so angela hates me. and other random thoughts.

do you see how late it is? it's 1:17 a.m. i'm in dallas. yes, i did get to go to the cowboys game yesterday with my honey. yes, you should be jealous. or, if you wish, hate me as angela does. though i will tell you that i had to dance with the cheerleaders to stay warm. it was stinkin cold. oh, my goodness. i made a very poor choice in footwear, and it is a miracle i still have all my toes. i saw kelly clarkson. i saw touchdowns by t.o. i saw rain and sleet and my handsome husband in a hat. he tried his best to keep me warm. the couple times he went to the bathroom it was markedly colder. his presence does keep me warm.

i'm feelin nostalgic tonight. i'm not sure if it's because i hung out with some old friends. or because i miss 45 mph speed limits. or because i miss seeing cars pouring into american airlines center for stars and mavs games. or because i miss my dallas radio stations. or because i'm realizing how far i have to go to become the person i'm called to be. sometimes i miss the days when i didn't realize how far i have to go.

i think it's the last one. i have so far. it seems an insurmountable gap. i fail over and over. in small things. in large things. i fail as a mother. a wife. a friend. i don't deserve the blessings that abound in my life. i continue to disappoint. and it breaks my heart. but i do it anyway. and it's never worth it. what seems in a moment worth it never is. a bad attitude. a rash action. a harsh word. i immediately regret.

i am the recipient of forgiveness undeserved. for that i am thankful. i don't know what i did to be so lucky. but i am. somehow those closest to me give me chance after chance after i do those things that disappoint them. it's overwhelmeing to think about, really.

there's this song by jodee messina. it's called silver thunderbird. it reminds me of my daddy. "the man with the plan and a pocket comb." "got up every morning while i was still asleep. i remember the sound of him shuffling around. right before the crack of dawn, is when i heard him turn his motor on. and when i got up they were gone. down the road in the rain and snow, the man and his machine would go. oh, the secrets that old car would know."

sorry. more nostalgia for you.

nostalgia is such a difficult emotion that i am all too familiar with. i suppose everyone is. change is constant. so nostalgia should be the same.

i guess the cure is a window into the future. the hope that the best is still in front of us. those things that we long for most are not what is behind. they are ahead.

tonight i'll choose to focus there.

and hope angela doesn't hate me forever. at least i didn't get tickets to the green bay game, ang... it could be worse, right?