Aiming for progress, not perfection.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


this headline is a little late. i've been ready for at least a week, if not more.

ellie is pressing down and taking up any and all room in my body. pretty soon she's going to start squeezing into my arms and legs, i swear.

i went to the doctor today, and she measured my belly. it was 36 cm. she said, "your uterus is all the way up under your ribs" at the same time as she told me "the baby is very low."

no kidding.

she double-checked to be sure the baby's head is down. it is. it was two weeks ago.

my cervix is not dialated, but she said it's "shortened." apparently, that is progress as well. mom and delana both told me they were never dialated until they went into labor. so, i'm trying not to be disappointed that i'm still closed up there.

i can't concentrate on anything else. i can't walk. working is hard. i can't think of any upcoming event without thinking "ellie will be here by then" or "i hope ellie is here by then" or "will ellie be here by then?"

and there are other questions that cannot be answered until she gets here. will we make it without my paycheck on maternity leave? how long does it take for someone to lose 28 pounds plus the 20 she wished she didn't have before she got pregnant? will ellie be able to sleep OK with the man across the complex revving his motorcycle engine all the time? will she ride well in the car so i can drive the 4.5 hours to san angelo for kylah's wedding week when she's only three weeks old? how long will it hurt "down there" afterward? will doc be OK with the baby? will we be able to pay off our debt with a baby? will we be able to make it with two, old, two-door cars? will these stretch marks move lower and out of plain sight once the baby is out?

it's consuming me. understandable, i suppose, but if we have three more weeks to go, i'm going to go crazy at this pace.

well, i got a comment on my "slumber party" post from this girl, angie, who is some relation or friend or friend of a relation to natalie, or something. she also has a blog. a great blog, i think. she's got three daughters who are all extremely beautiful. and she has a passion for her girls that i've admired since before i got pregnant. i'm getting close to understanding where she's coming from.

she was really responding to my complaints of pelvic pain in the post from last night, but this is the part of the comment that hit me the hardest:

"...good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. i know it's hard, especially in pain, but try to cherish every moment."

the "try to cherish every moment" part especially.

when i sit back and think about it, i've gone from being obsessively in love with the fact that i was pregnant and hardly even thinking about the time when the baby would actually be born to, at times, begging for it to be over. (ask landon. one of the things he hears most right now is, "take it out.")

there's no question i'm ready to meet my precious daughter and begin life with her outside my womb, but tonight, my prayer has changed from "take it out" to "grant me patience; help me enjoy this."

once ellie comes out, she'll never be inside me again. i'll never feel her baby hiccups and smile because we're the only ones who know. i'll never get to sit on the couch, tell her daddy to watch and see his eyes light up as his child's body makes his wife's belly move from the inside. i'll never get to marvel at God's miracle of my first child as she's growing inside me.

i have decades to enjoy ellie as my child outside my body.

at least for tonight, i'm going to enjoy her as she grows her lungs just a little more, strengthens her muscles just a little more and becomes the angel i'm going to meet very soon.

tonight i'm going to enjoy her inside my body.

so soon it will be over.

take your time, ellie. i'm doing my best to patiently wait. i love you, and you're worth every ache and pain i'm enduring to carry you.

what an honor to carry a magnificent child of God. my baby. my daughter.

my ellie.

1 comment:

Natalie said...

angie is eight kinds of wonderful. her husband, ryan, was the ring-bearer in my parent's wedding when he was four. they have been friends of my family forever. i adore her and her insanely beautiful family.

on another note... i hope you start feeling better, i cant imagine how you feel, but i know you will miss having ellie inside you. so angie's right, try to enjoy it because time passes too quickly and we'll look up and ellie will be grown. love you much and cant wait to see you on sunday.