"who put these stinkin' diapers in my diaper bag!"

last week sometime, ellie decided it was complete ridiculousness to have diapers in her diaper bag. i am cracking up on this video because this was literally the fifth time i'd picked them up and put them back in the bag. every time she threw them out like this. i was in stitches. and she doesn't throw everything out! once the diapers were out, she was OK with everything else. SO funny. had to share...

God's latest masterpiece.

casen david on his birth day.

i did go back to see crystal yesterday around 5 p.m. i'll let her explain it, but we'll just say she had some adventures. oh, the joys of birthing children! luckily, she is doing fine now. i was going to see her after church again, but i got a text at 8:30 p.m. that said she was going to bed. what!? she couldn't be tired or anything! sheesh... i did hear that casen nursed well yesterday so that's exciting.

bottom line: i do believe another miracle of God has been a complete and utter success.

casen is here!

i don't have pictures yet, but casen david blessed the world with his presence today around 12:20 p.m. he was 8 lbs. 2.5 ozs. and 20.5 inches long. he has BLACK hair, and he's just perfect. his mama and daddy are also doing great. i went to see crystal at around 11:15 this morning, and she was dilated to a 5. about 45 minutes later, the nurse came to check her and said she was a 10! i was completely amazed. for a woman who took four hours to get from a 5 to a 10 - and thought that was quick, considering a 15-hour labor - i was floored. but also totally excited to get to meet casen so quickly.

i'll update when i go back to see crystal later this afternoon.

praise the Lord for a healthy, beautiful baby!

official.

go here to read.

it's on the front page of the paper today too.

the parable of the talents.

on sunday, my father-in-law preached on the parable of the talents. i'm sure you know of it, but it has to do with a story in matthew 25 that Jesus told about a master who entrusted his servants with his property. he gave each a portion, though they were unequal. the two to whom the master gave more than one talent, were diligent with their borrowed gifts and multiplied them. the one to whom the master gave one, hid his talent for fear he would lose it.

i know you've probably grown tired of posts regarding my employment situation, but the sermon struck a chord with me. i have been half-heartedly pursuing a couple avenues for the earning of income and, more importantly, using my one God-given talent. but, up to now, it hasn't really seemed like anything was working. i live in a small town, with one newspaper, which happens to be on a hiring freeze, and the other possibility (ahem! asu) is apparently not at all interested. though neither possibilty has been entirely squelched, neither one has really just appeared in my face as the answer to all my problems.

but i realized sunday, that when it comes down to it, i have really been hiding my one talent - burying it and worrying that i will lose it. i haven't been waking up each day, asking God for direction and using the talent in any way with which i can come up. i have been wallowing in the fact that i can't find any "suitable" place to use it.

that's me missing it, big time.

my talent was not made only for newspapers. or even paying employment opportunities. my talent was made by and gifted to me by the Creator of the universe. He can help me to use my talent in unfathomable ways if i would just cradle it gently in my hands, look up determinedly to the heavens and ask, "what should i do today, Lord?" when it comes down to it, HE owns my talent. and who am i to limit what He can do with His creation?

so... yesterday, i actively sought a way to use my talent. and the Lord provided a way. i was hired to freelance an article.

i don't think i could explain to you the satisfaction - the sense of purpose - i've felt today while working on the story. it was covered in prayer, and it is obvious the Lord answered. all the research worked out perfectly. everyone involved was helpful, friendly and really a downright blessing to deal with.

i know more opportunities would present themselves if i spent less time moping and more time seeking.

david said on sunday that your talent will not be increased -- it will even be taken away -- if you do not tend to it and work to improve it.

