provision.

i went to the doctor on tuesday. it was my six-week postpartum checkup. everything is in working order. good news.

more good news from that visit: the receptionist told us on the way out that our insurance had actually paid more than we thought. she said we'd be receiving a $450 refund check next month.

landon, looking super handsome in a dress slacks and a crisp white shirt, holding our baby, blurted out, "bless the Lord!" without even thinking.

it was a genuine praise that gleefully escaped his lips before he could think whether anyone would look at him funny.

those are the best kind. we laughed about it while waiting for the elevator, but it's such a precious, freeing thing to praise the Lord with abandon.

and believe me, we have reason to praise the Lord with abandon - wreckless abandon.

money was a source of much stress for me throughout my pregnancy because my maternity leave is unpaid. we weren't planning a baby, and i was wondering how we were going to make rent. nevermind buying things for a cute nursery.

but have you seen my nursery? it's stinkin adorable.

and here's the thing... this time i've been on maternity leave, we've had more money than we would've had if i'd been working. checks have come in left and right, everything culminating at just the time we need it. things have just been taken care of.

and during my pregnancy, man -- you guys know about how infinately blessed we were and continue to be with everything we could ever need for ellie.

we lack nothing; we are overflowing.

the Lord has been faithful to provide abundance i never could have imagined.

all i can do is fall tearfully to my knees and thank him for such goodness i do not deserve.

a picture is worth a thousand words...and a thousand dollars.

as i get older, my opinion on a few things has changed.

one of those is spending money.

in high school and college, spending money on lower quality things (mostly clothes) but getting more of them was ideal. now, spending more money but not having as many sounds so much better. that may simply be a result of the fact that cheap (read: junior's section) just doesn't look good on me anymore.

in the same vein, i think there are a few things in life worth spending a decent amount of money on.

one of those is photography for life's greatest events. my wedding photographer was one of the most important costs of my wedding because, while my wedding dress is in my closet, my flowers have long since died and most of my guests couldn't tell you whether the music was live or recorded, the pictures from the event are still on my coffee table as well as on the walls in more than one home. once your wedding is over, it's over. forever. you can't go back to it. and, in theory, there won't be another one. the photos are very important. spend the money.

well, your first child is only a newborn once. so when your mother-in-law offers to pay the sitting fee for an incredible four-session package at a really fabulous photographer - do it! sure, you'll have to travel to san angelo to have them made, and you'll have to pay excessively for the prints. but how many times is your first child a newborn?

once.

our appointment to see the proofs of ellie's first session in "a baby story" is tomorrow in san angelo. she and i are flying there to hang out for a couple days and check out the photos. landon can't come so the photographers posted a slideshow of the photos online so he could pick some favorites before i go to make the final decision.

can i just say, i would pay $5,000 for these photos. they are a-ma-zing. i can't get over it.

go here to see them.

and get your child's photos taken at great expectations in san angelo.

(clicking that link will take you to a page that requires you to download a plug-in to see the slideshow. it's OK. do it. and if you have a mac, it won't work. i'm sorry.)

sweet relief. or is it sweet release? no matter. both are highly appropriate here.

there are a couple of disclaimers i need to make before getting into the meat of this post.

the first one is i'm a complete bone head. soon enough, you will find out why.

the second one is that i hold no ill opinion of women who choose to feed their babies formula. i realize there are 1,001 different situations for moms, and in a lot of them, formula is the best option for both mom and baby. you thought high school was bad? wait until you become a mom. there has never been such judgement among people who should be each other's biggest cheerleaders.

