summer and pregnant and emotional and stuff.

**warning: hormonal pregnant woman post. you will likely be exposed, 

without warning of the change, to several ridiculous, repetitive 

emotions that may or may not make you roll your eyes.**

the beginning of summer has always given me the blues.

i'm not quite sure why, though i believe it's just that part of me that insists on mourning the end of anything. summer always means the end of something so, i get the blues. even now.

i will gander a guess that my blues do have to do with several things that are legitimately ending and beginning in my life through the course of this summer.

casen is here for his last tuesday. his sweet baby smile made me sad this morning. it's the beginning of the first summer away from dallas, which will be a new experience. i think i've been missing my family a lot the past few days. and, quite possibly the biggest of them all, it's the beginning of the last 11 weeks of having ellie as my only child.

oh! i know you're groaning. me too! how many ways can a person write and rewrite that she is anxious about adding another child to her family? and how many ways can she write and rewrite that she knows how many other people have done it and that everything will be fine and yet still feel anxious? the kind with a big lump in your throat and the pit of your ever-bulging stomach that makes you wanna cry big, fat tears in bed all day long?

i'm sorry. freakin' unoriginal, boring blog material.

but i can't help it.

it isn't going to help that we're going to see the last of her baby story photos at ge today. i know they're great. they always are. and i'm just gonna bawl. crap.

i just really want to make our last weeks memorable. and then wanting that stresses me out. like i'm going to be expecting some monumental bonding experience when in all likeliness i'll be increasingly crabby, hot, irritated and just want to sit naked in front of a fan somewhere in total darkness.

i know i'm being neurotic and irrational.

but have you seen her? she's only the most beautiful child to have ever existed on planet earth. chubby cheeks and pouty lips and dark brown eyelashes that i could marvel at for hours.

OK. i've just had a sip of diet dr. pepper, and i know i can choose my attitude toward this.

i know things will go wonderfully. i really think quite a bit about how unbelievably thrilled i am to be having a son, and how wonderfully complete i believe my family will be when he arrives. while i'm dreading the sharing of my affections, i CANNOT wait to touch his precious face. i'm really excited to nurse again. i know i'll fall further in love with ellie when i realize what an amazing big sister she can be. i know they're going to be great friends.

it's freakin' summer, OK? let's go to the pool. maybe the chlorine will soak into my idiot brain and straighten me out.