nervous.

somehow, the most wonderful maggie compelled me to agree to host the dessert course of the couples' progressive dinner at my house next weekend.

i'm going to try my best to appear organized and homemakerish.

pray for me.

conglomeration.

• it seems i have never, in my adult life, lived somewhere that heating and cooling was evenly distributed. this house is no exception. what the heck? it was 14-below in my bathroom this morning. there is no vent. only one of those super scary old wall gas heater thingymabobbers.
• in the past three days i have given myself two amazingly impressive bruises. one is on my right arm where i walked into this huge metal stick poking out of a pickup truck bed in the walmart parking lot. jerk. the other is on the top of my right foot where i attempted to soften the landing of a heavy glass lid that was cascading its way to my hard kitchen floor while my baby was asleep earlier this afternoon. oh, the sacrifice.
• decorating for christmas is becoming more and more expensive. and more and more fun!
• i keep my the vertical blinds to my backyard closed at all times. i think my backyard is horrendously ugly.
• yesterday i was singing christmas carols to ellie. she only likes the fast ones. no 'silent night' or 'have yourself a merry little christmas' for this girl. she does, however, love 'deck the halls.' so much so that during the 'fa la la la la la' part, she put her hands and feet on the ground with her butt up in the air and shook it rap-guy's-girlfriend style. like, for a long time! should i be worried?
• if anyone saw me at home alone with my kid, they'd think i was clinically insane. even landon.
• i burst into tears while watching ellie's ge slideshow (see link below) and cried the whole time.
• i love the little scrunchy sound of ellie chewing cherrios.
• i just made envelopes out of a paper source catalogue. the paper is super thick and cool, but is it any question...
• i need a job!
  

nine-month photos from ge.

check them out. if you're like me, you'll need a tissue. oh, well, maybe that's just 'cause i'm her mama.

same as before, these don't work on a mac. find a pc, and OK the plugin download.

pretty baby... some of these are also in the gallery section under "babies" on the great expectations homepage. if you're on a mac, at least you could see those.

ellie decorates her first christmas tree.

she's in the pink shirt during the day. it took me ALL day to wrap lights. there are either 800 or 900 lights (i lost count) on this six-foot baby. she's in the red christmas shirt tonight after all the lights were done. pa and grama and uncle lennon and aunt christal were over to witness the first ornament hanging by ellie. it was magical. after three ornaments, she needed to go to sleep so landon and i finished decorating. typical.

enjoy...

wanted: a pre-lit christmas tree.

ugh.

ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.

i hate putting the lights on the christmas tree. it's unfortunate how it nearly depletes any inkling of my previously jolly christmas mood. i'm trying to get them done while ellie is napping, and later tonight we're going to hang ornaments.

it's not going well so far. also, i think i'm going to run out of lights. i started the bottom two layers beautifully -- too beautifully, i think. the lights are thicker than i normally do them so i'm going to have to buy more lights. that and i used one strand on the mantle. which, by the way, is lovely and was all fun to do.

oh, well. it's worth it.

we're using the same $50 tree that landon and i have had since our first married christmas. it's a decent little tree. besides the fact that, well, it's too short for this house, the branches are sort of sparse and the bottom five layers are the kind that you attach branch-by-branch.

yeah.

and...IT'S UNLIT!!

those $399 trees at hobby lobby are looking really tempting right about now.

you don't think our landlord would mind if we only paid half our rent in december, do you?

white walls and plastic towel bars.

i brought her home in a tiny bundle. she had on so many layers. holding her without knowing, she seemed three times as big as she was. it was so cold. much colder than today. i can remember unwrapping her, layer-by-layer. there she was. three days old. in her new purple room. it was there i nursed her. and there i stopped nursing her. it was there i got up three times a night. and there i checked on her when she started sleeping through the night. she rolled over there, sat up there, smiled there, laughed there, crawled there and stood there. she will never be there again.

tomorrow morning we'll turn in our keys to our apartment in plano. we cleaned the heck out of it this afternoon, and it sparkles. ellie's purple room is no more. i walked through each room slowly before i locked it for the last time. it's just a little apartment. nothing special. white walls and plastic towel bars.