****

i am breastfeeding ellie, and it is truly a miraculous experience. the child is breathtakingly beautiful every moment of every day, but i think she is most beautiful when she is nursing. watching her tiny jaw move, feeling her little baby lips against me, hearing the sweet noises she makes when she's swallowing - it's enough to make me raise my hands and praise the Lord for his perfect design. only i don't, 'cause i'm holding the baby, you know.

well, my plan has always been to pump after i return to work so ellie can have breastmilk for as long as she wants to eat it.

i was devastated to discover that i could not pump. i have a couple of sample cans of formula in my pantry that were sent to me while i was pregnant. i couldn't even look at them without getting teary-eyed.

i would pump for 20 minutes, and only .5 ounce would come out. she eats at least 4 ounces a feeding right now, and that will only increase.

then i tried hand-expressing my milk which yeilded me about 2 ounces at a time, but that was starting to hurt.

so yesterday i decided i would try to give her a formula bottle. just to see if she would take it. i tried similac (twice), and she literally gagged, choked and spit it all back at me. then last night at the eight o' clock feeding, i gave her infamil. she sucked that down like it was the greatest thing ever.

OK. good. at least i know she will actually drink the stuff. my child will not starve to death.

so since i didn't nurse her, i decided to try to pump. again.

at dinner at joe's the other day (the wine-drinking italians time), amy and i were discussing the pumping dilemma. she told me that the lowest speed and the highest suction work the best. i told her my pump only had speeds, no suction levels.

ha.

i pulled all my stuff out, got down on the floor and really looked at the pump. it most certainly does have suction levels. i put the shields on both sides, turned the suction high and put the speed on one.

that stuff came spraying out of there like nobody's business!

i pumped 4 ounces in 10 minutes!

i was on the floor of ellie's nursery, exclaiming, and landon was wondering what in the world happened.

not only did i totally miss the suction settings, i had been putting one shield on at a time without covering up the opening for the other side.

hello!!!! it's a double pump. the suction works together on both sides. basically i'd been trying to get milk with zero suction. no wonder it didn't work.

see? bone head. ay.

well, so i cleared off a whole shelf in my freezer last night because i'm gonna fill that baby up with milk for my precious angel.

thank goodness. that is one less thing i have to break my heart when i have to leave ellie in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS to go back to work.

Lord, help me.

"is she just that beautiful or have they had too much wine?"

so last night we went to see mike, penny and cade. he is so wonderful. he has a full head of dark hair, and his arms, legs and tummy look like he's been eating for weeks. that kid has a future in football if anyone does. his feet are huge, his hands are huge. he's just tough lookin, and he was born yesterday. i would have pictures if my child hadn't decided to scream starting about two minutes after we got there. seriously, i fed her at 6 so when we went to see the baby, she would be good. ha. she wanted to eat again at 7:30. reason and schedules are not easily communicated to infants. they just don't care.

so.. we were in there for about 20 minutes before the screaming had escalated beyond tolerable. we retreated quickly to the lobby for baby dinner No. 2, and all was well with the world. dave, amy, katelyn and noah & aaron and jeanette also came to visit around the same time. so landon, ellie and i hung out in the lobby until those guys were done. then we went to joe's for some adult dinner.

noah slept a lot of the time, but ellie was bright-eyed as she is more and more these days. landon and i took turns holding her while we were eating, and she just looked all around with her lovely blue eyes.

at one point, landon had her up over his shoulder, patting her back. i was down at the other end of the table, and the next time i looked up this large party of (i think) italians was huddled around landon's shoulder, exclaiming about how beautiful ellie is. seriously, there weren't just like, 'aw, cute baby!' on the way by. they were lingering there, several of them, just oohing and ahhing over her, touching her hands and her cheek and audibly complimenting her in their thick accents.

after about 10 minutes and the italians retreated back to their table, i leaned to landon and whispered, "is she just that beautiful or have they had too much wine?"

without blinking, smiling or otherwise indicating he was anything but serious as a heart attack, landon answered.

"she's just that beautiful."

cade is finally here!

my friend penny had her baby this morning! she was due yesterday. last night she sent me a text that her water broke, and they were on the way to the hospital. i hadn't heard anything by about 7:45 this morning until my other friend kayci texted me to tell me cade made his appearance. the only thing i know is he was 9 lbs., 13 ozs.... i know. penny is a saint. i'll post more details, and hopefully some photos when i get the chance.

for those of you who don't know, penny is married to mike. in september 2004, mike's entire family - three small boys, the youngest two-months-old, and his wife and his mother-in-law - was killed in a car accident on 75 when an 18-wheeler hit their suv on the way home from a shopping trip. penny is a beautiful woman who had been waiting patiently for God to send her a husband. she is the perfect wife to mike - so supportive and willing to remember his beautiful family that is now in heaven with Jesus. and now they have cade... cade is a miracle. i remember when they found out it was a boy. of course it's a boy...

