i type this with the heaviest of all eyelids.

i have been hired as a long-term sub for the remainder of the year. in a spanish classroom that was teacher-less because the guy they had was so bad they fired him in the middle of the year with no backup plan. he was apparently a terrible bully and has been gloating for years that he fails the majority of his students. i don't think that's the point, buddy. teach them; don't crush them under your thumb and laugh an evil laugh. i'm not even a teacher, and i know that. i'm at a high school that's 40 minutes away from my house. with a full, seven-period day. with no lesson plans.

sleepy. exhausted. dog-tired.

i have a minor in spanish, which means i was the most qualified person they could locate on such short notice.

i have more to write about this, but i truly cannot form thoughts coherent enough to convey anything helpful. but because i feel strangely like i owe you, internet, an explanation of major changes in my life, i'm going to type random phrases associated with my feelings about this situation.

• i want to nurse my baby.
• i want my baby to learn NOT to nurse every two hours at night.
• i need more sleep.
  
• eating relaxes me and makes pumping profitable.
• eating every time i pump is not profitable for my weight-loss goals.
• is pumping in the car in a high school parking lot weird?
• is pumping while driving illegal? does the answer to that question change when the driving is on a super straight road where i see one car every 10 minutes?
  
• 40 miles feels like a road trip. i always get snacks on road trips.
• two road trips a day times however many days are left in the school year equals lots and lots of snacks.
• too many snacks.
  
• i'm not fluent in spanish. i *think* i can convey basic concepts, which is all i'm being asked to do.
  
• the kids have not retained any spanish they've learned so far this year. should i start from the beginning?
  
• i want to teach writing.
• i want to make the most of this opportunity.
• i like the kids a lot.
• changing careers is exhausting. lots of paperwork and procedure and complicated blah.
  
• all the kids have district-issued macbook laptops. their books are on their laptops in .pdf files. super cool.
• i love the junior high kids the most. i have one class of them. eighth-graders. they're smart. and participatory. talkative, but engaged. i just like j. high kids the best. weird, i know.
• i really miss my babies during the day. they're so far away. and i come home, am with them for three hours, their fussiest of the day, then they're asleep. doesn't seem quite right.
• it has been confirmed that gray nurses mostly for comfort. i've left him bottles that i've worried would not contain enough milk. he's never finished all the bottles. stinkin' mama's boy.
• is this an answer to prayer? the esther study seemed to speak most directly to a specific issue of provision in my life, and, without any forethought, i prayed that i was believing God for an answer to my mentioned-many-times problem in the last week of the study. it ended tuesday. thursday this principal called me from out...of...the...blue.
• but it's so complicated. could this be the Lord when there are so many loose ends flapping?
• landon said "God's blessings don't always come wrapped in pretty packages."
• but i'm so tired! pretty packages are less exhuasting.
• crystal and jenny both found someone for their kids rather quickly. i had mine worked out pretty darn fast too. is He tying up the loose ends?
• i'm so tired!
• did i mention i'm tired?
• tired is an understatement.
• pray, people.
• pray.