behind.

so.. i'm already 30 minutes behind on my cleaning.

ellie had been screaming for pretty close to an hour, and i was about to my breaking point.

let's just say, i was not using too nice a tone with her when going to give her the paci that she dropped 16 times from her swing to the floor.

just that wide-open mouth letting out shrieks that could grate on the nerves of mother teresa herself made me want to smack her. please tell me i'm not the only mother who's wanted to smack her precious, darling gift from God. please. i feel terrible guilt about it.

anyway. she would not hush in that swing. i knew she was tired, but she refused to give up. finally, i slammed the swing switch to off, unbuckled her and pulled her into my arms rather, um, briskly.

"what?!"

she laid her head down on my chest.

i sat down in the rocker and within three minutes her breathing was deep from her sorta stuffy nose and her chubby baby hands were limp. i think she had dried snot on her eyebrow. after five minutes, her paci fell halfway from her mouth and her breath came out from behind it.

then i couldn't put her down.

i don't think mothers are really supposed to do anything but rock, feeling that heaviness of their completely relaxed child in their arms. ellie is not overly cuddly most of the time, and i hadn't really rocked her to sleep since before i quit nursing her. there is nothing else like it.

oh, the picture of craziness that is wanting to smack your child one minute and dreaming of every reason not to let her go the next.

i love you so much, ellie.

you drive me perfectly, beautifully insane.

real quick, before i clean.

i am going to try to get some cleaning done tonight. as i said to landon before he left for the movies, "we're living in squalor."

it's not an exaggeration.

anyway.. i wanted to get this story posted quick before i forgot.

i emailed david a couple days ago, asking him to tell me a verse to pray for a particular situtation i'm going through. he wrote back a wonderful email, and on friday afternoon, i was recounting it to landon.

"he was talking about how in second corinthians, king jehosaphat was confronted with some pretty serious problems, and he didn't know what to do. basically, he just said, 'God, i don't know what to do. so i'm not going to do anything until You tell me.'"

i'm just blabbing along for another five minutes while landon listens, sorta nodding.

finally, i stop. and say, "so, what do you think?"

he says one thing:

"well, jehosaphat's not in second corinthians, i can tell you that much..."

today's victory.

i just set the coffee pot to make coffee for the third morning this week! i'm proud because, like i said earlier, i've been terrible at using this super great coffee maker delana got us. it was mostly used when she came to visit, but no more!

...OK. i know. sort of a lame victory. a bit of a stretch. but i'm running real low on celebrations for today.

i'm trying as best i can.

it's not going all that well.

proud (as a peacock).

so.. i was sad because i really wanted to buy ellie this peacock costume for her first halloween, but it was $38 from baby style. plus, the one i wanted needed cute orange tights for the peacock legs. that's another $10. so.. i was at target, and saw the less expensive costumes for $15. i know they'd be cute as soon as i put them on ellie. there was a penguin that was pretty sweet. but i really wanted the peacock!

so.. just now i decided to check on the baby style website one more time.

THE PEACOCK IS ON SALE FOR $15!!!

it's not the one that needs the tights, but who cares. look at it! oh, i so just ordered it. i was slightly annoyed that the shipping was nearly $8 -- half the price of the costume. but i was willing to take the plunge. THEN i found out that shipping on costumes is ONLY $2!

i am so excited.

i'm planning the party now.

small victory time.

i need to celebrate one. i haven't been doing a very good job being disciplined and on task last night and today. i'm starting to feel myself get discouraged and loserish. so...i'm gonna celebrate. i've been tempted several times to go to kohl's to look at vera wang's new line. i've seen it online, and it's really cute. i tell myself, "i'm just gonna go look," but i know that's a lie. it's one of those, "just turn around and run as fast as you can" scenarios. so..i have. i haven't gone. i won't go. i won't buy cute new vera wang clothes. for fall. with tights and boots and skirts and layers. i will just keep wearing my boring, old blah clothes. but i'm celebrating! 'cause i've resisted several times. and i will continue. i'm sorta dropping the ball with housekeeping, work stuff, etc. this past day-and-a-half, but our budget is going well this month - partly 'cause i'm resisting vera wang!

