i think someone added extra minutes to today because in those extra minutes, i have managed to find the time to become extremely weepy this afternoon.
i don't know if maybe it's the halloween weekend, which itself isn't that meaningful to me, but when it passes it will officially be the holiday season. thanksgiving...christmas...coming. and i'm in pain over it.
i'm sad that i don't have time to do things i love to do. i feel like i just exist right now. so many realms of my life that are typically so important have just evaporated.
poof. gone. no mas.
i feel skeletal without them.
can you see through me?
because the spot that's usually filled with conversations with friends is empty. my etsy-perusing, idea-compiling spot? not there. the she-does-do-at-least-minimal-housework spot is definitely mia. the ocassional-cooked-at-home-meals spot? lost. the taking-photos-of-babies-to-post-on-the-blog spot needs serious cpr.
i feel like moments with the babies seem bittersweet because they are so rare, because i know so many moments are going on void of my audience. i inhale them with desperation when they happen, all while fighting the urge to be annoyed because the babies seem only to fuss unless they are both in my arms from the moment i walk in to the moment they go to bed.
why am i annoyed by that? what is wrong with me?!
always, always, i dream of sweet-smelling, calm holidays. ones filled with fun, creative family activities and yummy-yet-simple meals cooked at home that fill bellies to happy. i dream of making extra chicken chili and finding the time to drop it off at a busy friend's house. i dream of glittery, toddler-decorated winter garlands for the mantle and homemade applesauce and pecan pies.
how will i do that? when? i can't even gather the inclination to find the glitter, let alone orchestrate the seemingly momumental task of getting ellie to sprinkle it on paper snowflakes.
forgive my lament. it's just that i feel see-through.
and it's cold being a skeleton. i need to get warm.
Aiming for progress, not perfection.
"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."