it's so weird how places hold such meaning. the places themselves are nothing. just empty rooms. but they're so important to us - the backdrop of every picture catalogued in our minds.

it was sad, but i'm ready to go home. yes, home. san angelo is home now. it hasn't felt like it so much this month. i've felt like we've been on vacation. but when we go back this time, landon starts work and it will feel more like normal.

at least i'm banking on that.

we have beige walls in san angelo. and the towel bars are porcelain, i do believe.

fancy upgrade, huh...

tonight i'm praying that the Lord has other upgrades planned for us in our new home. i pray that He tears down my white walls and allows His grace, love and mercy to flow freely through me. i pray He snaps my plastic towel bars and urges me to reach out to others and show them the amazing things of which He is capable.

build me a new backdrop, Lord.

i am ready.

so angela hates me. and other random thoughts.

do you see how late it is? it's 1:17 a.m. i'm in dallas. yes, i did get to go to the cowboys game yesterday with my honey. yes, you should be jealous. or, if you wish, hate me as angela does. though i will tell you that i had to dance with the cheerleaders to stay warm. it was stinkin cold. oh, my goodness. i made a very poor choice in footwear, and it is a miracle i still have all my toes. i saw kelly clarkson. i saw touchdowns by t.o. i saw rain and sleet and my handsome husband in a hat. he tried his best to keep me warm. the couple times he went to the bathroom it was markedly colder. his presence does keep me warm.

i'm feelin nostalgic tonight. i'm not sure if it's because i hung out with some old friends. or because i miss 45 mph speed limits. or because i miss seeing cars pouring into american airlines center for stars and mavs games. or because i miss my dallas radio stations. or because i'm realizing how far i have to go to become the person i'm called to be. sometimes i miss the days when i didn't realize how far i have to go.

i think it's the last one. i have so far. it seems an insurmountable gap. i fail over and over. in small things. in large things. i fail as a mother. a wife. a friend. i don't deserve the blessings that abound in my life. i continue to disappoint. and it breaks my heart. but i do it anyway. and it's never worth it. what seems in a moment worth it never is. a bad attitude. a rash action. a harsh word. i immediately regret.

i am the recipient of forgiveness undeserved. for that i am thankful. i don't know what i did to be so lucky. but i am. somehow those closest to me give me chance after chance after i do those things that disappoint them. it's overwhelmeing to think about, really.

there's this song by jodee messina. it's called silver thunderbird. it reminds me of my daddy. "the man with the plan and a pocket comb." "got up every morning while i was still asleep. i remember the sound of him shuffling around. right before the crack of dawn, is when i heard him turn his motor on. and when i got up they were gone. down the road in the rain and snow, the man and his machine would go. oh, the secrets that old car would know."

sorry. more nostalgia for you.

nostalgia is such a difficult emotion that i am all too familiar with. i suppose everyone is. change is constant. so nostalgia should be the same.

i guess the cure is a window into the future. the hope that the best is still in front of us. those things that we long for most are not what is behind. they are ahead.

tonight i'll choose to focus there.

and hope angela doesn't hate me forever. at least i didn't get tickets to the green bay game, ang... it could be worse, right?

christmas traditions.

i'm sorta slow on this one, but i've been letting it marinate in my mind.

i've been in the christmas mood lately. i started looking for presents and making my list. i have to make a list (with prices) first before i buy. it helps keep me organized so everyone gets something, and i don't blow the budget too bad. also we (as in me, delana and kylah) have purchased a few christmas cds in the past couple of days. listening to that music combined with the fact that i took the liberty of breaking out some of the christmas decorations, has readied me for the tradition post. (side note: one tradition i really want to start this year is making peppermint ice cream. yum!)