here's to celebrating the small victories!

just look!

at seven months and 11 days, ellie claire started crawling. i missed it because i was covering something in dallas. but landon texted me as he watched her crawl across the living room floor. here she is this morning practicing her new skills. i could cry.

jo+seph=us.

i stepped off the escalator, and i saw him. i saw my handsome boyfriend of only a few short months beaming with pleasure as i walked toward him. i kept his gaze until i was in his arms. he smelled so good.

from over his shoulder i saw someone else. a pretty girl in a purple turtleneck sweater. i knew she'd be there. the butterflies already fluttering in my stomach in anticipation of landon flapped wildly when i saw kylah.

would she like me? i was dating her big brother. i didn't usually get along with girls all that well. i wondered.

but when my eyes met hers she smiled a sweet, natural smile.

i hesitated. unsure of whether to stick out my hand for a shake or to just smile back.

she never hesitated. she immediately reached for me and wrapped me in a hug that predicted a friendship neither of us could have ever imagined at the time.

even as early as that weekend -- it was thanksgiving weekend 2002 in odessa -- i laid in her bed, confessing a myriad of feelings, including extremely strong ones for the man that is her brother.

it'd only been a few months, but he had stolen my heart. it'd only been a few minutes, and his sister had my trust.

i know she loved to hear the romantic, charming stories. she still does.

it's one of the best things about her. she's a wonderful listener.

neither of us could have understood just how necessary the elimination of "in-law" would be as things progressed between landon and me.

from the moment i knew i wanted to marry landon (um, i think we'd been dating three months..), kylah was my sister.

pure and simple. sister.

and she's the most wonderful kind of sister.

she listens to me. she encourages me. she cheers me on. she is excited when i am. she is sad when i am. she keeps secrets. she gives me advice. she prays for me. she loves me. she is gentle and genuine. also, she makes me laugh. she inspires me. i want to be like her. she is always poised, beautiful and thinks of everything. she's an excellent hostess and an amazing teacher. she has helped me realize the many benefits of girlfriends. she is the living, breathing epitome.

i am overwhelmed with thanks when i think of getting to grow up together. she is an incredible aunt, and the very thought of being an aunt to her children brings tears to my eyes.

will it be emma and ellie? brawlee and ellie? our children will be cousins! we'll have christmas and thanksgiving and summer trips and random family dinners.

not a day passes that i'm not thankful for kylah.

she is my best friend. i don't know why God thought it necessary to send me not only an outstanding husband, but an outstanding sister.

all i know is i am INCREDIBLY glad He did.

i love you, jo. happy 26th birthday.

it's officially my mantra: celebrate the small victory.

tonight's celebration: the guest bathroom is spic-and-span. it smells good. clean mirrors. clean counters. clean sink, potty, tub. swept and mopped floors. a yummy plum citrus candle (from patty's!) is burning. there's an empty trashcan, a clean baby tub and a new can of renuzit citrus air freshner that i bought at the 99-cent store!

landon is so sweet. i took him to look, and he said, "you did so good, baby! one room at a time..."

don't ask me about the rest of the house. just...

celebrate the small victory!

**update:12:05 a.m.**

the kitchen is spic-and-span now, too! dishes are washing. all the bottles in the dishwasher. yummy lemon kumquat candle (from patty's!) burning. fridge wiped down. counters and stovetop disinfected. floor swept and mopped. windowsill and blinds dusted and wiped down. even doc's bowls are being washed. of course, as soon as everything was perfect, landon asked for a huge glass of orange juice. dishwasher's already running. hmm... i really contemplated telling him no. :) but a clean kitchen is an inviting one! that's what i want. yea for two small victories tonight! oh, and i set the coffee maker to start early in the morning. we have such a great coffee maker that delana got us for our wedding. i don't use it enough at all. so.. yeah. the timer is set to make coffee real early. i don't even wanna tell you how early. so i gotta hit the sack. sleep should be greatness after a weekend of dave, a handsome, encouraging husband, a flippin' awesome cowboys victory and some substantial progress on housekeeping! nighty-night.

because i know she won't mind.

i just had about three minutes to talk to kylah on ichat before she left to spend time with michael before bed.

i already knew i was going to be jealous of the sweet time you guys got to spend with God at the retreat.

kylah confirmed it.