"his master replied, 'you wicked, lazy servant! so you knew that i harvest where i have not sown and gather where i have not scattered seed? well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when i returned i would have received it back with interest. take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents.' for everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. and throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." (matthew 25:26-30)

i often find myself thinking, "i am only so-so at this. there are a million people who are better than me. i'm never going to do anything great with this." this thought clashes brutally with the large-scale dream God has given me in relation to my one talent. there is no way i can accomplish that dream without growing the talent i already have.

what's more, i really don't want weeping and gnashing of teeth.

so i suppose the best option here is to have faith and invest my talent, even though it is weak and underdeveloped. if i don't, at the very best, it will stay that way. more likely, it will disappear, gone forever to one who is brave enough to use it properly.

i want to please Him. i want Him to have my life as a tool to display His ever-perfect, neverending promise of faithfulness.

make miracles in my life, Lord. increase this talent that is already Yours.

and use me to do it.

wendy.

i need to know wendy's blog address. she does not have it listed on her profile, i always see her comments on others' pages, and i really wanna read her blog!

thanks.

monday morning musings, part II.

landon wants surprise baby no. 2 to be a surprise.

yes, you read that right. he doesn't want to find out whether it's a boy or girl. his sister and his mother are convinced he can't be serious. i think he is. even if i do think it's a ploy to drive everyone else nuts and keep us all from buying every baby thing in san angelo, san antonio, dallas and everywhere in between.

i realize that i'm being prematurely analytical about the situation. that's just how i roll.

but let's say landon sticks to his guns, and we don't find out until baby 2 makes his/her appearance. we'll still have to get some things. and regardless of that decision, we have been in discussions about the sleeping arrangements.

see, we were really excited about having a third bedroom for guests/office/crafts. also, the guest room is massive compared to ellie's room - too big for a tiny baby nursery, i think. we can't decide if we should move ellie in there and have the smaller room, which is also the middle room of the three rooms (closer to ours than that big room), for the baby. or if we should move ellie to the other room and then she and the new baby could share and keep the middle room for a guests/office/crafts -- this would only work if the new baby was a girl. or, which is sorta what i'm leaning toward, should we get something the baby could sleep in in our room for awhile while we feel things out. this is especially attractive for two reasons: 1.) if we don't know whether it's a boy or a girl, we can't decorate a nursery properly and 2.) the baby is due in august. our lease ends in november. we have contemplated buying a house after this lease up. i don't want to decorate a nursery and then move three months later.

so... there you have my contemplation about baby sleeping arrangments.

here are some bassinets/cradles/moses baskets i like for the sleeping-in-our-room option. the last one is absolutely, by-a-long-shot, my most favorite. it is also the most expensive. of course. but maybe, if it's a surprise, we won't be buying as much all along so we could afford to save for that bassinet.

thoughts?

monday morning musings, part I.

there are two things dominating the swirl of thoughts in my head this morning. in this post, we will address the first one: ellie's birthday party.

late saturday night, i had a breakthrough on her invitations. i'd been trying and trying to get them to look the way i wanted, but i didn't really know what i wanted so that wasn't going well. i have tons of paper left over from her birth announcements and since i'm using a valentine's theme, i was trying very hard to come up with a design i could pull off without buying anything. i have tons of stuff, but i couldn't make it work for some reason. but... late saturday night, mission (almost) accomplished! the only thing i had to buy was pink glitter glue. i went to target yesterday (hobby lobby is closed on sundays..) on the off chance they would have something. THEY HAVE PINK GLITTER GLUE IN THE DOLLAR SPOT!!! i was so excited. obviously. so... i'm making ellie's invitations for $4 plus the cost of postage. sweetness.

i have gotten quite a few things from target, as a matter of fact. they have lots of cute valentine stuff in the dollar spot including little metal buckets i'm going to fill with valentine candy, glittery banners that say "love" or "xoxo," sparkly stickers and pencils for prizes, scrapbook paper (12 sheets for $1!) that i'm going to punch hearts out of for decoration, etc. etc. the store also has really cute valentine's stuff that isn't in the dollar spot. particularly, these melamine plates and trays and cups that have adorable cupcakes on them that say "sweetie pie." they are $1.99 each or i'd buy them for the whole party. instead, i got one for the birthday girl. i also got a red picture frame that has the cupcake on it. i'm going to use it to display a super cute picture of ellie at the party.