God orchestrates the most beautiful things in this life - even out of sadness.

mike and penny decided to name the baby zachary cade. zachary, along with being mike's brother's name, means 'remember.' cade means 'pure.'

"remember the pure."

they didn't even know that's what it meant before they picked it.

see what i mean?

God is so incredible.

the realization of just how much.

it's 6:30 a.m. ellie's room is still dark, but the birds are already singing.

i just fed her, and i can't pry myself away. i just want to run my fingers over her perfect head, through her perfect, silky-fine hair. i want to feel the curve of her round baby cheek as my finger strokes it. i don't want to miss one little noise she makes or the way she immediately quiets when she hears my voice. i dream dreams for her. i weep for the times her heart will be broken. i pray that she knows how much i love her, knowing she will never be able to comprehend just how much.

as i sit here in my beautiful daughter's dark nursery, the Lord whispers to me.

"do you feel that? do you feel how your heart nearly bursts with love for her? how every time you set eyes on her that loves grows, welling up on the inside of you until you think you'll run out of room?

"that, my child, that is not even the beginning of how much i love you. i love you infinately more than that. and i love ellie infinately more than that.

you will never know how much i love you."

especially for auntie jo.

"the problem is... i haven't seen a new picture of my beautiful niece in a million years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (i think that was approximately the same number of exclamation points there were.) the drought has ended. this was about 10 minutes ago...five minutes before she fell asleep next to doc.

amen.

landon and i are channel surfing this afternoon, and a little while ago he stopped on christian tv -- not unusual for him. kirk cameron (yes, from growing pains) had a guest on named josh mcdowell. he actually lives in plano and attends prestonwood. he writes books and gives speeches and all that famous, smart dude stuff. he was talking about how pastors should never put their families before their ministry. huh? he said it over and over before explaining that his family is his first ministry. he should be ministering to them before ministering to the people of his church. good stuff. he illustrated with a story from when his son was young. he was working on a book and had a deadline. his son came in to ask a question, and he put his hand up: "son, not now. i'm busy. i'll talk to you at dinner." a little later, his wife came in. he put his hand up: "not now, i'm busy." mr. mcdowell tells how his wife came over, put her hand on his paper and pointed her finger at him: "you will always have deadlines. there will always be a speech to write or a book to finish. but you will not always have a two-year-old son who wants to sit on his daddy's knee and ask a question."

i looked up at landon. we both had tears in our eyes.

really good stuff.

greatness.

wednesday night i was at church and a lady said this: "do you feel as good as you look?!? you look great!"

thursday morning i went to work and several coworkers said i looked great. one said, "wow! how did you do that? you don't have a tummy at all!"

i didn't invite her to see me naked. i didn't want to ruin it.

welcome, olivia marie!

my good friend nick and his lovely wife josie welcomed this beautiful bundle to the world this morning at 5:10 a.m. she is 7 lbs, 3 ozs and 19.5 inches long. she came two weeks early, but she and mama are doing great. isn't she sweet?

to 3-day or not to 3-day.

i'm currently contemplating whether or not to participate in the breast cancer three-day walk in october. there are quite a few factors i'm considering in this decision. i'd be away from my eight-month-old baby for three days straight, i'd have to follow a stringent training program that will take quite a bit of time and committment -- i.e. the saturday of seven weeks before the event, i'm supposed to walk 17 miles -- and i'd have to figure out how to raise at least $2,200 in the next 31 weeks.