"i gave God the real me this weekend. walls broken. altar built. i found my way into the holy of holies. i don't know if i've ever really done that before. if so, it's been so long i can't remember. i am letting God gaze at me adoringly, faults and all, and i'm gazing back. i'm so in love."

wow. all i can say is wow.

though i wouldn't have taken back the wonderful early-anniversary date last night with landon, i truly wish the two would've fallen on different weekends.

i pray that you ladies continue to experience God's love and peace this week and beyond.

inspired by you, i'll be searching for time this week to get alone with God and revel in His amazing presence.

aren't we all so lucky to know a woman like delana? so sensitive to the Spirit in planning this weekend. i know she allowed God to work, and lives were changed.

you have no idea how positive i am when i say -- i WILL not miss it next year.

grant austin.

jenny had her baby! la la la la la!

grant austin was born at 11:30ish a.m. on friday, sept. 21, 2007.

jenny was having some back labor early this morning after she cleaned the whole house. hello.. every woman i know who has had a baby in the past year, including myself, has cleaned the whole house the night before.

she also kept saying she had to have everything ready for the hospital -- bags packed, lessons written, etc. -- by thursday. as in, yesterday.

the woman wasn't due for three weeks! but she knew.. we always know.

and goodness if baby grant wasn't 8 lbs. 1 oz. and 20 inches long three weeks early. i'm glad he decided to save his mama those last three weeks.

now.. you know who i'm thinking of? besides jenny, troy, mason and grant, of course.

michelle.

because jenny was her pregnant buddy, and that girl is not due until oct. 20-something.

i had a pregnant buddy who had her baby six days before i did, and that time seemed like years.

i'm praying for you, michelle!

:)

i'm so happy. babies are just so miraculous every time. and it's crazy to think, as i'm going about my normal day, JENNY JUST GAVE BIRTH! wow.

i told landon i want to have another one of his babies after i read jenny's blog about being in labor.

he said, "yeah. but not for a long time, right?"

ha.

right, baby. not for a long time.

happy birthday, grant. i love you already!

i just realized..

..i'm going to be completely alone this weekend. all my blogger girls are going to be on the san angelo first assembly women's retreat! without me!

it's 9:42 the night before you leave, and i'm just realizing this.

it's because i've been in denial. i've heard delana talk about it, and i saw the bags -- the bags are good, guys.

dang it.

i guess my tiniest respite will be attending the DAVE MATTHEWS BAND concert with my HUSBAND on saturday night! and da bears and da 'boys on sunday night!

i am really sad i'm missing it. don't write too many posts about how your lives where changed when you get back.

that'll just rub it in. and that's mean.

pray!

oh, there are so many things on my prayer list, but there's one big thing at the top.

it has to do with my sister, kj.

you pray too, OK?!

(it's a good thing!)

**post post clarification**

it has nothing to do with being pregnant, trying to be pregnant, thinking of becoming pregnant, etc., etc. just thought i'd clear that up! :)

the great Conductor.

with the wave of His hand, trumpets sound, timpanis rumble and voices rise in song. He directs each part of His orchestra with seamless perfection. even if the violins do not know what the tubas are doing, they play in flawless harmony because of the One who instructs them. when He wants to create an original work, He has everything at His disposal. those that listen closely to the Maestro can become a small piece of this work. at the time, it may seem they are playing solo. the echo of their single instrument into the darkness is sad, depressing, lonely. "i wanted to be a part of the great, original work. why has my Master left me to play breathlessly alone?" but in an instant, His wonder rises in front of the greatest gathering of instruments. and those who are willing are moved to play their own song once again. this time, it blends with an overwhelming ensemble of other instruments to create something they never thought possible - a masterpiece created by the one, true Conductor. it is one of His many masterpieces. there are too many to count. and He has not finished. the grand finale is yet to come.