i'm still debating whether to have cupcakes made or just make them myself, though i am leaning toward making them myself. more budget conscious, you know. regardless, i want them to be vanilla cake with pink icing topped with x's and o's.

so all i have left to buy are snacks and drinks (maybe a valentine punch?) for the guests, paper plates and napkins for everyone besides ellie and the ingredients for the cupcakes if i'm going to make them. (would i be a terrible person to make her first birthday cupcakes from a box?)

i think i'm doing OK... i also have several ideas for games/activities that i don't wanna post 'cause i want them to be a surprise!

let me know if you can think of anything i'm forgetting..

planning a birthday party is fun.

sonogram update.

first and foremost, the baby is healthy. perfect, actually.

second and also quite important, you read that "the" correctly. there is ONE baby!

the reason this post was delayed is because the sonogram tech didn't tell me a single thing.

except for the fact that my bladder wasn't all the way full. i managed to not kill him or pee all over him though i would've liked to have done both because my bladder was most definitely full. fixin to pop is an accurate description.

apparently, when you have an outpatient sonogram like that, the techs aren't supposed to tell you anything. and he followed that rule, by golly. it made the bladder explosion that much more imminent because i didn't have any sweet baby facts to distract me. landon was doing his best by holding my hand real tight. i know my cringing face must have been awful. i've never had to pee so bad in all my life. and then the pressing on the bladder took me to the very brink.

we did see our baby though. two arms. two legs. one head. when i had a sonogram with ellie at about 6.5 weeks, all we could see was a dot with a heartbeat. three-and-a-half weeks later with this one, and we could see limbs. pretty cool. we also heard his heartbeat, but we weren't told the rate.

until this morning... when the doctor called to say everything looks great. the heart rate was 163, and i'm measuring 9 weeks and 3 days. that's about 4 days less than what i really was yesterday -- 10 weeks.

so.. all is well. i didn't get a picture, or i would scan it in for you. i was scheduled to have a sonogram at 12 weeks at my first ob appointment. hopefully this one didn't take the place. 'cause i really want a picture.

scrapbook, hello?!?!

thank you, Jesus for a healthy, beautiful baby growing inside me. what a tremendous gift.

a couple exciting pieces of news.

1.) i have a charger, and my phone is fully loaded with battery juice. i am awaiting your phone calls... (angela.) i know you've all been desperately trying to call for the past week. (angela.) i'm here to tell you your agony has ended.

2.) i'm going to see my baby's heartbeat today.

through a series of routine, albeit uncomfortable, procedures and a 6-hour stint at the shannon emergency room on thursday, it was determined that i should be scheduled for an outpatient sonogram today at 2:30 p.m. - a little more than two weeks before my regularly scheduled sonogram in the doctor's office.

see, i've had a bladder infection coming and going for about a month. i finally called the doctor on monday. yes, my mom has already chastised me for waiting that long. the doctor couldn't get me in for nearly a week-and-a-half, but the nurse felt i needed to be seen. (what's 10 more days after a month?) she told me to go to the er. so i went.

i waited for three hours hours in the waiting room, which, if you've never done this, you totally should. the people watching is phenomenal. i mean, don't do it unless you have a bladder infection that really isn't all that bad. don't go if you have sick children who are screaming and in pain. that's what everyone else does. and i don't think they get to watch the people all that much.

i finally got called in to a room where they told me to get naked (in so many words..) and wait some more. a nurse-looking lady came in, listened to my heartbeat and told me i'd be there for another three hours. awesome. then a very german-named doctor came in and pushed on my tummy. i almost peed my pants. it doesn't take much these days. then another nurse came in, and i had a catheter and had several viles of blood taken. then i waited. they came back an hour later and said, "you have a bladder infection."