but what greater cause? i'd be walking with my mom and several other women in honor of my grandma, great-grandma and landon's grandma who all had breast cancer. also, talk about a great way to get back in shape after having a baby. and if you, or anyone else you know, has participated in anything like this before, you know the kind of empowerment that results from walking 60 miles in three days with hundreds of other women all working toward the same goal.

it's a huge committment, one i'd really like to try to take on, but i don't want to start and then give up. i'm really thinking this through, and if i decide to do it, i'm going after it wholeheartedly.

the women who have battled breast cancer deserve no less.

fyi.

the photos from my "phew" post last monday have been repaired. i'm not sure what happened, but several people told me they weren't showing up. now, they are there. check 'em out, man!

two is two too many.

once when i was in san angelo last week and once yesterday, i found a gray hair at my right temple. really, compared to the rest of my hair, these strands were white. not even gray. i pulled them both out. there's that old saying that if you pull out one, another one grows back. maybe that's what happened with this second one - it grew back in place of the one i found in san angelo.

this going gray thing is not going to be fair because landon has blond hair, and it won't be at all obvious if/when he goes gray.

ay... i'm 24 for heaven's sake. but today i feel old.

showertime.

my baby absolutely adores taking showers. she nearly falls asleep in our arms. she expecially likes to be up against your chest and under the running water. it's her favorite time of day. besides the first bath we gave her, she has loved baths ever since. look at how sweet.

friends.

we went to dave and amy's on thursday for a little dinner and adult time. mike and penny & aaron and jeanette were there too. and of course, noah and katelyn. here are some shots of the babies. aren't they so stinkin cute!? noah is twice as big as ellie. it's incredible.

sweetness.

my poor husband. he has a very upset tummy. and i just took his temperature -- 99. not too bad, but enough to make his yucky feel yuckier. he's taking some stuff for his stomach, and i just gave him some tylenol pm for the fever and to help him sleep.

must've worked.

that was about 10 minutes ago. i can hear him snoring.

landon snoring in one room. ellie fussing in the other. and i'm up on the computer.

lucky me.

but i digress... i started this post to tell you something sweet landon said yesterday.

since i nurse ellie, and i'm not so good at pumping milk, i'm always the one up to feed her. there are no bottles to give her so landon can't exactly feed her for me. one of the times i get up is around 7ish every morning while landon sleeps on. but yesterday he was in the shower when he called to me.

"babe, you know what i was thinking?"

"what, love?"

"i was thinking i want to start getting up earlier in the morning."

"why?"

"because that's quality time i could be spending with you and ellie, but instead i just sleep until the last minute. i'm lazy."

"aww.. babe..."

and he makes this cute little boy face that makes me want to just hold him.

what a sweetheart.

hand-in-hand.

"it seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital."

elizabeth claire henry has been alive for a whole month. actually, a month and a couple days now. i can't believe it. it seems like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hopsital. isn't it funny? i will say that same line when she goes to kindergarten. when she starts playing basketball. or dancing ballet. or playing the flute. when she learns to ride a bike. i will say that when she starts going to youth group and as she grows to know and love jesus. i will say it when she walks across the stage at her high school and college graduations. i will say it when her daddy walks her down the aisle as she marries the man i've been praying for since we knew she was coming. and i'll say it now.

"it seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital, my precious ellie."

at her one-month checkup yesterday she weighed 8 pounds and 11.2 ounces. the pediatrician told me, "she looks fab" and "you're doing a great job."

yes, my pediatrician said, "fab."

here are some pictures from the last week or so. there are lots. enjoy.

ellie meeting landon's nanny for the first time.

she just put her foot up on kylah's mouth like this. so how could she help but kiss it?

auntie jo loves her niece.

chillin' in one of her cute day-of-the-week onsies aunt nat gave her when she was born.

sleeping. i think she looks like don king with this hair.

meeting landon's peepaw at kylah's wedding rehearsal. she promptly pooped in this dress and had to take it off.

i love this picture.

landon and kylah's childhood friend, leah, and their cousin adam's daughter tamara (woah..) holding ellie. tamara kept proudly announcing to everyone that ellie was her cousin. so cute.

