christened -- i'm officially a mom.

i came home after a super long day at work today and held my baby. she was being a sweetie until she started fussing. i figured she was hungry. delana made her a bottle -- she, david, matt, mandy and landon were all in the living room with ellie and i -- and i fed her.

she gulped down eight ounces like she'd never eaten, which is not unusual. she's always ravenous. she kept fussing after she finished eating so i figured she needed to burp.

i held her up over my shoulder, patting like a good mama.

at one point she held her head up, and i looked at her. she looked almost drunk.

that was .5 seconds before she let out the most horrible puking noise and proceeded to upchuck her entire bottle and more -- projectile no less -- all over me.

i have never seen so much throw up in my life.

and i was wearing it.

and everyone watched.

g-r-o-s-s.

after i calmly handed the baby to delana, toweled off a bit and headed toward the bedroom to change, i heard matt say this:

"it takes some cojones to be a mom."

touché.

cuteness from grammie sue.

mom bought e this little tie-dyed outfit and sunhat. she wore it on friday.

umm...adorable anyone?

the baptism.

ellie was baptized this morning at my mom's church -- the church i grew up in. it was very special to have the ceremony done by don underwood -- the pastor who resides in my earliest memories of church. lots of people were there: mom, delana, scott, kelly, laura, taylor, kyla (taylor's daughter, not landon's sister), ellen, jim, dad, cherie, greg, becky...even landon got to come on a sunday. very cool. the pictures here are from after the ceremony. we all went up to lay hands on ellie while don baptized her so we don't have any from that actual moment. the later photos are from the after party (ha) where we had super great lunch at mom's house. kayci, jessie, matt, mandy, kelly, josh, caleb and maylea all came after services at grace for that. ellie also got some super great presents. a good time was had by all. thanks everyone for coming. especially to the moms -- mine for hosting the party and landon's for getting up at 3:30 a.m. (!!) to drive in for the service. ellie is now VERY dedicated to the Lord.










(getting diet root beer from grama...)

trust.

this whole teaching job thing - or lack thereof - is not going the way i planned.

unfortunately, i think that's on purpose.

there are three positions i've been eyeing since this process began. two of them were in middle schools in mckinney, but the third was for a print journalism teacher at lovejoy middle school.

it seemed perfect.

they filled it last week. the two mckinney jobs filled as well. i never got a phone call.

i don't know of any more journalism openings within a 100-mile radius.

my natural reaction is to be annoyed. annoyed and discouraged.

"why would you ask me to take this step at this time if nothing was going to happen, God? now i just look stupid. thanks a lot."

of course i got punked from that attitude last night during service.

i was worshipping --

OK, small side story here. i cannot participate in any sort of worship without crying. i'm not talking about just a little welling of tears in the eyes. i'm talking all-out-crying, mascara-running craziness. i enjoy it immensely while i'm in it, but then i have people handing me tissues, patting me on the back and smiling knowingly when it comes time to greet, and i look like a mess. really, people! nothing is wrong!"

-- and God said to me, "the lovejoy idea was yours. you made that plan. it looked right to you, but your plans are not My plans. Mine are beyond anything you could dream up. be patient, my love."

and of course i felt like a jerk for being annoyed with God. um, how many days has it been since He amazed me by coming up with something i never could have imagined? oh, probably three. what a terrible child am i.

please forgive me, Lord, for even a second of doubt. You have never been anything but faithful to me. and thank you. thank you for taking care of me, even when i do not deserve it.

psalm 25: 1-3 says, "to you, o Lord, i lift up my soul; in you i trust, o my God. do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. no one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame..."

isaiah 55:8-9 says, "'for My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.'"

she sits.

last night i was holding ellie, and she's so solid and big now. i thought about how in just a couple weeks she'll be six months old. i can't believe that. my tiny love is almost half a year old.

on tuesday, my sister sent me photos and video (yes, wonder babysitter) of ellie sitting up at my mom's house. she had been trying to sit for awhile, but would always fold in half. her tummy muscles weren't strong enough to hold her upright. well, tuesday she sat up for a long time with laura - she was freaking out. then wednesday i went to the mall with penny and amy and the babies. the whole time we were on the playplace, ellie sat up and watched the bigger kids play. she giggled at them and also, i do believe, contracted a cold. but i digress...

this is her this morning in her nursery and in the tub. no more infant sling for miss ellie. she can catch herself if she starts to lean forward or back. she can reach for toys and look all around without falling. looking up is still a little tricky, but she's working on it. i'm officially marking tuesday on her baby calendar as the day she sat up for the first time.

of course, she doesn't get to sitting up on her own yet.

it's only a matter of time...

