behind.

so.. i'm already 30 minutes behind on my cleaning.

ellie had been screaming for pretty close to an hour, and i was about to my breaking point.

let's just say, i was not using too nice a tone with her when going to give her the paci that she dropped 16 times from her swing to the floor.

just that wide-open mouth letting out shrieks that could grate on the nerves of mother teresa herself made me want to smack her. please tell me i'm not the only mother who's wanted to smack her precious, darling gift from God. please. i feel terrible guilt about it.

anyway. she would not hush in that swing. i knew she was tired, but she refused to give up. finally, i slammed the swing switch to off, unbuckled her and pulled her into my arms rather, um, briskly.

"what?!"

she laid her head down on my chest.

i sat down in the rocker and within three minutes her breathing was deep from her sorta stuffy nose and her chubby baby hands were limp. i think she had dried snot on her eyebrow. after five minutes, her paci fell halfway from her mouth and her breath came out from behind it.

then i couldn't put her down.

i don't think mothers are really supposed to do anything but rock, feeling that heaviness of their completely relaxed child in their arms. ellie is not overly cuddly most of the time, and i hadn't really rocked her to sleep since before i quit nursing her. there is nothing else like it.

oh, the picture of craziness that is wanting to smack your child one minute and dreaming of every reason not to let her go the next.

i love you so much, ellie.

you drive me perfectly, beautifully insane.