i need You.

i feel empty tonight. i feel like a failure. i know You're probably tired of hearing me complain so i apologize. it's been a little rough lately.

why is it that an overwhelmingly large part of my heart and mind knows i need You in order to maintain a second of righteousness or worthiness, but i continue to watch myself fall to look for satisfaction in worldly things?

over and over. without fail. i fail without fail.

i'm not writing about anything specific here. there's not one blaring sin. that i can think of, anyway. it's a mindset. my mind is weak. it constantly strays.

if only i were better at keeping up the house... if only i were better handling the money... if only i were skinner... if only i were a better mother... if only i were a better wife... if only i were a better friend, sister, daughter... if only i could shop and buy nice clothes... if only i were on top of things at work... if only i hadn't done this or that... if only i HAD done that or this.. if only i were a better child of Yours.

i know You're tired of hearing it. You have to be.

i know i am.

annoyed. discouraged. disgusted.

i feel empty and a mess, and i hear You speak softly, Your arms wrap me strong, the one true Father...

"I will never tire of you, my love. lean into Me. don't lose an ounce. forget your money -- who you owe and who owes you. laundry? what laundry? oh, My child... I have so much more for you. don't allow life to steal your joy. this is temporary. I have conquered the world. My grace is enough. you are redeemed."

i wish i didn't keep forgetting. the lump in my throat is hard and painful. my tears are hot.

slowly You unwind me.

"shhhhhh... I have no forsaken you. I will not."

my heart breaks over and over. i want to go home. i long for home. where my flesh will never again attempt to escape Your presence. i will dance boldly before You with a gladness i have but only glimpsed.

until then, my King, i beg your forgiveness and heave heavy sighs as Your mercy falls upon me once again.

i need You.

and You come to cradle me soundly to sleep tonight. You always come.

even as i fail without fail, You never fail.

hallelujah.

pearls.

there once was this super sweet lady who gave my baby daughter a pearl bracelet before she was born. her baby girls always wear them and look so pretty.

my baby daughter wore the bracelet for dedications and baptisms and her aunt's wedding.

she tried to wear it for her uncle's wedding last weekend, but it doesn't fit her fat little wrist anymore!

i wonder if that super sweet lady has any pearl bracelets her little girls have grown out of...

oh, how i wonder.

it's an especially significant wonder since i'm going to be near this super sweet lady as early as, oh, TONIGHT!

p.s. i'll buy 'em from you..

happy seven-month birthday, ellie!

here she is looking beautiful just a few minutes ago. she says "da da" and "ba ba" all the time. she scoots like a champ. she sleeps wonderfully. she wrinkles up her nose and makes this funny sniffing noise when she's tired of doing what she's doing. she's starting to have seperation anxiety. and she screeches...all the time. her favorite food is organic bananas, peaches and oatmeal (all in one jar). she's starting to drink pear juice out of a sippy cup. she loves doc and her daddy. she's almost too big for her swing and her infant carrier. she still loves her praise baby dvds. i find myself picking her up and having to clench my teeth so i don't squeeze her too hard. her solid, heavy baby-ness in my arms is a feeling i never want to forget.

i love you, my ellie belle.

celebrating a small victory in goal no. 934.

goal no. 934: to eat at home.

monday: eggos (no peanut butter..)

tuesday: baked halibut, rice and green beans

wednesday: peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches, pretzels and milk

thursday: chicken, rice, mixed veggies,
fresh bread and strawberries

hey, i gotta take my victories where i can.
i'm trying to see small steps of progress.

are we related?

go cowboys!

we went to kayci and jessie's for brian's shower and the cowboys game on sunday night. this was after we got home...midnight or so. i should've taken her photo before we left. she was not in the mood for photography at this point.. poor monkey.

ellie goes to the zoo.

ellie and kyla - laura's boyfriend, taylor's, daughter. aren't they so pretty?

her flirty look.

