Aiming for progress, not perfection.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

untitled.

i always find myself writing blogs here about things that bother me, hurt me or stress me out.

then i always end them with something like, "i know God will work it out!!!"

and i do know that. i do. but this blog, i'm warning you in advance, is not going to end that way.

God's OK with me just being stressed out, right?

truth is, i'm feeling depressed. i think it's 'cause i need a job. it's either that or the fact that i'm having another baby.

yep. do the double take. is your neck alright? you read that right. i'm 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

i think most of you who are reading this already know that. if you don't, now you do.

being pregnant adds more stress to the job situation. 'cause if i did get a job offer (that asu one is STILL pending... there are no more words), should i tell them before they hire me that i'm pregnant? or wait until i'm in and say, "uh.. oh yeah, i'm gonna be needing a few weeks off in about 7 months."

i don't want to be dishonest, but i also don't want to ruin my chances of getting a job.

**insert "God has it handled" reference here and some things about doors and windows opening and closing**

so... pregnant. nauseous and tired. i never was nauseous with ellie, but i remember being a lot more tired. i've told several people that i think that's because tired has a new definition after having one child.

if you haven't guessed from the tone, this was not planned. i'll save you the specific details of how it ended up, but it wasn't on purpose. believe me. something about a lack of money, a lack of thinking and a large amount of fertility.

i've given myself several pep talks about this. saying, "i'm not going to act depressed or upset or anything less than thrilled. i don't want people to remember that i was pissed about this pregnancy."

i'm doing well, aren't i?

i did order these super cute tickets that announce that ellie is going to be a big sister. and i'm reading a journal my friend amy gave me to find out what's happening with my baby every day.

OK.. some days i'm not totally depressed. most days i'm not, actually. i think it will be good for these two to be so close together (18 months...). hopefully we'll avoid much jealousy, and they'll just have always been. together. you know. and of course the thought of bringing a new life into the world and cradling him (wishful thinking here...) to sleep is a wonderful one.

but my current baby is still just a baby. and i'm still fat from her. and... i have no job. no insurance.

landon is...well...sorta the same as me. though i think for different reasons. he doesn't feel prepared for another baby. he didn't feel prepared for ellie, and i think he was looking forward to at least feeling a smidge more prepared for this one.

**insert "you're never prepared" comment here. and something about "you weren't a surprise to God."**

i'm sorry for the cynicism. i really am. it's just that in this moment, i am cynical. the thought of a pregnancy different from the last one makes me scared for some reason. my memory and knowledge of child bearing is going to change. and lots of change is just hurting my feelings right now. i won't be pregnant with amy and penny and kelly. i won't have the baby at medical center of plano. dr. ferrara won't be my doctor. landon won't come to every appointment. insurance statements from humana won't come in the mail. i won't be the fattest pregnant in the winter.

the baby is due in august. august. AUGUST!!!!!! that means month seven is june. month eight is july. and month nine is august.

deep breaths... in and out...

i'll try swearing now that i won't wear maternity shorts. but i bet i do. i'll try to stay holed up in my house in those unfortunate times. for the sake of the town of san angelo and those who dare to cross its borders this summer.

i'm not feeling an end to this. so i better force it. i have a lot of laundry to do, and ellie's probably going to be up from her nap soon. i will have missed my golden opportunity to shower.

whiney post ends....now.

wait...one more thing.

the age old question for second-time mothers-to-be....do i have room in my heart to love another as much as i love the first?

i'm scared.

7 comments:

La said...

Been there, felt this.....a couple of times, in fact. =) It does all come together though. Your feelings will change soon enough. In the meantime, just keep on loving on that Ellie girl.

Meems said...

Just do what the rest of us do, go into a denial for the next 7 months.

Kidding, of course. Hang in their. I know it feels lonely right now, but it will come together.

crys said...

right there with you, friend, and i'm 8 months pregnant! i'm scared out of my mind!

my ONLY comfort is all those "God inserts".

ree said...

1. I didn't know!!!!!
2. I loved the "enter comments here" lines...very funny.
3. I'm so happy for you!!! I know you're bummed, but for now I'll just be happy enough for the both of us!
4. I won't be here in August....:(

Amy said...

Congrats! What a joy Ellie Bell is! I can't wait to see what beautiful creation You and Landon give us next! I am praying for you and your family. Oh and God does have it all in His hands and will guide you every step of the way. I once read something that a special girl wrote...

"God does provide in limitless, miraculous ways..."

Remember that, and hold it close...I love you.

Pam said...

I know that it is so scary right now but I promise your heart has room. I think every parent experiences the fear of loving additional children a much as the first. No doubt that these two will be different but they will show you so much in different ways.
I promise, promise that can and will love this new baby just as much as you love Ellie, even if in a different way. But don't stress out about it now. Things will fall into place.

Also regarding the insurance issue. I also didn't have insurance when pregnant with my girls. I can guide you on some ideas if you would like.

Hang in there :)

Adam said...

First of all congrats to both of you although you probably don't think its such a great deal now. MaKayla wasn't planned and I certainly wasn't ready (ask Landon) but without her life would be meaningless. I wasn't sure after her that I wanted anymore kids, but Pam did and I went along with it. I was sure I wouldn't love the second child like the first and was scared I wouldn't be the same Dad and I was right. I loved that baby girl in a new and different way. She filled my life with even more joy. I could never love them both the same way because they are both different, but I ended up loving them both more than I knew I could. Don't focus on all the "what ifs" and "how can we's" those will always be there. Instead try to see the beauty of what is happening, you only have one life, live with no regrets. I love you guys I know it will all be great.