untitled.

i always find myself writing blogs here about things that bother me, hurt me or stress me out.

then i always end them with something like, "i know God will work it out!!!"

and i do know that. i do. but this blog, i'm warning you in advance, is not going to end that way.

God's OK with me just being stressed out, right?

truth is, i'm feeling depressed. i think it's 'cause i need a job. it's either that or the fact that i'm having another baby.

yep. do the double take. is your neck alright? you read that right. i'm 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

i think most of you who are reading this already know that. if you don't, now you do.

being pregnant adds more stress to the job situation. 'cause if i did get a job offer (that asu one is STILL pending... there are no more words), should i tell them before they hire me that i'm pregnant? or wait until i'm in and say, "uh.. oh yeah, i'm gonna be needing a few weeks off in about 7 months."

i don't want to be dishonest, but i also don't want to ruin my chances of getting a job.

**insert "God has it handled" reference here and some things about doors and windows opening and closing**

so... pregnant. nauseous and tired. i never was nauseous with ellie, but i remember being a lot more tired. i've told several people that i think that's because tired has a new definition after having one child.

if you haven't guessed from the tone, this was not planned. i'll save you the specific details of how it ended up, but it wasn't on purpose. believe me. something about a lack of money, a lack of thinking and a large amount of fertility.

i've given myself several pep talks about this. saying, "i'm not going to act depressed or upset or anything less than thrilled. i don't want people to remember that i was pissed about this pregnancy."

i'm doing well, aren't i?

i did order these super cute tickets that announce that ellie is going to be a big sister. and i'm reading a journal my friend amy gave me to find out what's happening with my baby every day.

OK.. some days i'm not totally depressed. most days i'm not, actually. i think it will be good for these two to be so close together (18 months...). hopefully we'll avoid much jealousy, and they'll just have always been. together. you know. and of course the thought of bringing a new life into the world and cradling him (wishful thinking here...) to sleep is a wonderful one.

but my current baby is still just a baby. and i'm still fat from her. and... i have no job. no insurance.

landon is...well...sorta the same as me. though i think for different reasons. he doesn't feel prepared for another baby. he didn't feel prepared for ellie, and i think he was looking forward to at least feeling a smidge more prepared for this one.

**insert "you're never prepared" comment here. and something about "you weren't a surprise to God."**

i'm sorry for the cynicism. i really am. it's just that in this moment, i am cynical. the thought of a pregnancy different from the last one makes me scared for some reason. my memory and knowledge of child bearing is going to change. and lots of change is just hurting my feelings right now. i won't be pregnant with amy and penny and kelly. i won't have the baby at medical center of plano. dr. ferrara won't be my doctor. landon won't come to every appointment. insurance statements from humana won't come in the mail. i won't be the fattest pregnant in the winter.

the baby is due in august. august. AUGUST!!!!!! that means month seven is june. month eight is july. and month nine is august.

deep breaths... in and out...

i'll try swearing now that i won't wear maternity shorts. but i bet i do. i'll try to stay holed up in my house in those unfortunate times. for the sake of the town of san angelo and those who dare to cross its borders this summer.

i'm not feeling an end to this. so i better force it. i have a lot of laundry to do, and ellie's probably going to be up from her nap soon. i will have missed my golden opportunity to shower.

whiney post ends....now.

wait...one more thing.

the age old question for second-time mothers-to-be....do i have room in my heart to love another as much as i love the first?

i'm scared.