Aiming for progress, not perfection.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

manic.

that's what i am today. i started out feeling fresh and energetic, but became annoyed that i couldn't do more in the garage. then i got very sad. like crying and crying and crying. then i felt a pretty substantial contraction around 11. then i convinced myself i was in labor. so i was excited! i contracted until about 3:30 -- all this time with some tragic, sinus pressure, nose dripping, sneezing allergy -- when the conclusion was made that i should go into the doctor to be checked. i knew it wasn't close to time, but i felt like maybe i was going and wanted to give landon time to get here from maypearl if so. i head out to the doctor only to get a call that says she is at the hospital delivering a baby. she wants me to meet her there. i REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to avoid going to the hospital 'cause they always make you do an hour's worth of paperwork and question-answering and then insist they watch you for two hours even though they knew darn good and well when you walked in all calm that you weren't in labor. at least not ready-for-the-hospital labor. but i went anyway 'cause i thought maybe we could skip that since i was just meeting the doctor. no such luck. all the annoying crap ensued, and i pretty much cried for the entire experience out of annoyance with myself and the fact that as soon as i was naked under that dumb hospital gown with monitors beeping and nurses looking smug the contractions literally ceased. the doctor did check me, and i'm dilated to a 1, and i'm 25 percent effaced. i was never dilated until i went into labor with ellie, but i was 80 percent effaced in my last checkups. so. i have no idea what that information means regarding when the baby will come. all i know is that it's not now. the contractions have subsided, and gray has resumed his nightly boxing practice against my ribcage and pelvis all at once. my mom says -- and she's probably right -- that i'm just stressed about landon not being here and the possibility of going into labor alone, so much so that i worked myself into consistent false labor contractions. ugh. now my eyes are super sore and swollen, my sinus pressure has not been relieved and i still can't stop sneezing. and i got everyone all riled up for nothing. (i have experience with this. twice.) but i am glad that landon will not miss his son's birth. and that i still have some more time alone with ellie. and i still have some time to wait for gray's homecoming outfit that's yet to arrive. and that i can order his car seat and not have to use ellie's dirty one until his gets here. and that i have yet another chance to get my dishes done before i bring home a newborn.

see?

manic.

6 comments:

Meems said...

awww. I'm sorry you had such a tough day. There is not one Momma here who doesn't understand what it's like at the end.

Natalie said...

oh honey dont beat yourself up. youre just stressed and worried and ready to meet your boy.

no_iffer said...

Those smug nurses ARE totally annoying! I mean, seriously. it's not like you wanted to be there. You're just doing what you needed to do. If it makes you feel any better, they were smug to me when I actually was in labor! I'll go beat em up for you.

I think I felt like you did here but with far less grace every day of Grant's baking time. The night before I delivered I almost killed my husband for having the audacity to ask me to turn off a light. It's just tough growing babies. But, pretty soon, he'll be all snuggly and perfect in your arms and this manic day will be a distant memory... until then, just eat brownies. That's what I did. They can fix almost anything: )

Kelly P said...

I love you Darling.

kablot spot said...

Well, it will be over soon. (Spoken in a tone that only someone who has NOT been almost 13.5 months pregnant with a seemingly 15 lb. baby could ever use in good conscience.)I'm just kidding, actually.

I will say that "someone" close to me that will remain nameless for their protection was a VERY unhappy full-term pregnant woman. I've never seen the likes of that in another human in any condition. It was the stuff urban legends are made of, except true. She, too, recovered fully to her normal self.

So there is hope.

kablot spot said...

You might not want to post that last comment for MY protection. Hehe!