"jump!"

tonight, after a long nap and pizza for dinner, i piled the babies in the car to run the last few errands on my list. though i will have to make one sure-to-be-insane stop at heb, i wanted to keep christmas eve as calm as is possible. heh.

landon had gone to work about an hour earlier so i was alone with ellie and gray. i was putting gray in the car as ellie dawdled along on her merry way. this is our typical m.o. when getting to the car. i can't carry two children at once so i move quickly to snap gray's seat into his base while ellie walks down to the steps at the far end of the porch. i get gray in the car by the time she has come down the steps and is walking toward the car. i scoop her up as she tries to sprint into the street on a mission to see the "peety wites" at the neighbor's house up close and personal.

today, however, was different.

she didn't just step carefully down the steps like she usually does. she got to the second step and noticed, though it's been there for some time, an enticing pile of leaves at the bottom.

i saw her bend her knees and contemplate it.

i said, "be careful, baby."

she said, "jump!"

i said, "be careful, baby."

she said, "jump!"

she jumped. and she fell.

it was one of those slow motion moments when you know what's going to happen -- and you know it's gonna be bad -- but you know you can't get there in time to stop it.

i rushed over to her and held her as she cried.

and then i started to cry.

the tears came on suddenly as i thought about how there will be many moments in ellie's life when i'm watching her move toward a bad decision. i'll watch her bend her knees as she gets ready to jump. i'll warn her to be careful. she'll ignore my warnings. i'll look on helplessly as she falls and begins to cry, hurt by what i told her was going to hurt. and then i'll cry too. extra hard because i knew it was gonna turn out bad.

is it too much to hope that afterward, like today, she'll let me hold her and kiss it all better?