"uh. thanks. i know."

they gave me a perscription for an antibiotic and told me i was scheduled for this sonogram.

that brings us to today. today i will see my baby's heartbeat.

i woke up several times last night and stayed awake for 30 minutes or so. i was praying for mari, who, if you didn't know, had her baby late yesterday evening. she was in labor all day, and, due to the late hour, all i heard was the baby was born. i'm not sure how big she is or what time it was exactly. anyway, i was praying for mari and that the baby was nursing well.

and i was thinking about this sonogram. see, i've been having lots of dreams about twins. i know that can't possibly be true. landon may very well move to timbuktu if that is the case, and i kinda need him.

so i'm excited to know for sure there's only ONE baby inside.

right, Lord?

only ONE baby...

a bad idea.

it is a bad idea to make a cake -- a whole 9 x 13 pan of cake, thick with pink vanilla frosting and sprinkles -- when you are the only one in the house who will eat it.

you can't even keep it as your own little secret, 'cause your husband can look and see just how much cake you've consumed while he was at work.

insomnia.

it's 2:23 a.m., and i'm awake.

for some reason, i can't sleep. and i've been sitting at this computer since midnight, feeling sorta sad. the middle of the night is just depressing. even if i shouldn't be able to think of specific reasons to be sad or depressed, i can in the middle of the night.

i was about to give up and go to bed a little while ago - i had looked and looked again at every website i could come up with and googled several ridiculous combinations of words related to pregnancy - when i came upon this.

i realize the topics of most of these segments are fodder for intense political debate. but disregarding the fact that i don't even know exactly where i stand on several of them, i have one clarity after watching and listening to these heartbreaking vignettes.

that is that i have more to be thankful about than one woman could ever hope for in her lifetime.

it's as simple as that. my home is safe and rent is being paid, my baby is asleep and healthy, another grows warm in my belly and my loving, precious husband makes it his duty to provide for us and love us as well as win souls for the kingdom.

my heart breaks for those who endure suffering as do those in the story. i can never claim to understand their pain, but i do know Who does.

tonight, amid bountiful praises for the gifts in my life, i pray for them.

at the risk of sounding terrible, it seems almost silly to pray for their comfort. shallow. cruel even. like it's impossible.

but it can't be. God specializes in big things, right? He doesn't just soothe my silly emotional pains, right? He doesn't just encourage me that i can be a better wife and friend, right?

He died for the most despicable of sins, right? He was bruised and bled for the most horrible of ravaging diseases, right?

"come to Me, ALL you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

a simple "help them" is all i know to say.

help them, Lord.

and thank You so much.

we've started the 30-day countdown. she's 11-months-old.

this month ellie claire walked. just in the past couple days, she has started taking steps without being coaxed by another person. she's supposed to be walking down the aisle at matt and mandy's wedding in april, and i think she's on pace. she had her first christmas and found out she's having a baby brother or sister. she still dances. she still only has two teeth. she is talking up a storm. we're convinced she's saying "dog!" and "no!" in her baby language. she really does talk with all kinds of inflection and emotion ALL the time. it's hysterical. she blows kisses and gives them. she points at things she wants or wants you to look at. she went to her first birthday party (faith's), and she plays patty-cake perfectly. she eats everything in sight. the only things she doesn't like are scrambled eggs and frosted mini wheats, that we know of. she's been alive in two different years. she loves her bath time and getting into everything she isn't supposed to. for the past four nights, she's gone to bed without her swing. she's ticklish everywhere, especially her hammies (just like uncle scott). she has a big-girl car seat. she still loves praise baby and being outside.

i can't believe she's almost one. one! the next time i post one of these, she will have cake smeared from head to toe.

the last nine pictures, yes, nine, are from today - her birthday.

the rest of from her 11th month.

ellie claire, i cannot believe the beauty you are growing into right before my eyes. you personality is blossoming like a most-beautiful flower. you are smart, charming, hilarious and you have stolen the heart from my very chest. i love you so much. i am so proud of you.

love, your mommy

i should've known better.

yesterday, i said i believed the morning sickness has been letting up.

