and the winner is...

mondays are hardest and sleep deprevation is winning.

i was kissing ellie before i left this morning, and her little forehead was sweeter than any dessert that has ever touched my lips. mondays are hardest because i get spoiled over the weekend by getting to hold her and nurse her whenever i want. i fed her at 7:15, and was leaving around 9:30. she shouldn't have been hungry yet, but i recognized the cries that were starting to escape under the closed bedroom door. i had to hurry to gather my things to leave, or i would've nursed her and ended up late for work. it seems so terrible to hurry away from my baby so i don't have to nurse her and be late when all i really want to do is drop everything to nurse her. like i've said before, everything about being a mom - especially a working mom - is a contradiction.

anyway. it sucked. but i'm glad to know she's at home with her daddy getting my milk. i have to remind myself how lucky i am that she stays with family members.

and i think i jinxed myself by bragging about the sleeping through the night thing for three days in a row. yeah. she hasn't done that once since i bragged. and until the past week or so, when i had to wake up in the night, i've been tired but able to wake up when she's nursing. but lately, i've been literally falling asleep while she nurses. my rocking chair is super straight up so i'll wake myself when my head falls forward or my arms relax and the baby is pulled off of me. this morning i was holding her pacifier, and i woke up when it fell out of my hand. have you ever tried to keep yourself awake when you're desperately tired? it's really quite painful.

i guess nearly three months (more than that counting the last weeks of my pregnancy) without a full night's sleep starts to kick in about now. at least i know she's capable of sleeping through the night. now i'm just praying really hard that she decides to make it a permenant habit.

won't you pray with me?

window boxes.

zinnias, asparagas fern, vinca vines and $10 window boxes from wal-mart. love it.

tomorrow and some other stuff.

i am so excited for tomorrow. i'm going to embark on a serious, heavy-duty, no-joke-on-this-one spring cleaning spree. we're talking about moving furniture to clean every speck of dust, emptying closets to build goodwill piles larger than the contents of the closets themselves, paring down shoe collections, bag collections, clothing collections and craft supply collections and completing the dreaded task of breaking open the pre-pregnancy clothes to see where we really stand. it's going to be great. except, of course, if i can only sqeeze one leg into my pre-pregnancy clothes. then it will be depressing.

things to look forward to:

• the photos of my window boxes, photos of ellie and the revealing of my favorite patio set. yes, i know i already promised this. i'm a little behind, OK?
• our SUPER fabulous list of gifts from china. landon's parents just got back.
• and...i don't know how to describe this last thing. it will be...thought-provoking. that's all i can think of. i'm currently formulating it in my head. i'm hoping it will suffice to convey my feelings about an extremely emotional topic that recently clawed its way, uninvited, i might add, into my life. you'll see.

"she's on a roll" and "coming soon"

check this out:

monday night: midnight to 7:45 a.m.
tuesday night: 11 p.m. to 6:45 a.m. and 7:15 a.m. to 9:30 a.m.
wednesday night: 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. and 5:15 a.m. to 7:45 a.m.

that, my friends, is ellie claire's sleeping schedule for the past three days. i am one happy mama.

and i'm in a hurry so i'm going to tease to a few things that will be coming sometime today.

• super cute photos of ellie from the past two days
• photos of my wonderful window boxes
• the revealing of my favorite patio furniture -- what's your guess?
  

a backlog of photos part II

landon took these of her friday morning after i left for work. there are no words.

a backlog of photos part I

ellie just looked so cute in this outfit last week. landon's cousin amy and aunt tammie gave her these super cute mary jane socks at the baby shower in san angelo. there are all different colors, and they haven't fit her until now. they're still a little baggy, but they stay on. i love them.

oh, sweet joy, she did it again!

at a beautiful 10 weeks old, my ellie slept for eight hours again last night! that's the third time she's done it in her life. i didn't tell you about the first time because i'm just now getting over feeling terrible about it. i put her in the swing after feeding her around 9, and at around midnight she was still sleeping. i decided to just lay down and wait for her inevitible cry to come. well, i fell asleep, and she didn't cry until 5 a.m.! she was wearing her hairbow and jeans and...it was just not good. poor baby.

but last night we did it the right way. eight hours in her crib. from 11:45 p.m. to 7:45 a.m.

i'm really ready for eight hours to be a nightly thing. oh, but i do really love the time i get to cuddle her early in the morning by the soft glow of her bright green lamp. why does everything in motherhood have to be such a contradiction? seriously. every thing that happens i'm both excited about and sad about. it's turning me into a nutcase. ugh. anyway. here she is today after a long night's sleep, lots of breakfast (my boobs are not used to eight hours without a meal yet) and a bath. she was ready to fall asleep in the swing. it is there she remains as i type.