in daddy's arms after a shower with mom. she LOVES to get in the shower with us. seriously. it's like her most favorite thing to do.

she also loves to sleep in her carseat after she's done staring at this super cute ball my mom got her.

sacked out after eating.

how could you not kiss that face?

what can i say?

phew.

i know. it's been too long.

here are some photos for ellie's three-week birthday...just six days late. landon did bring my camera cord to san angelo, but he also arrived on friday when the wedding festivities were reaching full-swing. yesterday, everyone was too tired to think so today is really the first chance i've had to post these. we're about to go watch michael play basketball so i'll provide a full update of the wedding and surrounding activities in a little bit. also, be ready for more ellie photos tomorrow. tomorrow...when she's A MONTH OLD!!! holy cow. OK. enjoy. she grows more beautiful every second of every day.

swinging a couple days before we came to san angelo.

resting after auntie jo's lingerie party last saturday.

what a sweet face...

she really loves to be swaddled.

meeting auntie jo's class. they loved her.

a prayer.

i've noticed something lately. all my of friends are extremly in love with their spouses.

granted, most of us are still newly weds -- besides dave and amy & jenny and troy, no one's been married longer than five years. but still...

i can certainly say that my love for landon has been overflowing so much lately that i'm close to drowning, and it seems it's that way for a lot of us.

new babies and new marriages and the general goodness of life is making everyone so thankful for the loves with whom God has blessed them.

so tonight my prayer is this: that as our children are born and grow up, as our parents grow older, as our responsibilities increase and our youth decreases, i pray that we fall further in love with our husbands and wives. i pray that those things we are so fond of today will only become more deeply rooted in our hearts, drawing out an unshakable sense of loyalty and determination to remain the partners we promised to be.

that's what it's all about -- making it for the long haul.

i would so love to be a person who could look around in 20 years and see friends who are even more in love with their spouses than they were two decades before.

let's do it, guys. OK? OK.

today ellie is three weeks.

sadly, i left my camera cord at home -- we're in san angelo. i am hoping landon will remember to bring it when he comes on friday. we're here because kylah's wedding is saturday (!!!), and we came last friday for her bachelorette party and lingerie shower. we decided to just make a week of it. we miss landon SOOO bad though. he had to stay home to work, and be available for three boys whose dad died early last friday morning. poor babies. anyway... i'm going to have updated pictures later this week unless there's a cord around here somewhere that will work. ellie is amazing -- i can't believe how big she is. she's laying on david's chest right now and picking her head up like a champ. she's so sweet. i love her so much. my family is so amazing.

happy three-week birthday, my love.

(don't worry: i will only do weekly birthdays until she's a month old. then we'll do months!)

a note from angie.

a few times on this blog, i've referenced a friend of a friend named angie who has three incredible girls and whose blog i thoroughly enjoy reading. she's an outspoken mom who stands up for herself and would fight to the death for any of her children or her husband.

she apparently checks my blog too, and today when i read hers, i found a note to me from a few days ago.

check here... it's greatness.

a note on changing pads.

i was under the impression that changing pads were meant to protect my baby from dirty surfaces while i change her diaper.

but the truth is, changing pads are meant to protect surfaces from my dirty baby while i change her diaper.

who knew?

love.

all this excitement about kylah's wedding has me thinking of my own. i was just showing ellie some pictures of us before we had her, and i thought i should post some of these engagement pictures. oh, we had no idea what our life togther held. it's only been a year and four months, but what greatness has already transpired. i love landon more today than i ever have before. isn't he handsome?

you know what's wonderful?

the 10 minutes in the morning (or afternoon... or evening...) after i take a shower that i actually smell like a wife and not a mommy.

too bad it's only 10 minutes before i start smelling like a milk factory again.

be it spit up, milk dripping from the corners of a suckling mouth or even the revisiting of milk out the other end, if you know what i mean, those 10 minutes are lovely while i have them.

i'm basking in them now.

shhh... let me enjoy this.