"hey, gimme some food."

ellie and lolli.

...yes, there were animals at the zoo. but why bore you with those photos when these are of lovely girls!

perfection in a purple hat.

sweetie pea.

(aunt lolli bought these bibs. aunts can do things like that.)

sailor dress from grama.

i put this on her a couple weeks ago for church. it was the tiniest bit too big so i changed her. but not before i caught these. ahh.. beauty alive.

the bride.

once the wedding began, i had not the wherewithall to take photos. i was having much too much fun. we'll just have to wait to see what alex caught. it's certain to be magnificant.

(yes, those are her hip bones you can see.)
waiting for the show to start. she was so calm and happy the whole time. sweet new sister.

mom and the veil application.

kelly's mom and maid of honor (haylee) putting on her veil. it was cathedral length - longer than her dress.

stunning.

this is my mom putting on the bracelet my great-grandfather gave my great-grandmother on their wedding day. LOVE this. i can't wait to see alex's shot. i know it'll be awesome.

i contradict myself today.

i am happy. i am sad. i am excited. i am nervous. i am nostalgic. i am forward-looking. i am energized. i am tired. i am passionate. i am uninterested. i am motivated. i am lazy. i am trusting. i am skeptical. i am confident. i am scared. i am strong. i am weak. i am hungry. i am full. i am satisfied. i am not.

***

i'm trying to decide whether to go to san angelo this weekend. my car is making a funny noise, and i'm sort of nervous to drive it 4.5 hours by myself with the baby. i really want to go hang out with kylah and david and delana and everyone. i know delana is about to die for lack of ellie love.

i dunno what to do.

***

i could listen to nichole nordeman's "i am" 53 times in row, and i'd still cry at the end when she swells to, "Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer, Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer, Lord and King, Beginning and the End."

***

i love james taylor.

***

i had christina's tortilla soup for lunch, and i love that too.

***

having a leather couch enables me to see just how often spit up and other milk-based dribble ends up on our favorite seating option. this experience has me convinced that i will never buy a couch that i cannot wipe clean with a wet rag.

***

i wanted to make cookies tonight, but i didn't have all the ingredients for any of my recipes. i didn't want to go to the store.

***

scott and kelly are in st. thomas. i'm jealous. their wedding was so beautiful. if you were at my wedding, you may remember the breeze that blew as landon and i were saying our vows. we were under a canopy of trees and leaves fluttered down as it appeared God was breathing his audible approval. well, at the same time during scott and kelly's ceremony, there was the dull roll of thunder. just in that moment.

awesome.

***

this is how i tend to blog when i know there is something inside me that needs to get out. but it can't. i'm not sure if it's helpful or not.

it's highly unsatisfying, but maybe the process of typing letters into white space aids in the eventual working out of my thoughts.

***

do any of the rest of you check for comments starting about five minutes after you post? or is that just me?

catchup makes me tired.

i've been doing a lot of self analysis lately, it seems. it's exhausting really. but i believe it's one of those things young adults go through as they try to figure out how to be functioning members of society. or maybe i'm alone in this. i'll just pretend the former is the norm.

yeah. so..self analysis. with landon's help, i've determined that i inhereted my dad's tendency to worry over whether little things are done, in order, under control, on time. while at the same time, i inhereted my mom's tendency to, um, shall we say, let little things go for the sake of more important things.

the result?

insanity.

i mean, think about it. if i'm constantly disturbed by chaos, but am wired to live in chaos, how could anything BUT insanity ensue?

ay.

just thinking about it makes me tired.

i WISH i was good at maintaining routines. i think maintaining routines would benefit my well-being. but i can't quite seem to get on top of everything in order to establish said routines.

i am really great at making long-term, all-encompassing plans. everything is going to be perfect if we do a, b and c. but my problem lies in that a, b and c take a long time to complete, and day-to-day i just don't see any progress.

and i need progress, dangit!

then i just get discouraged. i suppose you could chalk it up to a lack of follow through.

