the long and winding road.

i've been wrestling with the possibility of starting down a "long and winding road" lately. it's a journey i started once before that ended with closed doors. i quickly realized that those doors were closed because the doors of relocation would be opened. as in, our move to san angelo. even though i know why the doors were closed, i can't help but be slightly discouraged regarding this particular "road." even though the reasons for the end of that road were obvious and good, it still wasn't pleasant while i endured it in the unknown.

as a result, i've been hemming and hawing, moaning and groaning and generally putting off this journey that continues to present itself as the best possible option for our situation as it stands.

"what if this," "what if that," "it won't work because," "i can't if," "it will be too hard because," etc. etc.

you get the picture.

but, through the continued presentation of the possibility through a variety of outlets, an encouraging conversation this evening and a few, if rare, moments of clarity in which i think, "so this is what it means to take a leap of faith," i've decided to officially move my feet in the direction of the road.

there are many doors that God will have to swing open as i approach. (i'd really appreciate if He didn't allow early doors to open if He only plans to close later ones. one of my biggest concerns is that i'll do lots of "winding" only to be shut down after months and months of work.) but if He will open, i will walk through.

nervously, i'll walk.

you know, if i can manage to contain the big baby in me that wants to worry and fuss and generally stomp around saying, "i don't wanna."

as i've mentioned in previous posts, i find myself growing these last few months. and, as painful as it is, i'm realizing that when there's something i can't shake from my heart and soul, as much as my mind tries to reason it out as a terrible idea, it is often what God is calling me to step out and do.

so here's to first steps.
to baby steps.
to the possibility that there's an answer at the end of this long, and winding road.
i've been waiting so long for an answer.
and as much as i'm scared of the road, i can't bear the thought of missing the answer.

so road, here i come. as i walk, i ask God for the promise He made in isaiah 42:16:

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. these are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."