end if that's how long it takes for you to figure out how to get her what she wants. so, being unable to do anything but sit and slowly go crazy at the sound of screams of bloody murder, i make her a bottle of formula. yes, i could pump after i feed her that to keep up my supply. but then i'm basically sitting for two feedings back-to-back, and i'm supposed to be working! i don't know why she will nurse just fine in the middle of the night and in the morning, but then turns into a terror after that. i'm just really afraid it's going to compromise my milk supply, and i'm going to stop breastfeeding altogether. i love my job, but it's things like this that make me wish we would've been in a place for me to stay home for awhile. then she never would've gotten so used to the bottle.

i guess i'll go shower now. it's 2:48 p.m., and i haven't made it yet.

i'm sad.