patio project update.

i now have two pots, and flowers waiting to be planted in two window boxes that are still in the trunk of the car. i plan to plant those this afternoon sometime. the window boxes will have alternating vinca vine and asparagas fern in the front and super cute orange zinnia in the back. i'm excited. now i'm contemplating furniture. whatever i pick is going to set the style of the patio so i'm trying to choose carefully. here are some things i like that are in a doable price range. there are a lot of things i like that are not in a doable price range. opinions would be greatly appreciated. keep my style in mind. hint: it's not country cottage. oh, my two pots are terra cotta and the window boxes are a black wrought iron lined with coconut fiber. i'll post photos of those later to help with your suggestion. ready.....go.










**i have a favorite out of these. i wonder if you'll guess it...

quotes from the weekend.

we went to a beautiful, albeit VERY windy, wedding yesterday evening. my lovely friends katie and harry were joined in holy matrimony. it was fab. but about the wind, we were walking in from the ceremony to the reception, and i said, "my hair is going to look just fabulous after this." landon said, "it doesn't matter 'cause you're gonna put your mavs hat on!"

ha. i love that. he just came right out with that. too bad 50 mavs hats wouldn't have helped the tragedy of a game that was our playoff debut.

and another, completely unrelated quote came from dr. bill holifield for whom the holifield science learning center is named. the center is an outdoor classroom in PISD, and yesterday i covered the 30th anniversary celebration at williams high school. dr. holifield ended his speech with this jewel:

"kids in particular love the out of doors. it’s almost like an instinct to them. it may be that kids can see nature through the eyes of God. i don’t know, but it seems that way sometimes because they love it so well.”

more on virginia tech.

remember i told you my grandaddy went to virginia tech? my dad read my blog, and sent me this email. my grandparents got married, and then grandaddy left to fight in wwII - he was the navigator in fighter jets. when he came back, he went to virginia tech on the gi bill. as you see in the story below, he had a wife and kids while attending. my dad was born after they moved to norfolk. he is the youngest of three.

"Sarah -- As a follow up to your blog on reading about Virginia Tech in the paper at lunch...I talked to Grandmother yesterday, and she said that she remembers walking across campus with Ellen in a stroller (less than one year old) and waiting at the edge of that athletic/practice feild to meet Granddaddy when he got out of class. The practice field is still there, as is the part of the campus that separates the living areas from the classroom buildings. Also, Jody was born in Blacksburg while they were there. A simpler time in the world. Dad"

tears and a veg out bagel

i always read the news during lunch. since i came back from maternity leave, i have been bringing my lunch most days. today, however, i got one of my favorite things: a veg out bagel sandwich from einstein's.

so over my bagel, i was reading some of the follow-up stories to monday's shooting at virginia tech. the one i just read was about how the whole town of blacksburg is mourning. my granddaddy went to virginia tech, and though the connection is not direct, i feel like i have one somehow.

the story talked about a board on the drill field in the center of campus that has photos of the dead, and long memorials written. there are also things written about the school itself. one of them said this:

"The Lord is a Hokie — why else would the leaves change to orange and maroon?"

i cried.

in the wake of tragedy at virginia tech.

have you blog readers out there grown tired of my uncanny ability to connect anything and everything to ellie? well, get ready. i'm fixin to do it again.

i was listening to the radio this morning, and, of course, they were talking about the shootings at virginia tech. the station had one of those sad songs mixed in with words like they do sometimes -- you know, words from students, from president bush, etc., etc. well, this song also had words from random listeners who had called in to say they were praying. there were many heartfelt expressions throughout the song, but the one that hit me the hardest said this:

"i'm holding my baby as i pray. i can't hold her tight enough."

those students who died yesterday morning were once cradled in the arms of their parents. they were gazed upon with hearts filled with pride, love and expectancy. they were extensions of their parents' greatest accomplishments. and now they're gone.

i have extremely vivid daydreams, if you can call them that, in which something horrible happens to ellie. normally they consist of me falling down the stairs while holding her or a car hitting us while we're driving. morbid, i know.

well, yesterday morning i imagined if i were to ever get a phone call like the one the parents of these students received. i could literally feel a desperate scream well up on the inside of me at the very thought.

and though i had to rip my mind away from such a paralyzing thought or risk an emotional breakdown, the lyrics of one particular song tugged at me - "wish you were here" by mark harris.

the words to that song, which i'll include at the end of this post, are so encouraging to me. because, while my heart breaks at the thought of any of my loved ones leaving this earth, it also rejoices to know i will spend eternity with those people. the end here is not the end. it gets so much better than this, and there has never been a more bittersweet reality. lucky for us, the sweet lasts so much longer than the bitter.

