i think someone added extra minutes to today because in those extra minutes, i have managed to find the time to become extremely weepy this afternoon.
i don't know if maybe it's the halloween weekend, which itself isn't that meaningful to me, but when it passes it will officially be the holiday season. thanksgiving...christmas...coming. and i'm in pain over it.
i'm sad that i don't have time to do things i love to do. i feel like i just exist right now. so many realms of my life that are typically so important have just evaporated.
poof. gone. no mas.
i feel skeletal without them.
can you see through me?
because the spot that's usually filled with conversations with friends is empty. my etsy-perusing, idea-compiling spot? not there. the she-does-do-at-least-minimal-housework spot is definitely mia. the ocassional-cooked-at-home-meals spot? lost. the taking-photos-of-babies-to-post-on-the-blog spot needs serious cpr.
i feel like moments with the babies seem bittersweet because they are so rare, because i know so many moments are going on void of my audience. i inhale them with desperation when they happen, all while fighting the urge to be annoyed because the babies seem only to fuss unless they are both in my arms from the moment i walk in to the moment they go to bed.
why am i annoyed by that? what is wrong with me?!
***
always, always, i dream of sweet-smelling, calm holidays. ones filled with fun, creative family activities and yummy-yet-simple meals cooked at home that fill bellies to happy. i dream of making extra chicken chili and finding the time to drop it off at a busy friend's house. i dream of glittery, toddler-decorated winter garlands for the mantle and homemade applesauce and pecan pies.
how will i do that? when? i can't even gather the inclination to find the glitter, let alone orchestrate the seemingly momumental task of getting ellie to sprinkle it on paper snowflakes.
***
forgive my lament. it's just that i feel see-through.
and it's cold being a skeleton. i need to get warm.
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5 comments:
i'm right there with you.
this retreat couldn't come at a better time. although i'm having a rough time with the thought of leaving my babies, i need the time.
we all do.
let's hope and pray for total peace and refreshment from The One who provides.
and i'd gladly volunteer to be the recipient of that chicken chili, if you ever find the time. :)
I know this is hard baby girl, but you will find a routine soon...
and until then, a glimmer of hope...winter break!
I felt/feel this way my first year too. It's just so hard to balance everything. You want to be the best teacher, the best mom, the best wife, but that's just darn impossible sometimes! And, sometimes I have this very selfish, "i just want to do something just for me" emotion. Like a craft project!
For what it's worth, I think you're doing an amazing job! Amazing! And Marme's right, eventually you'll find a routine and it will just work.
And I promise, next year will be a million times better. You'll be amazed what a second year teacher's life is like. :)
And we need to hang out!
Let's think of some Christmas Project to do together? :)
My heart breaks for you. I'm having a hard time keeping it together and that's while staying home. I can't imagine how hard it is to be a working mom when you're heart is at home with your kids. Just keep in mind, thanksgiving break and winter break are just around the corner.
I don't know how you moms do it! I thought for sure that once I stopped working so many hours, I would be the perfect student with the best grades because I had so much time to study and do projects while keeping a spotless abode, being the best part time employee and voluteering my extra time at the church or the hospice.....not so much.
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