i talked it out with landon (got THAT from mom), and i realized that i have been keeping ellie's room clean for the past week. (goal no. 324: be a better housekeeper), and i stayed in our budget for brian's shower gift and eliminated the expense of wrapping paper and a card by using things i already had at home (goal no. 933: be disciplined in the budget and goal no. 247: be resourceful with the TONS of stuff i already own).

so i think if i can focus on the little things that are changing, i can maintain momentum until the day when things are where i want them.

i know you're laughing. i know you're thinking, "the day things are where she wants them... ha! doesn't she know? that day will not exist until Jesus comes back."

but things HAVE to be better than this. i feel like there are 17 things, at this very moment, that should have been done three weeks ago.

sorry to be blah. this weekend was very exciting with the wedding and all. sometime i'll post about how kelly was one of the most beautiful brides ever in the history of mankind.

but for now, i'm blah.

every week i think, "i'm going to start out the week organized." and i never am. not once.

all i know is i'm tired of living in a constant state of catchup.

somethin's gotta give.

sweet.

i'm sure this happens to all of you mommies out there.

lately i've been having little bubbles or something in my tummy, and i stop a second every time i get one.

they're very faint, and they don't hurt or anything.

i stop, though, because they feel like those first faint flutters of a growing baby kicking inside me. i just felt one.

it's a sweet little reminder.

my mom, who had her last baby 16.5 years ago, says that still happens to her.

oh, how becoming a mother changes you.

you can't even have gas without thinking about your kids. :)

update.

here are some things i've neglected posting on here in the past week or so. these are in no particular order. i can't remember in what order they occurred, so, sorry.

1.) MY BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED THIS WEEKEND! hello. i can't believe i haven't blogged more about that. this is a big-time fancy wedding. i'm excited to see it all come together. and i'm very excited for kelly and scott who were most certainly made for each other. my mama bought be a cute dress to wear to the rehearsal. love that mama. i have cute silver shoes for the ceremony. ellie is a to-die-for outfit my Gramma (her GiGi) made her. i can't even explain it on here. i'll have to post pictures post wedding. it's so cute.

2.) landon and i got to spend most of Monday together ALONE. funny little concept, alone. i never knew how precious it was until a little blondie with big blue eyes and a big mouth showed up. my mom watched her sunday, and we got to go to the smu-tech game (let's not discuss the score), which was exciting because we'd never been to an smu football game together. landon always has work on saturdays. smu is my alma mater, for those of you who don't know. i'm a big football fan. doesn't usually get me anything but heartache and teasing, but i believe one day it will pay off. pony up! go mustangs! it was a great time with my honey. funny is that we debated going to starbucks afterward to make it last a little longer, but ultimately determined that two 59-cent quick trip drinks would afford us the same together time without the $10 price tag. ha.

3.) ellie went to the zoo with laura on tuesday. i debated letting her go because that means i was absent for her first trip to the zoo. and it was the fort worth zoo. the good one. but landon talked me into it saying, 'she won't ever remember. she won't even know to look at the animals.' i don't know. but i gave in. there are wonderful pictures, but i'm too sleepy to get up and look for my camera cord right now. laura said she was a perfect princess the whole time. also laura bought her a super soft, super sweet giraffe.

4.) ellie is soo close to crawling. she actually moves pretty well. there's just one problem -- she goes backwards. she seriously rocks on her hands and knees and stays up for longer now. she also pushes up with her hands and her feet into what i call her "downward dog" yoga position. cutie pie. i have no idea what i'm going to do when she starts to crawl. currently, i'm praying that we miraculously get a bigger place with plush carpeting by then. no such luck so far. we're still in the apartment with laminate wood flooring and ikea furniture with sharp edges every 18 inches.

5.) jobs. enough said. this item is so multi-faceted that i couldn't even begin to enumerate its intricacies on here without a lot more time and energy than i have.