I thessalonians 4:13-14: "...we want you to know for sure about those who have died. you have no reason to have sorrow as those who have no hope. we believe that Jesus died and then came to life again. because we believe this, we know that God will bring to life again all those who belong to Jesus."

"wish you were here"

i wanted to tell you how closely i've kept
the memories of you in my heart
and all of the lifetimes that we had to share
live even though we're apart
but don't cry for me
'cause i'm finally free

to run with the angels
on streets made of gold
to listen to stories of saints new and old
to worship our Maker
that's where i'll be
when you finally find me

no don't you be weary cause waiting for you
are wonders that you've never known
just hold on to Jesus, reach out for his hands
and one day they'll welcome you home
and that's when you'll be
finally free
finally free

to run with the angels
on streets made of gold
to listen to stories of saints new and old
to worship our Maker
that's where i'll be
when you finally find me

i wish you were here, i wish you were here

and all of the dreams that you treasure
will soon come together
and that's when your sorrow will find tomorrow
and you will rise again
to run with the angels
on streets made of gold
to listen to stories of saints new and old
to worship our Maker
that's where i'll be
when you finally find me

we'll run with the angels on streets made of gold
we'll listen to stories of saints new and old
we'll worship our Maker that's where we'll be
when you finally find me

i wish you were here

hallelujah!

ask me how long i slept last night.

go ahead. ask.

come on!

OK...you ready?

EIGHT HOURS. in a row!

yep, eight hours in a row.

i fed ellie at 10:30, and we were finished at 11. i gave her to landon immediately, and went to bed. i was falling asleep while she nursed. she fell asleep in his arms at midnight, he put her in her bed at 12:30 and i didn't hear from her until 7 a.m.

isn't that incredible?

i woke up about 6:50, and thought, "i haven't seen ellie all night.." i snuck to her room - the overpowering fear that she may not be breathing when i look in on her has dulled a bit, but it has not disappeared. i just stuck my ear up to the crack in the door, and hear her little sleeping coos and wimpers. ten minutes later she started to fuss.

she slept through the night! two months and three days...she slept through the night.

but here's the question: will she do it again tonight?

oh, please, oh, please, oh, please.

the patio project.

i've been having this urge lately to have a pretty patio with flowers and comfy places to sit and stuff like that. i don't know where it came from. i have a sneaky suspicion it all started when my subscription to southern living began showing up in the mailbox. i had an orchid once (for you long-time blog readers, you'll remember the orchid saga), and it died. i've since been informed that orchids are some of the hardest flowers to keep alive. i guess i don't have to write off my flower-growing skills just yet. especially since that was my first experience.

anyway, i officially started the "patio project" today when i bought some (read: inexpensive) flowers and a (read: inexpensive) clay pot from wal-mart. it's the lovely ensemble you see here.

i'm going to get a smaller, matching pot tomorrow because i have a few more marigolds, and a few more of those spikey (i can't remember the name..) things too. then i'll have two pots.

i want to eventually get some window boxes to plant (probably with that asparagas fern you see here, and the other long green thing and then some red geraniums) and hang over the rail. and probably some more pots too. and some nice chairs, and maybe a table. oh, and a fountain would be awesome. and citronella candles. and...can't you just see it?

i just have this wish to have a little oasis out on my patio. sure, it faces a parking lot. but i can close my eyes, right? maybe it has to do with having a baby. you want to get close to nature. ellie really loves to be outside, so i can just see landon and i sipping icy-cold lemonades while she, wearing a super sweet sun hat, plays with her toys on a pretty outdoor rug.

i'll keep you posted.

i'm off to a pretty good start, if i do say so myself.

i think the flowers are lovely.

ellie in her pretty crochet hat.

two months and a little scared.

today is ellie's two-month birthday! she's so incredibly lovely. she's swinging right now -- her all-time favorite, well, besides showers. she's smiling to herself and gurgling to herself and basically being the most wonderful thing i've ever seen.

the past couple days i've been reading some old blogs. i think i'm going to have to print out all the ones i wrote during my pregnancy (that's a lot of paper, folks) and save them in a book.

just this morning i read this one.

oh, how far we've come. my admonition to the Father to send me what i needed to make it as a mom has been overwhelmingly and unexplicably met. i just hope He doesn't stop any time soon because i'm gonna need a lot more.

we have to go to ellie's doctor at 10:30, and she's supposed to get several vaccines. when we were there for her one-month she got one shot, and i almost cried. today she has to get at least four, i think, and one of them is supposed to make her sore, tired and possible give her a fever.

i don't want it...

she's so sweet and happy kicking her legs right now. it seems ridiculous to give her something that will knowingly make her hurt. but i guess it's for the greater good. like chemo or something. only not nearly that severe.

oh, just pray that she's not too uncomfortable. it's going to break my heart.

happy birthday, my sweet ellie. i love you more than you will ever know.

