i feel empty tonight. i feel like a failure. i know You're probably tired of hearing me complain so i apologize. it's been a little rough lately.
why is it that an overwhelmingly large part of my heart and mind knows i need You in order to maintain a second of righteousness or worthiness, but i continue to watch myself fall to look for satisfaction in worldly things?
over and over. without fail. i fail without fail.
i'm not writing about anything specific here. there's not one blaring sin. that i can think of, anyway. it's a mindset. my mind is weak. it constantly strays.
if only i were better at keeping up the house... if only i were better handling the money... if only i were skinner... if only i were a better mother... if only i were a better wife... if only i were a better friend, sister, daughter... if only i could shop and buy nice clothes... if only i were on top of things at work... if only i hadn't done this or that... if only i HAD done that or this.. if only i were a better child of Yours.
i know You're tired of hearing it. You have to be.
i know i am.
annoyed. discouraged. disgusted.
i feel empty and a mess, and i hear You speak softly, Your arms wrap me strong, the one true Father...
"I will never tire of you, my love. lean into Me. don't lose an ounce. forget your money -- who you owe and who owes you. laundry? what laundry? oh, My child... I have so much more for you. don't allow life to steal your joy. this is temporary. I have conquered the world. My grace is enough. you are redeemed."
i wish i didn't keep forgetting. the lump in my throat is hard and painful. my tears are hot.
slowly You unwind me.
"shhhhhh... I have no forsaken you. I will not."
my heart breaks over and over. i want to go home. i long for home. where my flesh will never again attempt to escape Your presence. i will dance boldly before You with a gladness i have but only glimpsed.
until then, my King, i beg your forgiveness and heave heavy sighs as Your mercy falls upon me once again.
i need You.
and You come to cradle me soundly to sleep tonight. You always come.
even as i fail without fail, You never fail.
hallelujah.
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4 comments:
Sarah~ I feel a connection in what you are feeling... For the past several months or so I feel as though I fail God and I try to take my own wisdom, which isn't much compared to His, and do the tasks I have before me...it doesn't work and I fail. I get discouraged and feel as if I should just hide under my pillow and not come out ever again...but then God starts speaking to me.... softly...and then I begin coming out from what I feel is my safe place to be... He brings me out and He does like you say...He wraps His loving arms around me and I once again TRUST who He is and what I can do with Him...and only Him. I realize...I can't do it without Him. These are what I call my tough times...when I try to take things into my own hands and not trust what He has for me, because I fear. But I was told once that the tough times are the times in which God is preparing us and our hearts for something that He has for us. Sounds crazy, but I have actually seen how going through the tough times in my life and struggling with God has prepared me for the next step in life that God has for me...it's crazy, but I see everyday just how faithful He is even though I know I'm never worthy of what He has for me. I love you and will keep you in my prayers. I know God is preparing you for His next step in your great adventure. Can't wait to see where He takes you...I definately know that He will bless you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
~Jerimiah 29:11-13
I so needed to read something like this. It spoke to me so much. Thank you for sharing this. I feel so very much the same way. So much a failure.
The line, "Don't let life steal your joy away."
It has stolen mine. It won't anymore.
It can't.
Thank you for this beautiful perfection. You are amazing.
written like the true writer you are. this is so beautiful and so needed. i think when God speaks to you, it's for you to share with other people. as i was reading that, it felt so real, so perfectly spoken to me. i know God is using you in ways you do not know. thank you, Jesus, for comforting my sister and for comforting all of us through my sister. you are amazing and so is your creation...seph.
This line spoke to me as well, "Don't let life steal your joy away." Life has a way of taking every bit of our joy and stomping it into the ground.
Pastor actually used this verse on Wednesday...A glad heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22. Thanks for opening up. Life can be so overwhelming.
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