6.) last month we ran out of money 10 days before pay day. earlier in the month, a friend of ours at the church gave us some baby formula samples that they had and didn't plan to use. i was thankful, but just sorta shoved it into the cabinet and moved on. well, the day we were certain there was no more money to spend, i had to pop open one of those sample cans. on day 10, the day we got paid, i scooped the last bit of that supply. GOD PROVIDED 10 DAYS WORTH OF FORUMLA. He knew we would needed it. it wasn't too much. it wasn't too little. it was perfect. ahh. i just love that story. i want to tell everyone i know. hallelujah!

7.) the excitement that i am experiencing in anticipation for one dallas cowboys vs. new york giants game happening this sunday night is inexplicable. i'm about to bubble over onto the floor in a puddle of silver and blue.

8.) God is revealing some really cool stuff to me through the crown financial class i'm taking at church this kickoff season. it's not anything i didn't know (double negative, sorry), but He's just bringing me to a deeper understanding of some basic concepts about His plan for our finances. this week, it was provision. of course i know that God promises to provide for us. but what hit home this past sunday was that His ways of provision are unpredictable. hence, the revelation about the 10-day formula. God is predictable and unpredictable at the same time. He is predictable because He will always provide for our needs. He is unpredictable because you never know how He will bring us our provision. the design is to develop our capacity to trust Him in the face of uncertainty. i also discovered my need to be more aware of the small gifts that God sends my way, and that He is blessing me for a purpose. i have not consistently sought that purpose or been faithful with the small things - even as menial as keeping my laundry washed and in good condition, my house clean and taken care of. the Spirit is speaking to me that all i have is owned by the Lord, and i am but a steward, appointed to take care of it for a time. why is it that growing in my relationship with God is painful and wonderful at the same time? it hurts so good!

i think that's it for now. i promise to find the camera cord soon. you're gonna be in for a treat when i do.

a stat for gramie sue & grandaddy, grama and pa.

i just heard on the radio that grandparents spend $87 billion a year on their grandkids.

and that 72 percent of them wish they could spend more.

somehow, i am not surprised...

oh, about that looming decision.

if we take one path, the harder of the two difficult ones, we will be left with yet another decision about what to do next.

that may be confusing, but just because we pick one direction, doesn't mean we're set. there is a lot God has to help us work out.

right now, we are at a loss.

landon is talking to his dad on the phone. he just sighed and summed up our mentality, "i don't know, dude...."

just...so...sleepy...

oh, i cannot tell you of the exhaustion. this weekend was nuts and went by so fast. i stayed up until 3:45 a.m. last night getting stuff done. i feel almost drunk because i'm so sleepy. you know that feeling? my brother is getting married this weekend and it's a short week at work, but there is no less work, and i'm so tired and ugh..

ellie went to the zoo today with aunt lolli. you have to see the pictures.

we're experiencing some very serious turmoil in our lives right now, and we ask that you please pray for wisdom and guidance. a major decision is looming in our presence. no matter what we do, it won't be easy. we need the peace that passes understanding. please help.

right now i am too tired to blog anything coherant, but i have a lot to say.

i think i will try to sleep, and maybe tomorrow evening will afford me an opportunity to share some of my craziness with you.

i like that it's a little cooler outside -- 88ish and raining. i'm shivering 'cause our AC is up too high.

fall is slow, but its coming!

(oh, i know you think i'm insane.)

yea for ebay! (lori will be proud.)

look at these sweet things i got for ellie on ebay recently. if you know me well, you know how much i LOVE the fall. sweaters. hoodies. tights with long-sleeved dresses. hot chocolate. football. seeing your breath in the air. car heaters. fires in the fireplace. making out with a cold nose. i love, love, love, love it. so, needless to say, i'm very excited to dress ellie for the fall and watch her experience the greatest season for the first time. it literally brings tears to my eyes to think about halloween and thanksgiving and christmas.

so... i couldn't pass these up. the little matching shirt and pants set will be real cute with a sweater or something when it gets chilly. (lori -- it's baby nay!) and i have light pink tights with ruffles on the booty AND white tights with red polka dots that will be perfect with the little fleece dress. and do i really have to say anything about the coat and hat? ah! SO CUTE!

hurry up, fall! i'm ready.

(what's funny is, i would wear all of these things if they came in adult sizes!)