• sticky buns on christmas morning and all the kids picking the pecans off.
• grapefruit ice on christmas morning.
• excitement over stockings. we can open stockings before everyone wakes up. no presents until everyone has their coffee and contacts. but stockings? as early as you can stand.
• the wooden deer in the front yard. i think everyone else's have warped or broken or something. but gramma and grampa always have theirs.
• poetry! i would love to know if there is anyone else on earth who does this, but we write poems to go with our christmas presents. most of them are hysterical. some are tear jerkers. there are almost always made up words and major stretching to make words rhyme. they're supposed to give a hint to what's inside the wrapping. quite fun, and landon has fully embraced this tradition. he's really good!
• christmas cookies, which includes mock toffee and buckeyes. oh-my-yum. also christmas cookies straight out of gramma's freezer. cold and oh-my-yum.
• decorating the christmas tree. as much as we didn't want to when we were too-cool teenagers, mom always made us sit around and decorate the tree together. i'm so glad she did. it's making me cry now, and it's the tradition i'm most looking forward to continuing with my kids.
• the hallelujah chorus. (though i'm aware it was originally written for the easter season.)
• the plastic popcorn garland on gramma's tree.
• mannheim steamroller, raffi and kvil christmas music.
• the smell of cinnamon.
• not liking eggnog. :)
• the advent wreath at cumc ("light one candle for hope, one bright candle for hope. He brings hope to every heart, He comes, He comes..."), and hanging the wooden ornaments on the wooden tree advent tree at home.
• singing christmas carols around grampa's piano. sometimes we even break out the instruments. mom and susan on the violin, tracy and sandy on flute, george on the guitar. the rest of us sing. i can picture the sheet music. it's been the same for a lot of years.

the same for a lot of years...

as so much changes around us, for the good and for the bad, it's really nice that some things stay "the same for a lot of years."

blessings.

i am nervous about not having a job, but i'm really enjoying this time of rest with my family. i seriously just started crying earlier in the cowboys game (boys win!) watching landon totally relaxed and having fun.

ahh..

love it.

can you spell miserable?

i can.

s-a-r-a-h.

seriously. david bought me some claritin at wal-mart, and so far it has not helped. maybe it's one of those things that needs to build up. in the meantime, i'm considering a retreat to my bed that would not end for the next five days.

itchy nose, eyes and throat. congested nose and head. uncontrollable sneezing that rocks my entire body.

ugh.

maybe this isn't even allergies. all i know is it sucks.

in other news, the shower was quite fun this morning. it's amazing how creative and resourceful these girls are. really. we were a bit frazzled at first, in part because of the fact that i nearly chopped off my finger (really...our cousin, nurse amy, said you could see my muscle!), but i think it turned our pretty danged nice.

i hope crystal felt as special as she is to us.

though my allergies (or something) are tragic, my tummy is full. delana got the idea to have thanksgiving dinner with everyone tonight. matt and mandy are in town. kylah and michael are in town. nanny and pawpaw are in town. and we ate stinkin good. turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, stuffing, rolls, cranberry sauce (the jellied kind provided by me), pea salad and egg gravy. then pumpkin and pecan pies with cool whip.

good heavens.

now, half of us are watching tech beat ou and the other half is playing shanghi rummy. and then there's me. getting in the blog/internet fix while i have the chance.

i can't remember if i told everyone on here or not, but i did drop off my portfolio at asu on thursday. mr. lewis is out until tuesday, but pray that he just loves it so much that he can't wait to hire me.

OK. eyes are closing. too much medicine today...

friday: it's been a week.

we've officially lived in san angelo for a week. it feels like longer. i was cleaning the house today, and i told landon that i did when i was talking to him on the phone. he said, "isn't it pretty clean?"

you'd think, wouldn't you?

but no. we moved dust. and we had a lot to move, believe me. plus just the trucking in and out of a lot of people and boxes and the like makes for lots of dirt and tape particles and stuff.

i'm pretty pleased with my living room, guest bathroom and kitchen right now. ellie's room is a work in progress, but it isn't driving me too nuts. that's mostly thanks to kylah's help the first night we were here. (speaking of kj, say a prayer for her. she's really not feeling well tonight.) not much has been done in there since then. but the office and our bedroom are terrible. the main issue is we have the stuff but we have no stuff receptacles. we have clothes; we have no dresser. we have a mattress and box springs; we have no bed frame. we have files and craft things and a printer; we have no desk. in order to obtain said stuff receptacles, i need money.

and so the stuff sits...

i really am thankful for my house. it's 150 percent better than apartment living. even if i don't get another thing to add to it, it's wonderfulness.

