something on which i cannot decide.

my next doctor's appointment is in two weeks, on aug. 21. at my last appointment, on july 24, the nurse handed me a pamphlet about prenatal testing. actually, i can't remember exactly what it's called, but it's something like that.

anyway, they draw blood and test my baby to find out if he may have down syndrome, spina bifida or any number of various birth defects.

if the test comes back positive, it isn't for sure that the baby has the defect. in fact, i know a family (at landon's dad's church - the youth pastor there) whose baby tested positive for down syndrome in the initial screening, but, after weeks of agonizing, a subsequent test and, i believe, a sonogram, they found out the baby is perfectly healthy.

my initial reaction is to not get the screening. i believe prayer and more prayer is what will keep my baby healthy, and what will i gain if i DO find out he's sick while i'm just 15 weeks pregnant? on one hand, it'd give me more time to pray and be prepared for the special needs of a child with such disabilities. on the other hand, i might just agonize myself to death over the whole thing.

then, a lady at my church, judy, told me about when her baby was born with a cleft lip (this baby is actually my friend, regan), she had just happened to read a magazine article beforehand about a baby who had surgery to correct it. she said she knew God put the article in her path (this was before sonograms) so when they said, "you have a beautiful baby girl, except..." she didn't freak out.

and that got me thinking. if i DON'T find out, will that moment when the baby is born and the doctors have to whisk him off and tend to his problems and i'm laying there spread eagle, bleeding, just having found out my baby has a birth defect be way too much?

landon said to me he didn't think we needed the tests. he said it several times before i asked, "are you saying that because you really don't think we need them or you're afraid of how much they cost?"

he answered honestly, "i'm afraid of how much they cost."

we talked some more, and he said if there were no extra cost involved, he'd rather know ahead of time, which makes sense.

i don't know. mostly i should just trust God that the baby is going to be fine. every night as he's falling asleep, landon lays his hand on my belly, and murmurs, "thank you Jesus for a healthy baby." any other time i happen to take his hand and put it on the baby, he prays the same prayer.

i know everything will be fine. i just can't decide whether or not to have these dang tests, and i don't know why it's such a big deal.