His mercies really ARE new every morning.

i get so worn out, so annoyed with myself for never quite making it. everyday i find myself falling short of what i wanted to be for the Lord, my husband, my daughter, my bosses, my friends...for myself.

and sometimes, like tonight, i break down.

i lay in bed and cry, listing the things i suck at and all the reasons why my life is too hard. the list is long, believe me.

it's frustrating to say every evening, "OK, tomorrow, i'm going to be better. things will be better."

because a lot of times i'm not. they're not. lots of times i'm worse. way worse.

but for some reason - after i have that break down, after i stomp around the house, pissed at everything and everyone - there is always something that leaps in my spirit.

and i feel like i can do it.

and when i really step back and look at things in the long-term, the Lord has brought me through so much.

i have gotten better.

day-to-day it's miniscule. but across the broad, only partially painted canvas that is my life, these pieces are blending to be something lovely. a great and glorious work by the great and glorious King. and He still has so much work to do.

philippians 1:6 says, "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

tonight i'm soaking in that eternal spring of hope yet again. even while i mourn for the disappointments of the day, i can't help but feel the glimmer of good things to come rising up inside me.

the possibilites are just too exciting.

tomorrow i get to try again.

tomorrow He will pour out His mercies upon me once again.

third time's a charm. well, this is the fourth if you count the one at saks, but i didn't buy that one. so i don't. (pending kelly's approval.)

i think we finally have it, folks.

i've had quite a time trying to finalize my bridesmaid dress for scott and kelly's wedding that is creeping up on us in an ever-quickening manner.

the first one did not turn out to be the right color.

the second one is OK, but just not blowing me away.

there sorta was a third one i thought i was going to get from saks, but before i had a chance to buy it, i found the one you see pictured here. the one from saks was very fitted, which i'm afraid wouldn't have blended well with the styles of the other girls' dresses. also, it was wool and silk -- talk about h-o-t in september at an outdoor wedding in dallas.

so, my mom and i were at the mall today when she said, "let's go look at javier simorra. they had some things in the right color once when scott and i looked."

javier simorra is one of those stores i normally walk right past because it seems to be way too high-end fashion to be cute on me. also, and more importantly, i never imagined i could afford anything.

i protested, but we went anyway. what could it hurt?

nothing! they have very cool stuff. and i found this. it fits beautifully, and that in one size smaller than i normally am. needless to say, i'm sold.

it's unique. it's closer to the flowy style of the other girls' dresses. it's the right color.

it's 40 percent off...

i cannot ask for anything more.

i am officially done shopping for this dress.

i am 100 percent pleased.

unless, of course, kelly is not OK with it.

and then I might have to go naked.

(click photos to view larger.)

great is Thy faithfulness.

so if you've been following, you know i've been wrestling with a big decision in my life for the past few months. you also know i haven't been able to post many details about said situation.

well, now, i can.

it's about my job.

on monday, i gave my two-week notice. i hope to become a teacher.

there are many reasons i want to be a teacher -- a journalism teacher, mind you -- not the least of which is that the only thing i've ever wanted to be besides a journalist is a teacher. there is also my heart for teenagers, the magazine dream, summers off, christmas off and a fairly sizable raise.

problem: i still don't have a teaching job.

that was the dilemma. i needed to quit my current job now in order to be available for staff development if i were to get a job for this school year.

kinda scary, huh? yeah. i freaked out for quite some time as you'll recall.

landon and i both struggled with why we felt the Lord was asking me to take a step of faith and quit without having another job. at times, it felt just plain stupid.

but we couldn't deny the urging so i did it.

i told my bosses i didn't have a teaching job yet, and they said, "well, do you want to work here until you get one?"

um....YES!

we didn't even consider that option. it never occured to me that they'd ask me to stay. either i was going to get a teaching job, or i was going to be searching for something else, which was the scary part.

but it's just like God to think of something you never would have. and it's always better than anything you could've come up with, isn't it?

i love my job at people so it's an awesome scenario.

i don't know where things go from here, but i do know that the One who is faithful never ceases to amaze me.

hallelujah!

today...

...we're back on schedule.

PRAY PEOPLE!

postponed.

something monumental was supposed to happen today, but it's not.

i'm not sure how i feel.

stay tuned.

landon's first-ever contribution!

landon just emailed me this picture. someone at his office took it one day when ellie was up there with him. super cute, yeah?

listen up. yes, i'm talking to you. all of you.

i was just reading jenny's blog along with all the comments from you ladies about the situation with her baby.

i sat back for a second after i commented.

is this...situation we have here amazing to any of the rest of you? (sorry for you guys who have no idea what i'm talking about..)

i mean, it's like our little ladies group over blogs. everyone is praying for everyone else, and even though we don't see each other all the time -- especially me, being in dallas -- it's like we don't miss a beat with what's going on in each other's lives.

you all know that ellie and i went swimming this morning! and i haven't had an actual conversation with any of you! amazing!

anyway...this goes along with the text conversation kylah and i had yesterday in that i'm just amazed at how God can bless and minister to us through any means.

He transcends every generation and speaks in ways He knows we will hear.

incredible, don't you think?

