don't touch the hurt.

it's black friday, and i'm feeling pretty melancholy. i'm not out shopping, though i have been perusing the internet a bit for christmas gifts. i've been decorating for christmas, no one has to work, my babies are napping beautifully on this cloudy day. thanksgiving leftovers abound, including nanny's to-die-for chocolate pie.

so what is it?

*****

grayson hurt his ankle on monday night while running around mamo's house with ellie and michael david. he has not walked since. he has bouts of fussiness, but he's been happy quite a bit, too. he crawls or scoots around, but has not walked a step since he hurt it. it took us awhile to figure out it was his ankle. he wasn't being specific about where it hurt, and there wasn't any noticeable bruising or swelling until yesterday when his little ankle started to turn black and blue.

while we were trying to figure out what was wrong, we would apply pressure in various places on his leg, turning his joints ever so slightly to gauge his reaction.

at one point, he said, "don't touch the hurt, mama!" before starting to cry.

i have to admit that before there was any visible injury, it was starting to drive me nuts that gray wouldn't walk. i couldn't see anything wrong, and he wasn't articulating the problem. understandable. he's three. nonetheless, i was frustrated.

and then, the Holy Spirit.

"see, child? you are like he."

and i see it. God reaches into my life, applying pressure, turning joints, and i scream out, "don't touch the hurt!" i don't want to go through the process of identifying the problem. i just want to cry. i want to be upset that my life is not perfect instead of going through the pains of healing it.

remaining bent and on my knees, crawling through days, seems easier than exploring the holdup, stretching out to walk.

but healing does not come without work, without risking momentary pain. stepping out with unsure footing is required.

luckily, Jesus is faithful to meet me. He catches me and sets me upright.

"then in their trouble they called to the Lord, and he saved them from their distress. He healed them with his command and saved them from the grave."
-psalm 107:19-20

*****

i think i'm sad today because no matter how much healing the Lord does, i will not be completely whole until i am in His presence. christmas commercials and even christmas music depict this magical happiness that should suddenly sprout forth because thanksgiving has passed. and i am certainly filled with joy at all the blessings that have been poured out on me. there are too many to count. but the perfection is not there. not yet. i'm still missing something. Someone.

someday His touch will reach every last ounce of hurt, brokenness, loneliness. crawling will not be an option, walking effortless.

no Christmas lights required.

until then, this bandaged soul limps on.