watch out: the train is coming.

i'll start off by telling you i don't have a specific destination for this train. it's just going to go. it may run away, but just hold on and maybe we'll arrive somewhere recognizable at ride's end. or maybe not.

today i was trying on jeans. they looked super cute in the legs and butt though they were a couple sizes larger than i'd ideally like to be. problem is, they were fairly low rise. i mean, not really low rise, but not high either. since i had ellie, my stomach is, well, lower. i anticipated that i'd have a bit more of a belly to get rid of, but it's hard to understand how your belly will react to being stretched to capacity for nine months. so mine is low. (if you can't picture what i'm talking about, be glad.) and my low belly and low-rise jeans are not friends. not in the least. maybe if (when?) my belly gets smaller, it will be nicer to low-rise jeans. but for now, not so much.

you know that pile of pictures you have randomly sitting around your house? possibly multiple piles? today i'm putting those in an album. i was going through bridal shower and lingerie shower pictures. there's also a bunch of photos of landon and i throughout our dating relationship that are in one place because of our wedding day slideshow. it is incredible where we've been.

i just saw this milk commercial and it said, "my secret admirer... my husband." and "40 is the new 20." it made me cry. i look at myself in the mirror and realize how different my life is now than it was just a short time ago. i'm nostalgic for the past, but i'm so excited about what's around the next corner. i think that's because of the people who surround me. i want to be 50 with landon. i want our kids to graduate from high school and go to college, and then i want to sleep in on saturdays with him. i want to travel with him. i want to drink coffee on our beautiful patio and read the Bible together. and i'm looking just as forward to all the things we'll experience between now and then.

i want to go on a date with landon. i was looking at some friends on facebook who aren't married and don't have kids, and they have pictures of themsleves dressed up and cute going on dates with their boyfriends. i want to wear a pretty dress and fix my hair and eat yummy food with landon.

i want our home to be a haven. i want things to be orderly and clean. i want the three of us to escape here, not figure out how to leave. i want to be able to find things i'm looking for. to be able to cook dinner and sit at the table to eat. i want to crawl into bed and wake up rested. i want people to come to our house and feel at ease. i'm still working on this.

all of a sudden, i have a hunger for knowledge of Jesus and the Bible and my faith. i know what i believe, and i believe it so strongly. i'm in constant conversation with the Lord -- have kids, you will be too -- and i feel His leading. but i want to know history. i want to understand.

landon gave me a print of a georgia o' keefe poppy for valentine's day a couple years ago. if you've been to our apartment, you've seen it. it hangs over the fireplace with a spotlight shining on it. it just occured to me that i love it so much because it describes our love. bold and bright but simple and easy. nothing too fussy. but something so powerful that you can't help but stop and stare in awe.

often when i'm praising God at my apartment, i stop and look around. we have so many beautiful things in our apartment, and i am so thankful to Him for providing us such a wonderful place. i'm amazed that we worked for and purchased all these things ourselves. it's like a material representation of God's provision in so many areas of our lives.

my zinnias were dry yesterday and starting to shrivel. one day without watering and they became weak. our souls are like that. we need the nourishment of God everyday or we begin to grow weak. i watered them last night, and this morning their faces were bright and standing proud. our souls are also like that. one drop of the Father pours life into our otherwise weary existance.

and there's something else. but there are no words for what i'm feeling.

i feel frozen.