OK. i think it's time to go. ellie is wiping soggy pizza crust on my laptop, and she really needs to go to bed.

bullets.

• i have a super great vacuum.
• i felt like i had a real friend here when angela called today to talk about the baby shower.
• david and delana have literally saved our lives.
• i miss my mommy.
• landon is in dallas. speaking of lonely. oh! and he's at the mavs/spurs game. ej just "happened" to buy them nosebleed seats. lonely and jealous. bad combo.
• ellie has her nine-month photos at great expectations tomorrow. she is the most beautiful baby on the planet. sorry. maybe i'm just a teensy bit biased.
• i'm sort of surpressing a sadness i'm having. i have to have a job. no questions asked. for some reason i was dreaming that i'd get to stay home with ellie when i got here. it's just an impossibility. i've been masking my sadness about that reality with my excitement about the possibility of the asu job. it's like i'm manic lately. super happy and super sad at the same time.
• i'd bake more if i didn't have a job.
• i'm really afraid of when ellie starts to walk. i think she's just gonna run. i could use the exercise.
• i wish i looked like kirsten dunst on spider man III. i want to have that effortless, cool, new york, i-can-wear-tunics-and-not-look-like-a-tent kind of look. waifish, i suppose. for clarification, there is no possible way i could be waifish. ever. even if i did lose the 30 pounds i need to lose.
• i want new sheets. some from company store, please.
• i have never had allergies. until now. owie.
• heb was insane today. i had to go to get paper towels, butter and heb diet cola. there were a million people there, at least.
• my kid has stopped getting tired at 8:30 or 9. it's 10:19, and she is still crawling around delana's living room like a mad woman. what the heck?
• um... the end.
  

sigh.

i don't quite know what to say. i feel like i'm on a vacation. only kylah is missing. she's usually here when i'm in san angelo. also, i have a house on this vacation. that's kinda weird.

i miss my mama. i miss my sister and my brothers and kelly and my dad. i miss penny and kayci and amy and kelly. i miss matthew and mandy.

i even miss grace.

i'm also excited. i like my new house. we're very slowly unloading things, and it's looking really nice. there are some things i wish i could change. but as my stuff is being added, i'm liking it more and more.

now i just need someone to come over.

any takers?

**oh -- ang, i got your message. i missed it, and then i didn't want to call your house number in case the kids were sleeping. maybe it would've been OK still. i'll call you tomorrow.**

she was calling to ask about the job status. i got my portfolio together yesterday, but i didn't take it today. we started unpacking, and i didn't want to stop.

i'm taking it in the morning though. david and delana approve. i hope mr. lewis does too. please, jesus.

landon is driving to dallas to take care of some things tomorrow and pick up his last paycheck at grace. i plan to be out of the house a lot. i get lonely. please call if there are any get-togethers. i'm still using internet at delana's, and blog access is sparse.

the house is kind of bare too. going from 860 square feet to 1600 or something makes for a lot of space. i like it, but i feel like i need to fill it. pero no dinero. es un problema.

i'm excited for crystal's shower. i need to find the rest of my fondue pot though. that's a scary thought. does anyone know how many/what size dishes i need to bring? i have a lot.

can you see how ridiculous i am right now? i don't feel like i'm doing anything, but i've been exhausted. i don't feel like i'm getting anything done but the days seem to be going quickly. they also seem to be going terribly slow. i feel like i'm sort of in the twighlight zone.

i think it's 'cause i don't have cable. i feel disconnected.

or...it could be because i just moved across the state. and we live in a really big state. and my whole family is back where i came from. i've never lived this far away from them. well, once when my daddy lived in birmingham, but that wasn't for very long.

no no! i know! it's because i don't have the ticket or espn radio. no 24/7 cowboys talk. weird weird weird.

i'm lonely and sad sometimes, but i'm not hopeless. i've said it before -- strange combination of emotions.

