So far.

If there were words, I would use them. So far, I have been rendered speechless, full of simultaneous peace and pain. There is so much, and I am so little.

And yet.

1 Corinthians 12:9

Hungry.

 

Driving into work this afternoon, I heard a Tenth Avenue North song talking about God being there in a variety of moments, and it included this line: "The times when you're hungry and tempted to steal..."

An involuntary, "Mmm..." escaped my lips.

I'm never physically hungry. Certainly not so that I'm tempted to steal food. Praise God for that.

But I hunger in different ways. And I "steal" from places I shouldn't to try to satiate that hunger. It's becoming more and more obvious that when I need rest or refilling, I steal. I shop or browse the internet mindlessly. I obsess about baby things or organizing a closet or homeschooling or any number of other things. I worry.

All of that ends up making my issues worse. I'm hungrier.

Someday, maybe I'll learn. Maybe I'll learn to seek nourishment from where it truly comes.

Knowing and doing... Two very different things.

Help me, Lord, to seek You first and to go with you with my areas of emptiness and lack. I need You to refill me so that I can be poured out again. There are lots of people -- little and big -- who are counting on my ability to count on You.

Seven months today.

love the henrys.

christmas 2011.

nearly every photo from christmas morning at my gramma's house is grainy, blurry & yellow. and yet, i am madly in love with every single one. my favorite is noticing the smiles of my family members in the background of photos of my children. how blessed am i.

music: "a marshmallow world" by brenda lee & "the first noel" by laura caviani

three little monkeys.

million dollar smile.

she quite literally has the world wrapped around her finger right now with this smile. we all go willingly.

grace.

i'm adding music to the old ipod shuffles we're filling for the kids for their christmas presents. i have ellie's full, and i'm testing it to be sure everything loaded. the second song to play is from this album, the one that played while i was in labor with lylah. a swirl of feelings come over me as i remember these peaceful lullabies laden with scripture playing the soundtrack to one of the hardest, most intense things i've ever done.

and i think of how God's grace is like that everyday: ever-present through our highest highs and our lowest lows.

HE IS NEVER ABSENT FROM US.

no. matter. what.

grace surrounds. always. a soundtrack to each breath, no matter how ragged or labored. He hears every cry.

a book recommendation on the topic (+ others): one thousand gifts. it will change your life.

don't touch the hurt.

it's black friday, and i'm feeling pretty melancholy. i'm not out shopping, though i have been perusing the internet a bit for christmas gifts. i've been decorating for christmas, no one has to work, my babies are napping beautifully on this cloudy day. thanksgiving leftovers abound, including nanny's to-die-for chocolate pie.

so what is it?

*****

grayson hurt his ankle on monday night while running around mamo's house with ellie and michael david. he has not walked since. he has bouts of fussiness, but he's been happy quite a bit, too. he crawls or scoots around, but has not walked a step since he hurt it. it took us awhile to figure out it was his ankle. he wasn't being specific about where it hurt, and there wasn't any noticeable bruising or swelling until yesterday when his little ankle started to turn black and blue.

while we were trying to figure out what was wrong, we would apply pressure in various places on his leg, turning his joints ever so slightly to gauge his reaction.

at one point, he said, "don't touch the hurt, mama!" before starting to cry.

i have to admit that before there was any visible injury, it was starting to drive me nuts that gray wouldn't walk. i couldn't see anything wrong, and he wasn't articulating the problem. understandable. he's three. nonetheless, i was frustrated.

and then, the Holy Spirit.

"see, child? you are like he."

and i see it. God reaches into my life, applying pressure, turning joints, and i scream out, "don't touch the hurt!" i don't want to go through the process of identifying the problem. i just want to cry. i want to be upset that my life is not perfect instead of going through the pains of healing it.

remaining bent and on my knees, crawling through days, seems easier than exploring the holdup, stretching out to walk.

but healing does not come without work, without risking momentary pain. stepping out with unsure footing is required.

luckily, Jesus is faithful to meet me. He catches me and sets me upright.

"then in their trouble they called to the Lord, and he saved them from their distress. He healed them with his command and saved them from the grave."
-psalm 107:19-20

*****

i think i'm sad today because no matter how much healing the Lord does, i will not be completely whole until i am in His presence. christmas commercials and even christmas music depict this magical happiness that should suddenly sprout forth because thanksgiving has passed. and i am certainly filled with joy at all the blessings that have been poured out on me. there are too many to count. but the perfection is not there. not yet. i'm still missing something. Someone.

someday His touch will reach every last ounce of hurt, brokenness, loneliness. crawling will not be an option, walking effortless.

no Christmas lights required.

until then, this bandaged soul limps on.

blue + blue + brown.

the backyard in fall.