He's working on me, and it's wonderful and hard at the same time.

He whispers... "remember david. he danced before Me and promised to become even more undignified if he was so moved. I am moving inside of you right now, sarah. seek Me with all your heart, and all those desires shall be added unto you. I will never leave nor forsake you. I've called you to a higher purpose. be patient and learn as I reveal that purpose to you step-by-step -- in the way I have ordered it for your life. do not be anxious, but by prayer and petition make your requests known to Me. I hear your every thought before it is breathed from your lips. you are My perfectly designed and executed creation. you are My child whom I love more than you have any knowledge of. I sent my Son to die for you so you could hear My voice this way; so we could have a relationship. I wouldn't have done that if I hadn't had every intention to dwell with you in every season of your soul. I love you. wait for Me. it will be worth it."

the secret to a loooong nap? a morning swim! (ellie's first.)

"OK, mom. i don't know about this..."
"hmm... pretty nice."
"ah! paparazzi! get back!"
"yes, i know i have beautiful eyelashes."
"i like it!"
"ooh.. but i think a dead bug is floating toward me."
"yes, mom, i'm smiling for the picture. but i'm cold! let's go!"
"you know you like my bikini."
"i love to swim!"
"..but swimming makes me sleepy."

ellie's first meal with a spoon.

on monday night, ellie had rice cereal for the second time. i mixed it with (thawed) breastmilk (yes, there are still a few precious ounces) and a little apple juice. she loved it. it was an absolute mess, as you can see. but i think that made it more fun. she would attack the spoon like she was gonna get a bottle and slurp it up. so cute. i know i can give her cereal in her bottle, but i want to teach her with a spoon so she's ready for real (baby) foods next month! woah.. next month.

fun with daddy and doc.

what a long day.

i just got back from a "look good, feel better" class with my mom and laura. it was good. the american cancer society offers it to women who are going through chemo. there were tips for how to tie scarves, how to fake eybrows and eyelashes and that using anti-aging products during chemo is not a good idea. mom made off with $300-worth of products from lines like chanel, avon, clinique and mary kay. i'm jealous.

another highlight in an otherwise stressful day was a text conversation with kylah. i won't try to explain it 'cause i can't say it any better than she did here.

i'll just tell you it was awesome.

i haven't written about it lately, but that decision i've been struggling is still hanging around. it was the subject of the conversation between jo and me.

it's amazing how God works because after i was finished talking with her, there was an awesome song in my CD player by isa. and it didn't stop there. "i will lift my eyes" by bebo norman came on the radio shortly thereafter.

man, this is a good song for this time in my life.

i can't even tell you how good.

God, my God, i cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
and take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

i will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains i can’t climb
i will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
i will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt i hold inside
i will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all i bring
is all of me

‘cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover i need to save me
‘cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

from the patio.

it's muggy. the birds have a lot to say. i can't see the sun setting; the building is to my west. but the clouds are pink. pink on a periwinkle sky.

i've inherited a bistro table. it needs some work. peeling green paint and rust. but it serves its purpose. and for now, i like to dream up how i'm going to improve it.

for those of you who were following, we aborted the previous patio project selection for one reason and one reason only: a lack of $300.

sucks, but i think i can make this work.

i still have a bunch of junk to clean off of here.

i have a bunch of junk to clean in more than one area of my life. seems like all areas.

you know how you're perfectly aware of the mistakes that others have made or are making, and then you find yourself doing the same thing? literally, right before your eyes, you make them. and you're mad at yourself. but you do it anyway.

or you know the things you want to do, but you don't do them? yeah.

my asparagas fern is tall. i planted that and vinca vine with some flowers when i started beautifying this little slab of concrete. the flowers are (mostly) alive, but the greens are flourishing. full and lush and upright.

oh well. i wanted to say something, but i haven't.

ellie fusses.

a lullaby for my soul.

since ellie was born - even before that - i've been singing this praise song to her. i don't know why, but it's always the song that comes to me when i need a lullaby. it's running through my head now even though i'm at work without her in my arms.

sometimes i need a lullaby, too.

Lord, i come, take my life.
i offer it to You, a living sacrifice.
by Your grace, by Your blood
i come into the Holy of holies

and all i wanna do is dwell in Your presence
drink from the Well that never runs dry
all i wanna see is the light of Your glory
just one glimpse, just one drink
and my soul is satisfied

ellie this morning. p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n.

five-month birthday just a few days late.

i'm a little slow this month.
this shortly before we discovered it was a really bad idea to try to take her while we walked the fourth of july parade.
a little blurry, but i had to include it. baby's first fourth.
more fourth.
baby in a belly shirt. i had to talk daddy into it. he wasn't a big fan.
EVERYONE was raving about this outfit last sunday.
the back.
chillin with dad.
photos by lolli.
this was her five-month picture. on her birthday. friday the 13th.