rush hour musings from a thursday. (unedited. apologies.)

you know those old toys and cards and letters that you just can't force yourself to get rid of? every time you go through one of your closets or that box under your bed you think, "this stuff is worthless. why do i have this? i never look at it except for when i'm thinking of cleaning it out." but you can't bite the bullet and throw it out?

i mean you even forget you have it until you pull it out again. so it's not like if you threw it out you would ever sit around and think to yourself one day, "man. i wish i had that paper i wrote in college about the objectification of women in media."

well, i have those things, like a lot of people. and i have them in a lot of realms of my life. and lately, i've been finding myself struggling with these frayed remnants of relationships and dreams and thoughts about the way my life really would be.

as time passes they disintegrate and become more and more warped and unrecognizable.

but for some reason i can't just let them dissipate. even though that would likely be a freeing experience.

it's as if, if i just let them disappear i'll be left here with nothing to hold, with nothing to grasp. lost, blind and fumbling through a stark, black space.

those frayed remnants don't mean much, but for some reason, it'd be too hard without them.

i'd have to look at what i'm trying to avoid, what i'm trying to cover up or what i'm trying to keep from myself or anyone else if i let go.

it's gotta be done, man.

but maybe for one more day, i won't do it.

right now, it's just too scary.