please, oh-god-of-super-hilarious-irony, forgive me.

it was just the calm before the storm.

i have been overwhelmingly nauseous for three straight days. like, all day. as in, sit-down-every-five-minutes-cause-if-you-don't-you-will-puke nauseous.

i didn't have anything like this with ellie. in my second trimester, i was super sensitive to smells, and that would sometimes make me feel sorta woozy. but not this.

and i'm not a fan.

so. make it stop. ahora.

scrape my heart out with a spoon.

slow but determined, tony romo and the cowboys have left me gutless.

i have no extended comments. just that i don't want to analyze it, discuss it, wonder about it or anything else for awhile.

i ESPECIALLY don't want to bring up how romo was in cabo with jessica-freakin-simpson last weekend.

somebody find me dirk. and several shots of (virgin) tequila.

feeling pregnant already.

here's to our first positive pregnancy post.

i'm having a much better day today than yesterday.

the hormones are surging the other direction it appears. plus i got my christmas decorations taken down. better late than never, i always say.

besides the hormones, slight nausea (though it's getting better...i think) and sleepiness, i swear my belly is poking out already. i mean, let's face it. the thing has been poking out since the last one was born (or before...), but i think it's looking more...pregnant. it's getting harder. i feel flutters. obviously not from the baby, but from my uterus growing and all. it's pretty cool.

and one thing has been happening in the past three days that i distinctly remember from last time: heartburn.

blah. i don't remember it happening at 9 weeks, for heavens sake. but it's started. water gives me heartburn while i'm pregnant. lovely.

oh. this was supposed to be positive, wasn't it?

just imagine a smile on my face while i type this...

i can't believe i'm having another kid! holy crap!

cade and ellie: cooking up a storm.

this is my friend penny's son, cade. we had dinner with them last weekend when we were in dallas. cade and ellie play so well together. except when ellie hits cade over the head with his own toys and he cries...

aren't they cute?!

sleeping experiment night 1: a success.

since ellie stopped nursing herself to sleep (at about 3 months), she has been falling asleep in her swing. she falls asleep there, and then, once she's good and crashed, we move her to her bed where she sleeps all night.

this has been a fine plan except that her head is now near hitting the metal bar that actually swings the thing. and, even turned all the way up with full battery strength, well, let's just say the swing doesn't swing quite as enthusiastically as it used to. i can almost her it groaning under at-least-25-pound body.

i knew the day would come when there would be no way she could fit in that swing. we haven't been able to try this experiment until last night because we've been at david and delana's so late every night. (they have cable.) she falls asleep in the swing there, and we bring her home, put her in her bed at midnight or 1 a.m.

last night, i came right home from church at 9.

i decided i was going to put ellie directly into her bed, and that i would let her cry for 10 minutes before i made her a bottle.

i literally set the timer because, if you are parent, you know that a kid's crying for 1 minute often seems like 10. amid sobbing, we enter a time warp.

she cried for 9 minutes.

score!

but after about 4 or 5 more, she started again. so i made her a bottle. it was 8 ounces (she usually only drinks that much once in the morning), and she destroyed it. she really was hungry.

after her bottle, she fussed a little, but way less enthusiastically than she had in the first 9 minutes. she was laying down in her crib wimpering instead of standing at the end of it yelling.

i walked in quietly, took her completely drained bottle and gave her the paci.

not another peep until 9:35 this morning.

now i just have to figure out what to do about nap time.

yes, she takes naps in her swing too....

i have no excuse.

you gotta be kidding with this woman.

afghanistan?!

i couldn't manage it 30 minutes down the road with a super flexible schedule and absolutely no "air force captain" or "deployment" attached to my name.

dang.

i am in awe.

untitled.

i always find myself writing blogs here about things that bother me, hurt me or stress me out.

then i always end them with something like, "i know God will work it out!!!"

and i do know that. i do. but this blog, i'm warning you in advance, is not going to end that way.

