today was a rough day. i questioned lots of things and cried about a few more. i felt like i wasn't cutting it and wondered if i have what it takes. but after some great suggestions and helpful encouragement (read: therapy) from my mom, i determined to be present for the evening.
i am often distracted and exhausted when i come home from school, and way too frequently i wish away the small amount of time i have with my children. "go play," i say, as i glance at the clock, wondering how much longer until bed. i am not proud to admit it. but it's true. i tend to disengage from them after hours of constant contact with 80 12-year-olds who count on me to answer questions and solve problems and hear complaints. i feel overwhelmed and just...long...for...silence. i either zone out or fill my head with more worry and urgency over everything that still needs to be done.
but talking to my mom today and this morning's Word from the Lord has me realizing that my children's noise is really at the bottom of what drives me. i really want the opposite of their silence. i just need to intentionally pursue it. to be there. my deepest desire is to be their guide and confidant. to be the safe place they can be themselves. to be the hands of God as He molds and shapes them for His glory.
so i breathed whispered prayers and praises for the blessings they are on the way home. and when i got there i cooked. i hugged. i read books. i listened. i cuddled. i played outside. i prayed. i touched. i redirected. i encouraged. i bathed.
i know i'll be in this place 1,000 times again before much time passes, wondering if what i have is worthwhile or just plain falls short. is there any hope that i can get this right?
well, no. not on my own. but with Him? yes!
He speaks boldly through paul in 2 corinthians, saying: "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. "
HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH!