a new inspiration.

i'm sitting in ellie's nursery watching her sleep. she's wearing a pink and green sleeper with cows on it. i love how she holds her hands near her face when she sleeps.

i was sitting in church saturday (ellie too), and pastor gerald told a story about his wife, geni, and his oldest daughter, wendi. the sermon was about being wise with your words and the power they hold. the story was about a day when geni was totally worn out by the kids to the point she was feeling ill. she was laying on the couch, and wendi saw how her mommy wasn't feeling good. they lived across the street from a vacant lot at the time, so wendi traipsed over to pick, what she thought, were some flowers to make her mom feel better. when wendi pulled them proudly out from behind her back, geni responded without thinking: "those aren't flowers! those are weeds!"

as gerald said, geni turned wendi's flowers into weeds with just a few words.

as a result of this sermon, specifically, and everything lately, i am constantly pouring over the opportunity landon and i have with this little girl sleeping soundly in front of me right now.

there is an entire life waiting to be filled with experiences, and we have so much to do with how those turn out.

i realize that ellie is free to make her own choices, and so are other people. there are things she will do and things that will happen to her that are beyond our control.

but there are so many things we can do.

because of the chance i have to live a godly example for the most precious child born to this earth, i am inspired anew.

it feels like a chance to start over. past mistakes are unknown to ellie.

of course, i'll make more. millions more. just like geni did when she called wendi's flowers weeds.

but i have the chance to do something great in raising a child of God. is there a more honorable charge?

because of ellie i want to be a better writer. i want to be a better wife. i want to be a better homemaker, driver, friend, singer, daughter, sister, lover, coworker.

most of all, i want to be closer to Jesus because of ellie. i want to fill my heart with Him so those things that overflow and pour into her life are full of His love.

i want to hide the Word in my heart so that when she has troubles, or praises, i have a verse to encourage her. i want to be a wise woman she wants to model her life after.

she's just so beautiful.

i know i've grossly overused that adjective in the two weeks she's been alive, but there's nothing that comes closer to explaining this child with whom we've been so undeservedly blessed.

there are just so many possibilities that lay before her. though i'd like to more than anything, i realize i won't be able to protect her from all the heartache that comes along with all the joy of this life on earth.

all i'm asking is that God will give me what i need to take this inspiration in my heart and use it to help ellie through that heartache and joy to make it to eternity with Him in heaven.

that's all.

help me, Jesus. i humbly bow before You with this child You've give me cradled in my arms. i give her back to You with pleas for Your perfect help in raising her to love You with all her heart.

this is my greatest desire.

ellie's first trip to the movies.

you didn't think it'd be long, did you? landon lasted less than two weeks before he wanted to take her. we went yesterday afternoon to see 'music & lyrics.' it was cute. i saved the ticket stub to put in her baby book. she slept the whole time, and since her daddy will be watching her on mondays once i go back to work, this was probably the first of many, many monday afternoon trips to tinseltown. love it.

today is ellie's two-week birthday.

here are some pictures to celebrate.

she already loves to shop. see?

the ever-popular tummy time. what pretty eyes. and toes.

looking beautiful in an outfit grama bought her. yes, the blanket coordinates. so sweet.

i had to post two so you could see her lovely face.

resting at lunch sunday after hearing her daddy preach for the first time. she was awake the whole time he was speaking. she thinks he's a great preacher. this little sweater was hand-knit for her by my gramma -- her gigi. have you ever seen anything more adoreable?

landon, doc and ellie resting last night.

mffl with aunt lolly in the jersey i used to tell landon we were pregnant.

SHE came out of THERE?!

i posted tons of pictures of my belly while ellie was still cooking in there, so i thought i'd show you what it looks like now.

OK... i'm sort of cheating with this shirt. empire waist and flowy hides a lot. so... i tucked it in a little. here's what it really looks like:

i weighed myself for the first time since i had ellie today, and i weigh four pounds more than i did when i got pregnant. thing is, i had 20 pounds to lose before i got pregnant.

so...24 to go.

wish me luck.

the perfect outfit for the perfect wedding.

i found an outfit for ellie for kylah's wedding! i think it's so beautiful. it's elegant. it's ivory and green. it's comfortable. and it fits pretty well right now with just enough room for her to grow in the next two weeks.

two weeks!?

my sister (in-law) is getting married in two weeks! yeah!

*note* ellie was very hungry when i put her in this to take pictures. i wanted to take them before she ate in case she spit up she wouldn't get it dirty. well, as i soon as i put her in it, she pooped - big time. i was praying that she didn't leak on the thing. otherwise, i was gonna freak out. thank goodness she didn't. the dress is still spotless.

quotes from daddy.

ellie was sleeping on my chest, and landon came to kiss her. it was so candid and perfect. he just looked at her and burst out with this without even thinking.

"everything is just so much more exciting now! she makes everything more exciting."

then later when i reminded him he said that:

"seriously, when i'm walking in the door, i remember she's in there. i get so excited. you just feel like you're doing something worthwhile. we're making a difference -- now more than ever."

yesterday after he said, "she's eating again?!" and laughed for awhile when i said, "yeah, i feel like a cow."

"and what an honorable job. when she goes to princeton you'll be able to say, 'i breastfed her.'"

and last night as he was laying on the floor watching her sleep next to him - a simple:

"wow."

my famous love.

look here to see my newspaper's blog announcement of baby ellie.

she's so perfect.

one week ago today...ellie was born.

she's already bigger. i can tell she weighs more. she eats like a champ. she sleeps pretty great too. we've only had her for a week, but we can't imagine life without our daughter. we're parents. proud, proud parents.

here are some more photos of this week including some from her first bath last night. she was not a fan, if you couldn't tell.

(beware. there are lots of photos.)

sleeping with daddy on sunday night. he was really tired after staying up all night at winter blast.

looking beautiful during her first trip to grammie sue's house yesterday...

...still beautiful...

...and even still beautiful.

landon and ellie yesterday. when we were at mom's, he stayed with her while we went to wal-mart. his first time completely alone with his baby girl. they slept the whole time.

this white blanket was my mom's when she was a baby. ellie likes it.

last night during her first bath. she didn't like it.

one bit.

a little bit happier after being wrapped in a towel.

happy in her daddy's arms.

i think she looks so beautiful here. after a bath and dinner, she was very happy.

my angel.

happy birthday, molly!

today is my wonderful friend molly's birthday. she and nat are partyin' it up in austin right now. personally, i'm hoping there's a late-birthday dinner planned that i'm invited to. here she is holding ellie the day after she was born on valentine's day. she looks like a natural!

molly, you're a fantastic friend -- i'm so glad you're one of mine. i hope your birthday is great fun. we'll have to celebrate when you get back.

something lovely.

another one of kylah's bridesmaids, crystal, is administering the TAKS test to her students today, and she's been done for quite some time now. but the rule is everyone has to sit until the time alloted for the test expires. so... this is what she did to pass the time. isn't it lovely?

beauty.

sitting pretty on her homecoming day. this was right before she met aunt kylah.

ready for a trip to jason's deli on friday.

sunning yesterday to help her mild case of jaundice.

baby feet in the sun.

yesterday before shopping at ikea.

more sunning this afternoon in her "daddy's little valentine" outfit.

pretty baby smiles.

overwhelmed and unworthy.

the last five days since ellie was born have felt like one continuous day.

a wonderful, crazy, confusing, scary, exciting, amazing day.

don't get me wrong. she sleeps pretty dang well for a newborn. last night she woke up to eat at 4 a.m. and 7 a.m. that's almost unheard of.

but even if she isn't crying, i wake up throughout the night wondering when she'll need me next.

the day we brought her home from the hospital, i stood in her nursery, rocking her, and sobbed for a good 45 minutes straight.

i haven't cried for that long since then, but there's hardly an hour that passes that i don't have these overwhelming feelings of longing, fear, anticipation and 100 other things that make my throat close and my eyes well up.

it's happening now.

that day we came home i stood in her room, and thousands of things ran through my head. we'd worked so hard on her nursery, but suddenly it wasn't good enough. she deserves a palace with gold and jewels - fit for the princess that she is. every scary, sad, mean, upsetting thing that has every happened to me flooded my head, and i was devestatedly terrified that those things may happen to the most perfect baby i've ever seen. the thought of being in charge of raising her to be an adult sends a panic through me that i cannot explain. and all the while i was touching her tiny heel, so sad that i can remember just a few days ago when i could feel that heel poking me from the inside. my pregnancy is over. her birth is over. she'll never be inside me again.

and at the same time as all that, i'm sad that it won't ever be just landon and i again. i love him so much - i'm looking at him now - and i just wonder if we messed up by not spending more time alone with each other.

messed up?

what am i talked about?!?

i can't imagine my life without ellie. i kiss her lips and smell her over and over. if i keep falling in love with her like this every day, i will literally die from love.

has anyone ever died from love?

i'm on the verge, and the child is five days old.

and one more thing -- for every thing someone tells you to do regarding your child, there's someone else who is of the opposite opinion.

the result is you always feel like you're doing something wrong.

yesterday, we went with kylah and delana to ikea. in retrospect, it's probably a bad idea to take a newborn to ikea on a saturday, simply because it's mass chaos. but i was in the family bathroom (they have a little nursing area) feeding her when a lady smiled and asked me, "how old is she?" her smile faded when i said, "four days."

"what is she doing out?"

what do i say to that?

"oh, i'm hoping she catches a horrible disease and dies a terrible, ravaging death at only days old."

hello! just don't say stuff like that.

both my mom and mother-in-law told me they took their babies out just a few days after birth - they're like me, likely to go stir crazy after 24 hours without leaving the house - and we were fine. i don't know how people keep their babies inside for a month after having them. that would kill me. i'm too social or something. besides, i've heard that people who keep their babies away from people so long end up having sicker babies because they haven't been exposed to anything to built up an immunity.

well, then we went to the mall today, and someone said, "some people just don't know how to take care of themselves" when i told them how long ago i'd given birth.

i covered ellie up the rest of the trip. i didn't want anyone else to ask me how old she is, and make some comment or other.

i already feel like i can't do it. i don't need anyone else's help.

the first week of my maternity leave is almost over. i only have seven more weeks before i have to leave her for work every day. the thought makes me lose it.

i know a lot of this can be chalked up to postpartum hormones and what not, but it is very real to me.

i find myself imaging these horrible scenarios now too. pulling out in the car gives me a complete heart attack, imagining what would happen if someone hit us. we were eating at california pizza kitchen the other day, and i was terrified a waiter would drop a drink on her.

it's sort of ridiculous.

i guess the only way parents make it is to give up their children to God.

to just throw their hands up, plant their faces in the ground and say, "you have to watch over them."

otherwise, i don't know how any parent ever makes it.

ever.

ellie claire henry is the most precious, valuable thing, and the desperation i feel to try to keep her safe and happy is something this random, train-of-thought post has not come close to doing.

but all i can do is my best.

though it is far from enough, i promise, my baby ellie, to give it to you every day of your life.

you'll never know how much i love you.

it's impossible to explain.

it hurts. so much.

homecoming.

did you know it was possible to take this many photos on the way from a hospital room to the car? well, now you do. it is. she's a little yellow - she has a doctor's appointment at 8:45 tomorrow (...) morning to find out if it'll just go away by itself or she needs light therapy. the outfit i bought to bring her home in fits perfectly. it's a premie outfit. i didn't get the premie hat, however. you see that in the picture below - she looks like she's wearing a rain hat. her outerwear is all 0-3 months and HUGE. it was OK though. it kept her warm in the 20-something degree weather it was today. i know there are several photos of her in the carseat... but i think she's just adorable. i had to keep myself from documenting her first ride in an elevator. give me some credit.