i don't really see a natural ending coming for this post. things are pent up and not flowing properly because of my lack of journaling.

bear with me people. hopefully things will improve.

will you pray?

in early october i found a job posted on the angelo state university website. it was for a news and information specialist and is basically a lot of feature writing, my favorite. i fit the qualifications -- at least two years of experience in a one of a variety of fields, one of which was journalism. the pay is equal to or even more than what i was making in dallas.

so... i was hopeful.

i applied immediately and heard nothing.

i kept checking the website, and the opening was always still posted.

today, i decided to go to the office to let them know i had moved to san angelo. i walked in to the building (just dropping by in a straight black skirt, gray sweater and heels, you know..) and figured out where the communications and marketing department was located. department is strong here, let me tell you. more like small square office with three or four desks. anyhow, a man was behind me as i approached the door to the department and asked if he could help me. i told him my name and that i had applied for the position. i have a new address, i said. he gave me a piece of paper, and while i was writing it down, the director walked out.

"did i hear you say you're sarah henry?"

"yes, sir."

"i'm preson lewis, the director."

"oh! it is so nice to meet you. i wanted to stop by to give you guys my new address and check on the status of the position."

he explained that the department is in the process of moving, and that they may not be hiring for this position until the first of the year. or maybe it was that the person might not start until the beginning of the year. one of the other. but he did tell me that he wanted me to submit a portfolio of writing to add to my application file. i'm almost feeling like not starting until the beginning of the year would be blessing since i could have the holidays to relax and gather myself in a new town. ellie's first christmas, you know.

i've been getting my portfolio together today and will drop it off tomorrow.

i was encouraged that mr. lewis recognized my name, and that he asked for more information.

i really need a job. i really need a job doing what i know how to do. all i know how to do is write.

will you pray?

thank you.

nine months.

ellie is nine months today. i can't post her nine-month birthday picture 'cause i have yet to locate my camera cord. i'm actually posting at delana's because we don't have internet. i promise to post more often as soon as i do.

this month ellie learned so much. she can play "where's ellie?" (aka peek-a-boo.) she claps. she dances. she stands alone. she eats anything and everything. she talks constantly and says ma, da, ba. a lady at hobby lobby stopped to admire her for like five minutes today, and told me, "you must talk to her a lot. she babbles wonderfully." i beamed with pride. i can't even begin to describe all the noises she makes. she got her first tooth, and now has two. her 6-12 month clothes are tight. i still don't know how much she weighs, but it's a lot. her feet hang out of her infant carrier, and i really should get her a big girl car seat. i'm trying to hold out for a four-door car... i feel like she actually plays with toys. you know, she knows what she's doing. i don't know if i'm biased, but i think she's really, really smart.

one of her big ninth month changes has been the move. she's been pretty happy except when it's time to sleep. she's getting better, but it's been a little different getting used to her new room.

i feel like there must be more.

there is. it's just there's so much. too much.

each day that passes breaks my heart for her tinier days and at the same time my heart overflows with excitement for that which is to come.

here are a few you haven't seen of e in month nine.

as the adventure begins...

as the adventure begins, i am bursting with excitement.

as the adventure begins, i am praising God with my every fiber.

as the adventure begins, i am mourning the absence of some of those closest to me.

as the adventure begins, i am rejoicing in the presence of some of those closest to me.

as the adventure begins, i'm imagining the possibilities.

as the adventure begins, i am trying to push down fear.

as the adventure begins, i am counting my blessings.

as the adventure begins, i am "expectant."

as the adventure beings, i am planning to grow.

as the adventure begins, i am praying i can help others grow.

as the adventure begins, i am fighting doubt.

as the adventure beings, i am marveling at the places He has pulled me from and the direction in which He is pointing me.