God's OK with me just being stressed out, right?

truth is, i'm feeling depressed. i think it's 'cause i need a job. it's either that or the fact that i'm having another baby.

yep. do the double take. is your neck alright? you read that right. i'm 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

i think most of you who are reading this already know that. if you don't, now you do.

being pregnant adds more stress to the job situation. 'cause if i did get a job offer (that asu one is STILL pending... there are no more words), should i tell them before they hire me that i'm pregnant? or wait until i'm in and say, "uh.. oh yeah, i'm gonna be needing a few weeks off in about 7 months."

i don't want to be dishonest, but i also don't want to ruin my chances of getting a job.

**insert "God has it handled" reference here and some things about doors and windows opening and closing**

so... pregnant. nauseous and tired. i never was nauseous with ellie, but i remember being a lot more tired. i've told several people that i think that's because tired has a new definition after having one child.

if you haven't guessed from the tone, this was not planned. i'll save you the specific details of how it ended up, but it wasn't on purpose. believe me. something about a lack of money, a lack of thinking and a large amount of fertility.

i've given myself several pep talks about this. saying, "i'm not going to act depressed or upset or anything less than thrilled. i don't want people to remember that i was pissed about this pregnancy."

i'm doing well, aren't i?

i did order these super cute tickets that announce that ellie is going to be a big sister. and i'm reading a journal my friend amy gave me to find out what's happening with my baby every day.

OK.. some days i'm not totally depressed. most days i'm not, actually. i think it will be good for these two to be so close together (18 months...). hopefully we'll avoid much jealousy, and they'll just have always been. together. you know. and of course the thought of bringing a new life into the world and cradling him (wishful thinking here...) to sleep is a wonderful one.

but my current baby is still just a baby. and i'm still fat from her. and... i have no job. no insurance.

landon is...well...sorta the same as me. though i think for different reasons. he doesn't feel prepared for another baby. he didn't feel prepared for ellie, and i think he was looking forward to at least feeling a smidge more prepared for this one.

**insert "you're never prepared" comment here. and something about "you weren't a surprise to God."**

i'm sorry for the cynicism. i really am. it's just that in this moment, i am cynical. the thought of a pregnancy different from the last one makes me scared for some reason. my memory and knowledge of child bearing is going to change. and lots of change is just hurting my feelings right now. i won't be pregnant with amy and penny and kelly. i won't have the baby at medical center of plano. dr. ferrara won't be my doctor. landon won't come to every appointment. insurance statements from humana won't come in the mail. i won't be the fattest pregnant in the winter.

the baby is due in august. august. AUGUST!!!!!! that means month seven is june. month eight is july. and month nine is august.

deep breaths... in and out...

i'll try swearing now that i won't wear maternity shorts. but i bet i do. i'll try to stay holed up in my house in those unfortunate times. for the sake of the town of san angelo and those who dare to cross its borders this summer.

i'm not feeling an end to this. so i better force it. i have a lot of laundry to do, and ellie's probably going to be up from her nap soon. i will have missed my golden opportunity to shower.

whiney post ends....now.

wait...one more thing.

the age old question for second-time mothers-to-be....do i have room in my heart to love another as much as i love the first?

i'm scared.

regarding that last post...HURRY!

we really need a doctor.

my kid just ate dog food.

delana found her in the laundry room handing one piece to each of the dogs, and then having one for herself.

"one for you, one for me..."

we just fished them out of her mouth, and she got very angry with us.

the only thing that would appease her was animal crackers.

doctor. asap. before something terrible happens. like my kid swallows dog food.

pediatrician.

calling all mommies,

yes, i have lived here since nov. 9.

yes, that has been oh-so-close to two months.

no, i haven't taken my nearly-11-month-old baby to the doctor yet.

(wanna fight me for the worst mother award, jenny?)

i need referrals here people.

and if you've ever paid for a well-baby visit without insurance, that'd be even better. 'cause then you could tell me how much this is gonna set me back.

much obliged in advance,

seph