(this is ellie smiling this morning on her two-month birthday. no, no, i agree. there never has been a more beautiful child.)

watching her sleep.

there's nothing like watching ellie sleep. is it like that for all mothers? for all parents?

there's just something satisfying about it.

it's like all is well with the world when the baby is asleep. not because i'm getting peace and quiet, which is nice too, but because, at that moment, she is 100 percent happy.

she isn't hungry. nothing is hurting her. she is comfortable and full. her body is recharging. she is relaxed.

i guess it's so wonderful to watch because that's what i always want for my baby.

i never want her to be hungry or to hurt. i want her to be comfortable and full and relaxed.

and then she wakes up.

and my dreams are dashed.

jeans!

these jeans didn't fit her at all a couple weeks ago. they're still a little big -- she looked like steve urkel on a few ocassions today -- but they're totally wearable. is she the cutest or what?

love it.

this ad rep, casey, at our office just walked past my desk.

the first photo from "happy easter!" is my desktop.

"oh my gosh, that is the cutest picture i've ever seen! ho-ly crap."

love it.

you gotta be kidding me.

read this article.

what i'm wondering is when someone is going to call it abuse that she's using meth while she's six months pregnant!

hello!

this kind of stuff pisses me off.

um, yum..

i just took part in the most delicious cupcake ever. there are some in the kitchen left over from a birthday party we had up here at the office yesterday. i left because i had to go get ellie... missed the birthday party. but i still got a cupcake.

the cake was orange -- yes, orange cake -- and there was tons of incredible vanilla icing.

i love icing.

i love cupcakes.

i'd never had an orange cupcake before, but now...

i love orange cupcakes, too.

happy easter!

this is ellie this morning. umm...can you say gorgeous?

this is ellie's first easter basket. she got a blue onsie that says "shine" and has orange shorts and multicolored pants that match, a frog teether toy, a classic disney stories book, a picture bible, a board book with the true story of easter, stickers that say her name and a card from mom and dad.

her whole easter dress.

landon with his easter basket. he got the fourth book in this elf/fantasy/lord of the ringsish series that he's obsessed with right now. he also got a gift certificate to borders for more books when he finishes this one -- he's finished three in just over a week. oh, and candy. he got me a super sweet card and money for a pedicure. yeah!

doc's easter basket -- chew sticks, treats inside those plastic eggs and a new tennis ball. he was thrilled.

here's ellie in her saturday night easter outfit.

sweater open -- complete with easter duckie socks.

sweater closed - the way it had to stay all night 'cause it was stinkin' cold.

showers just make..me...so.....tired.

as we have already established on this blog, i love taking ellie in the shower with me. it's her favorite. it's great while we're in there as well as when we get out. she's so relaxed and sweet-smelling and wonderful. this morning i bathed her, and she couldn't even make it until i finished dressing her before she fell asleep. love it.

you'll never believe this.

i just resisted buying a onsie at old navy that says "yo quiero a mi papa."

"i want my daddy" in spanish.

in spanish!

i have a rule that i don't buy baby clothes - especially from old navy - unless they're on sale. it's because they go on sale so often that it's silly to buy them full price.

but it says "i want my daddy" in spanish!

someone tell me i did the right thing.

for gladys. for ruth. for sue. and for ellie...i'm doing it.

in the movie erin brockovich starring julia roberts, a character named donna jensen says this:

"you think if you got no uterus, and no breasts, you're still technically a woman?"

erin answers, of course, yes, but donna can't help but wonder.

this year, more than 200,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and more than 40,000 will lose their lives to the disease. a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer every three minutes. every 13 minutes, the disease claims another life.

as i wrote a few weeks ago, the opportunity to participate in the breast cancer 3-day walk presented itself to me recently. i was contemplating the commitment; it is a large one. i wondered if i could make the time sacrifice, the training sacrifice, if i could make the money.

most of all i wondered if i could leave my eight-month-old daughter for three days to walk 60 miles across the metroplex.

well, i thought about it, and i prayed about it. i looked at ellie and it occured to me, "leaving her for three days will be hard, but losing her or anyone else i love to breast cancer would be harder."

i'm in. and i'm walking for ellie.

as my feet pound the pavement mile after mile, i'm going to focus my thoughts on how i'm helping find a cure for breast cancer -- a cure that one day may save my daughter's life.

you can help too by going to my donation webpage here.

ellie and i thank you.

this is ellie today.

this child's hair is obviously not dark. i just can't decide if it looks red or blond here. all i know is it's the most perfect hair i've ever seen.

the art of waking from a nap.