i feel empty tonight. i feel like a failure. i know You're probably tired of hearing me complain so i apologize. it's been a little rough lately.
why is it that an overwhelmingly large part of my heart and mind knows i need You in order to maintain a second of righteousness or worthiness, but i continue to watch myself fall to look for satisfaction in worldly things?
over and over. without fail. i fail without fail.
i'm not writing about anything specific here. there's not one blaring sin. that i can think of, anyway. it's a mindset. my mind is weak. it constantly strays.
if only i were better at keeping up the house... if only i were better handling the money... if only i were skinner... if only i were a better mother... if only i were a better wife... if only i were a better friend, sister, daughter... if only i could shop and buy nice clothes... if only i were on top of things at work... if only i hadn't done this or that... if only i HAD done that or this.. if only i were a better child of Yours.
i know You're tired of hearing it. You have to be.
i know i am.
annoyed. discouraged. disgusted.
i feel empty and a mess, and i hear You speak softly, Your arms wrap me strong, the one true Father...
"I will never tire of you, my love. lean into Me. don't lose an ounce. forget your money -- who you owe and who owes you. laundry? what laundry? oh, My child... I have so much more for you. don't allow life to steal your joy. this is temporary. I have conquered the world. My grace is enough. you are redeemed."
i wish i didn't keep forgetting. the lump in my throat is hard and painful. my tears are hot.
slowly You unwind me.
"shhhhhh... I have no forsaken you. I will not."
my heart breaks over and over. i want to go home. i long for home. where my flesh will never again attempt to escape Your presence. i will dance boldly before You with a gladness i have but only glimpsed.
until then, my King, i beg your forgiveness and heave heavy sighs as Your mercy falls upon me once again.
i need You.
and You come to cradle me soundly to sleep tonight. You always come.
even as i fail without fail, You never fail.