***

dear heavenly Father,

this adventure is in Your hands. You knew we'd be walking this path long before we did. i pray for safety and for an overwhelming sense of Your presence. without Your presence, nothing is worth anything. i pray that we are so full of You that we can't help but pour out into others. use us as Your servants. help us to be sensitive and insightful. help our every breath have purpose. mold us into the tools that You need to do Your will. we want so badly to be used. help us maintain hopeful and pleasing attitudes. help us seek You out so that we show others this great and mighty adventure You have written for us. we want them to know You've written their adventure as well.

in Jesus name...amen.

coming to you from amidst a forest of cardboard, high from the smell of sharpie markers.

moving sucks because it's possible to focus so much on packing and making your way from room-to-room that it's sorta easy to forget you're leaving a place you love.

but then you sit down on the couch at 20 past 11, look around at the fort of boxes that surrounds you and the tears start to well up.

i'm sitting on the left end of the couch. but i sat on the right end of the couch - in this living room - nine months ago when i brought my baby home from the hospital. a few months before that, we painted her room. a few months before that we moved in, knowing this humble 864 square feet would be ellie's first home.

this is the last night we'll sleep here. this is the last night i put ellie to bed here. tomorrow we'll load the truck and then spend the night in a motel. friday morning, we pull out bright and early.

also every time you move you realize how freakin much crap you have. i mean, honestly, there has to be some sort of award for who can stuff the most crap into a small space. someone let me know if there is such a thing. 'cause i'd win.

thank goodness delana is here. she's been helping me. as i type, she's still wrapping dishes in the kitchen. my mom helped some too, but she's had work and car trouble and all that stuff. she is the queen of packing. i'm trying to talk her in to coming to san angelo this weekend to help me UNpack.

oh, sheesh. i don't even wanna go there at this point.

the other weird thing about this whole deal is that i'm turning 25 tomorrow.

25.

2-5.

a quarter of a century.

i'm not quite sure what to think.

i do know that i'm excited to have a big birthday dinner with my family tomorrow night, though i have already stuffed my shirt sleeves with tissues.

i'm gonna need 'em.

ellie loves her $25 ikea high chair. (so do mommy and daddy.)

we just got this today. i think it's so cute. yes, we managed to go 9 months without a high chair. but now we have one! and e loves it. i'd been eyeing it for awhile.

i heart ikea.





side note: ellie is done with her snack of cheerios and cheese, and i just put her down for a nap. i went to talk to landon in the bedroom, discussing something very important about which shower curtain to use where in our new house. he's nodding, folding clothes. then he looks up at me. "you have cheese on your head."

HA. very matter-of-fact, went back to what he was doing like it was not surprising, "you have cheese on your head." oh, goodness. the joys of parenthood.

a laundry room jig.

i just did a small jig in my laundry room.

this is notable because it has been months since the floor of my laundry room has been completely clear, making said jig impossible until just now.

no, i don't care that most of the clothing has just been pushed out onto the kitchen and living room floors. it is slowly getting washed, and that's what counts, spoil sport.

last day.

i'm sitting at my people newspapers desk for the last time. i have some writing to get done, but i find myself in a weird sort of fog. it's cloudy outside, and i have a case of the "for the last times."

i've moved probably a dozen times in my life. it's not an unfamiliar situation for me. but regardless of how many times you do it, it's still something that evokes feelings of sadness, angst, nostalgia, excitement and a million other things. a strange combination indeed.

landon is doing such a wonderful job of reminding me about the new things to come. we were just talking about them last night, actually. it's not that i need a lot of reminding. i am definitely way excited. but the end of the old is hard. so the reminding is appreciated.

do you realize that, even though i'm leaving more friends than i've ever had in my life, i am moving to a place where i feel i already have at least four close friends? when does that ever happen? seriously, there are AT LEAST four girls (all mommies, or near mommies, mind you) that i would already count as my friends.

God is so good.

anyway... farewell dear people people. it has been an awesome 2.5 years. i have learned so much, and have been blessed to have such a job.
_______________________________

a couple housekeeping issues:

• i will be posting halloween photos of ellie in her peacock costume asap. i'm waiting for some additional photos so i can post all at once. be patient (jo).
• we are officially moving on friday, nov. 9. we will be pulling out of plano super early that morning to drive to sa. that evening and the next day we will be attending the marriage seminar at saf. just in case, you know, you needed a convincing reason to sign up. :)